Tag Archives: Marriage Therapy

After the Fight: One Couple’s Story and 3 Key Lessons (Part 1)

June 18, 2025Counseling for CouplesCouples Therapy, Marriage Counseling, Marriage TherapyDanielle Kiesler

“If that’s what you think, than I’m done with this marriage!” Joan shot one hand into the air as though giving a warning shot. She took a step towards the door and then paused. As soon as the words escaped her mouth she instantly regretted them.But she couldn’t take them back. The words flew out before she had actually registered completely. There was a part of her that hoped that Jerome would not take the words seriously. That he would continued to fight for the marriage as he had at the beginning of their relationship. But that’s not what happened.

“Fine. I can’t believe I wasted 25 years of my life” His words were sharp but his tone steady. As though he had been secretly waiting for this movement.

Two weeks went by before they showed up in my office. By then their tone with each other had changed. They were soft spoken and full of remorse. But the air around them was thick with tension.

The Two kinds of Couples Fights

All couples fight. I’m not talking about chronic physical fights that are part of domestic violence. Rather, the verbal and emotional fights that are part of life together as a couple. That can range anywhere from quiet disagreements and misunderstandings to escalating arguments that lead to yelling matches and even threats. Fighting is a normal part of any intimate, long-term relationship. But there is a difference between fights that lead to lasting damage in a marriage vs ones that ultimately make you both stronger.

In a way, you could say there are just these two kinds of fights. You could thing of them as forks in the road of a train track. If your marriage is a train, it can either take the Lasting Damage Track or the Strong Repair Track. One leads to a weakness and the ultimate demise of the marriage, and the other has the potential to make the marriage stronger.

The Damage Track & Gridlock

It was clear that Joan and Jerome were on the lasting damage track of their marriage. Jerome sat back in his chair, his arms crossed—a clear shield. While Joan sat lightly at the edge of her seat, as though suspended from a hanger. Her hands circled nervously around each other. She appeared ready to bolt at any moment.

Despite the obvious tension between they both appeared helpless as to what to do about it. Neither was able to make eye contact, except with me as their couple’s therapist. Their faces appeared weighed down by the enormity of what they knew they were here to unpack. No one wanted to make the first move.

This is marital gridlock. And it’s one of the features of the damage track. I suspected Jerome and Joan had been on this track for awhile.

Couple Fighting — Fights with your partner don’t have to get this bad

The Context of a Big, Ugly Fight

Fighting doesn’t occur in a vacuum. There is always a context. After some initial unpacking, the context of the damage to their marriage became clear. Jerome had been in a bad mood for months due to the stresses and increased demands of a new job. When under stress he tends to withdrawal. He spent long hours at the office trying to get up to speed. This was followed by increased time at the gym to try to combat the stresses.

Stress & Denial

“I told myself it was all just temporary” he said. Then six months went by. Then, nine months. Before he knew it anxiety, stress and overwhelm had taken over his life. He was never home and felt guilty. But when he was home, he also felt he was letting people at work down. Depression started to set in.

Joan, on the other hand, felt more stable, at least at first . Initially, she was understanding and accommodating to Jerome’s absence. She stepped up more at home without complaint. She took on the mother-load of parenting their two kids. But after a while resentment started to build. “How long exactly was this going to go on?” She thought. Also, she felt unappreciated by Jerome. Underneath she was lonely.

Buried Feelings & Criticism

She missed Jerome and was tired of feeling like a single parent. But she didn’t say any of this to him for fear of stressing him out more. Under stress Joan alternates between withdrawal and criticism. The criticisms of Jerome were subtle at first, and slowly built to a crescendo. Eventually, she couldn’t hold back any longer. There was so much stored resentment over the months and years that it all came flooding out. Suddenly, the “D” word was on the table. Divorce was not what either of them wanted. Yet, somehow it had come to this.

Poor Communication

Looking back, neither of them had talked about the new job and it’s potential impact on their marriage and on their lives. No one discussed feelings and expectations about the multiple roles they shared together. And nothing was negotiated in advance. In fact, it was apparent they didn’t talk much at all. Except about the most trivial things: their favorite show, whose turn it was to take out the trash or pick up the kids.

Had they sat down and communicated these things with each other it might have been different. If they had communicated openly, while staying present and emotionally vulnerable, they might have prevented a fight in the first place. Or at least the damaging kind.

Lesson 1: Open Communication + Vulnerability = Damage Prevention

Both Joan and Jerome felt injured by the things said just two weeks before. And both had regrets. Yet, they had not been ready to admit them, until now. Once the air had cleared between them a bit, it was time. Joan elected to go first. We went over the elements of a good repair. If took some practice but she eventually got it.

“I know I said some things that were hurtful to you … things I wish I could take back now”. her hands continued to turn over and over again in her lap as she spoke. Jerome kept his eyes on particular spot on the rug. He nodded gently in acknowledgement.

Lesson 2: For a stronger bond, learn the art of repair

One of the reasons so many of their fights had continued to escalate and gone off the rails, is that they had never repaired the previous one. Many couples are unsuccessful at resolving conflict because they don’t know the elements of a good repair or how to put them into practice. without that knowledge, the cycle inevitably continues.

Lesson 3: The need to be right can kill a marriage

Part of the problem is that both Jerome and Joan wanted to be right. They wanted to defend their position and convince the other that they were in the wrong. This usually falls flat of course, and just leads to more fighting. Terry Real, a well-known couples therapist, is often credited with saying, “You can be right or you can be married, what’s more important to you?”

If the relationship is most important than one person needs to decide to let go of the need to be right. This is often easier said than done. But once couples figure it out, it becomes a key element in making a good repair and upending the fight cycle.

Want more Tips on How to Fight Right? Hoping to end the Same old endless Argument ?

Plus, we’ll send you Part 2 of the story of Jerome & Joan and lessons they learned after 16weeks of therapy

Ready to Schedule a Couple’s Therapy or Marriage Therapy appointment?

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who can help transform your fights into deeper connection.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the surrounding areas. This includes : Richmond Heights, Clayton, Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Maplewood, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding city areas.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Richmond Heights as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri

The Purpose Centered Marriage

April 28, 2025Counseling for Couplescouples counseling, Marriage Therapy, premarital counselingDanielle Kiesler

What the Top Four Couples Therapy Approaches Reveal About Your Relationship

All couples eventually need to step back and look at the big picture of their marriage. This is especially important if you are thinking about getting married, but it is true at every stage. Everyone enters marriage expecting to gain something meaningful from it. Yet in my experience working with many couples, I’ve often noticed some couples thrive more than others.

Many factors contribute to a successful, happy marriage, but the most fulfilling ones often share a sense of purpose. Couples often come to me asking for a particular therapy approach, which makes me curious. Is there one approach that out shines the others when it comes to creating a purpose centered marriage? Or are they all in fact similar?

I decided to investigate and share with you what I have found. To simplify, I have narrowed down the many couples therapy schools into just four. These represent the top four I’ve noticed are most popular among both therapists and couples: Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), The Gottman Approach, and Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Let’s look at each and explore where they stand when it comes to a marriage’s vision, mission and purpose.

Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT)

According to the PACT framework, understanding the nuances between shared purpose, mission, and vision is crucial for building a secure-functioning relationship. PACT is all about creating secure-functioning in couples. Others might call it earned secure attachment, which is a fancy way of saying that if you were taught from a young age how to do relationships in an unhealthy way, it’s never too late to change. Secure functioning is the result of having learned a healthier way of relating.

PACT is a favorite method of ours at Dance of Change Counseling because it blends well edwith the somatic therapy approaches that we use. In PACT, the therapist tracks moment-to-moment shifts in the face, body, and voice of both partners. Therapists help partners learn to be more attuned and respond to these subtle shifts in each other. This makes communication not only easier, but more effective. Because PACT is very concrete in its approach, it is also effective with Neurodiverse Couples.

While PACT uses terms like purpose, mission, and vision interchangeably, they represent distinct aspects of your shared life.

A shared purpose addresses the fundamental “why” behind the relationship. It’s the core reason you as a couple have chosen to be together. This might involve shared values, a desire for companionship, or a commitment to mutual growth and support. It’s the bedrock upon which the relationship is built, answering questions like “Why are we doing this together?” That purpose could be having kids, traveling, or making the world a better place.

The mission of a couple is the “what” they aim to achieve together. It translates the broader purpose into specific, actionable goals. Your mission could be to raise children with certain values, to create a loving and supportive home, or to pursue shared passions and projects. The mission provides direction and focus, outlining you as your collective endeavors.

Finally, the vision is the “where” you as a couple sees themselves in the future. It’s the aspirational image of their ideal life together, encompassing their hopes, dreams, and long-term goals. A shared vision might involve traveling the world, building a thriving business, or creating a legacy. The vision provides inspiration and motivation, guiding you as a couple toward their desired future.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the focus is primarily on the emotional bond and attachment needs within your relationship. While EFT doesn’t explicitly use the terms “purpose,” “mission,” and “vision” in the same way as PACT, these concepts are inherently addressed through the lens of attachment. In EFT, your shared purpose is often understood as the desire for a secure and loving bond, where each partner feels safe, understood, and valued. The mission, then becomes the process of creating and maintaining this secure attachment. This involves identifying and addressing negative interaction cycles, accessing underlying emotions, and fostering vulnerability and responsiveness. The vision in EFT is a future where you as a couple experiences a strong, resilient emotional connection, capable of weathering life’s challenges together. This vision is built upon the foundation of secure attachment, where partners can turn to each other for comfort, support, and reassurance.

The Differences Between PACT and EFT

EFT differs from PACT in its primary focus. PACT emphasizes the neurobiological and developmental aspects of relationships, focusing on mutual regulation, security, and fairness. It actively guides couples in creating a shared vision, mission, and purpose, often involving explicit agreements and principles.

EFT, on the other hand, is more focused on emotional processing and attachment needs. It aims to help couples identify and express their core emotions, understand their attachment patterns, and create a more secure emotional bond. While PACT emphasizes the “what” and “how” of building a secure relationship, EFT focuses more on the “why” and the emotional underpinnings of the relationship dynamic.

Both approaches ultimately aim for a strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationship by taking different pathways to get there.

Gottman’s Approach to Couples Therapy

John Gottman’s approach to couples therapy focuses on building a “Sound Relationship House.” Gottman uses the house often as a metaphor for a strong and lasting partnership. While Gottman doesn’t explicitly outline “purpose, mission, and vision” in the same way as PACT, these elements are woven into the framework.

In other models, you may be asked to define your purpose as a couple. In Gottman’s model, your shared purpose will be given to you. Gottman defines purpose as the desire to create a meaningful and fulfilling life together, built on friendship, trust, and commitment. Your mission as a couple will also be handed to you.

According to Gottman, the mission of every marriage is to actively cultivate the “Sound Relationship House.” This includes building love maps (knowing each other’s inner world), fostering fondness and admiration. It also means turning towards each other for connection and managing conflict constructively. You will be asked to help each other make life dreams come true and create shared meaning together.

The vision in Gottman’s approach is a future where you as a couple have a rich and rewarding life together, marked by deep connection, mutual respect, and a shared sense of purpose. This vision is achieved by consistently practicing the skills and principles of the Sound Relationship House.

How Gottman’s Approach Differs from Other Methods

Gottman’s approach differs from both EFT and PACT in that it has many research-based skills and interventions. While EFT focuses on emotional bonding and attachment needs, and PACT emphasizes the neurobiological and developmental aspects of relationships, Gottman provides a more structured and skills-based approach. Gottman’s method involves assessing couples’ interactions, identifying strengths and weaknesses, and teaching specific tools for communication, conflict management, and building intimacy.

Unlike EFT’s focus on emotional processing, Gottman’s method is more behavioral and directive. And where PACT actively guides couples in creating explicit agreements and principles, Gottman focuses on teaching couples the skills to navigate their relationship dynamics effectively.

Relational Life Therapy (RLT)

Terry Real developed Relational Life Therapy (RLT) which is known as one of the more confrontational approaches. I had the privilege of taking a workshop from Real many years ago and he does not mince words. A natural showman, his face was often animated and he flung his arms around for emphasis. The whole room full of therapists would often bust into laughter. You couldn’t help yourself as his interventions were surprising and cathartic.

RLT is distinguished by its focus on power dynamics and relational maturity. It offers a blend of skill-building, emotional awareness, and direct confrontation of destructive patterns in couples. The emphasis is on moving beyond the individual psychology of you and your partner. The aim is for both of you to understand each other better and address the relational dynamics between you.

RLT focuses on taking apart the patterns that lead to disconnection and power imbalances. Like Gottman’s approach, your shared purpose will be handed to you. It can be seen as the desire to create a relationship characterized by mutuality, equality, and connection. The mission becomes the work of identifying and challenging your “relational blindness” together. This means recognizing patterns of control or withdrawal, and developing skills that help you both act more like grown ups together.

This involves taking personal responsibility for yourself in the relationship. It also means speaking directly and assertively to your partner, which may be a challenge. RLT involves practicing “relational mindfulness” as opposed to a self focused or distracted behavior. In RLT, your marriage’s mission will be provided for you as well. It’s described as a future where you and your partner can experience a truly intimate and equitable relationship together; a relationship that is free from the destructive patterns of your past.

Your marriage’s vision is achieved by you and your partner committing to personal growth and each taking responsibility for your part in the relational dynamic.

How Does RLT Compare to Other Approaches?

Like Gottman, RLT emphasizes specific skills and interventions. But unlike Gottman, RLT focuses more on addressing power dynamics and aims to promote relational maturity. Where Gottman focuses on building a “Sound Relationship House” through specific behaviors, RLT focuses on shifting the underlying relational dynamic.

You could say that RLT wants to fundamentally shift the ground your house rests on. Similar to EFT, RLT acknowledges the importance of emotions, but it goes further in addressing how individual emotional patterns play out in the relational system and how power dynamics influence emotional expression.

RLT and PACT share some overlap. Both focus on individual responsibility and personal growth, but PACT emphasizes the neurobiological underpinnings of relationships more strongly. RLT is unique in its direct confrontation of relational patterns and its emphasis on personal responsibility and relational maturity. So, it is not for the faint of heart.

I hope this in-depth comparison has been helpful to you. As you can probably see, while all four approaches aim for a healthy, fulfilling relationship, they address different facets of the relational dynamic. They also use different strategies for change.

Which Approach is Right for You?

At Dance of Change, we believe each relationship is unique; Therefore, we take a customized approach based on your goals and needs as a couple. That often means drawing from multiple couples therapy approaches. Most couples need a combination of skill building, scaffolding, attachment work, and disrupting old patterns. We believe this is what’s most important, rather than pledging loyalty to a particular approach. However, if you and your spouse or partner have a preference, we will of course take that into account.

Regardless of the approach, having a strong mission, shared vision, and purpose is essential. It is the lighthouse that guides the ship of your relationship through dark and treacherous times, leading you both back to safety.

In Need of Couples Therapy?

We’ve got you covered. Our Marriage and Family Therapists are not only trained in many of these approaches, we are also licensed to provide Marriage or Couples Counseling.

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who can help or go to our booking page to request an appointment.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri, and serve couples in both Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County. Give us a call at (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com.

Parenting Stages & When Family Therapy Can Help | Your Roadmap for Every Age

March 1, 2025Counseling for Families, Counseling for Kids, Counseling for Parentscounseling, family therapy, kids counseling, Marriage Therapy, parenting, therapyDanielle Kiesler

The Wide View: What To Know About You and Your Child’s Development

Children grow and change at different rates due to a combination of factors. Some of those have to do with your child’s unique traits, their personality, temperament, and genetic inheritance. Others are external influenced by your unique family culture, parenting style, and broader environmental factors. When challenges arise, family therapy can provide valuable support, helping parents and children navigate these changes with greater understanding and ease.

Because development is complex, it’s important to take a big-picture view rather than focusing on just one aspect. A child therapist or family therapist will assess all these factors together, and we encourage you to do the same. By keeping a wide perspective, you’ll navigate each stage with greater clarity and less frustration.

A Note about Family Stages And Family Therapy

Change is not linear, and neither is child development. The stages outlined here are not rigid guidelines, but flexible roadmaps. Each family’s journey will be unique. Unexpected growth spurts, personal wins, or strong support systems can propel a child forward. Conversely, challenges like divorce, trauma, setbacks, or major life changes may slow progress.

Every family has its own strengths and struggles. What matters most is recognizing when extra support is needed and knowing help is available.

When Family Therapy is Needed

Family therapy, child therapy, or teen therapy may be helpful when:

You, your child, or both are struggling to navigate a particular stage.
You’re experiencing communication difficulties, ongoing tantrums, behavioral issues, or persistent anxiety/depression.
Situations out of your control (or even personal choices) are making family life stressful.
Emotional or behavioral issues seem like just the tip of the iceberg, indicating deeper challenges that need to be addressed together.

A Note for Parents with Multiple Children

If you are a parent of two or more kids, you will likely be navigating multiple stages at the same time. You may also find that even if you’ve been through a developmental stage before, it feels entirely different with each child. As you grow as a parent, your approach will evolve. What worked for your first child at age 5 may not work for your second. And that’s okay. Parenting is a dynamic process, not a fixed formula.

The Family Stages

Pregnancy: Preparing for Your Baby’s Arrival

Your Family Stage: Preparing for the new family member.

Your Baby’s Stage: Rapid physical and neurological development.

Your Task:

Prepare a safe and nursing space for your baby by gathering support and resources
Research parenting philosophies to align with your personal values
If you are part of a couple, now is the time to get on the same page as your partner about parenting roles, expectations, and support
Recognize that bonding begins to happen even in utero

Your Experience as a Parent: You may feel a combination of excitement, anxiety, or both at this time. If you are part of a couple, you will also be experiencing changes in your relationship or marriage as you prepare for parenthood.

When to Seek Therapy:

Extreme anxiety or overwhelm about the transition to parenthood
Lack of support at this important life stage from family, friends, or your partner
Unresolved relationship stress that can impact co-parenting

Postpartum & Your Baby’s First Year

Your Family Stage: Adjusting the family system to accommodate children and defining roles within your family.

Your Baby’s Stage: Babies grow quickly in the first year of life. That means your new family member will pass through many developmental stages approximately every 2 to 3 months, and so will you as a parent.

Your Task:

Prioritize recovery from birth and focus on getting enough rest
Establish a support system for childcare and emotional well-being
If co-parenting, work as a team to manage new responsibilities.
Bond with your baby, but don’t stress if it’s not immediate. Bonding is a process, not an instant connection.

When to Seek Therapy:

Difficult or traumatic birth experience
Postpartum depression or extreme mood changes from hormone fluctuations and disruptive sleep.
Increased anxiety if your baby has colic, is not meeting developmental milestones or appears unwell in any way
Marital strife due to increased stress and demands as new parents
Difficulty bonding with your new baby due to any or the above challenges.

Both Somatic Therapy and Family Therapy can be helpful to you at this time.

How to Parent When Your Child is a Toddler & Preschooler

Your Family Stage: Creating stability while encouraging early independence.

Your Child’s Stage: As babies turn into toddlers, they begin to recognize that a whole world exists outside of you. Some children eagerly explore, while others hesitate—most will experience both emotions.

Your Task:

Support your child’s socialization
Arrange play dates with other similar age peers
Model and teach basic self-regulation and social skills (safe hands, sharing etc.).

When to Seek Therapy:

Increased parent and child stress due to separation anxiety
Risk taking behaviors
Power-struggles, tantrums, or meltdowns
Emotional regulation difficulties
Picky eating habits
Toileting difficulties
Speech difficulties
Not meeting developmental milestones
Difficultly playing nicely with others.

Parenting During Your Child’s Elementary School Years

Your Family Stage: Growing connection with small amounts of autonomy.

Your Child’s Stage: As your child begins to enter kindergarten, they take on a new level of autonomy. This can create a combination of anxiety and relief as a parent. Many parents actually love this stage and will sometimes refer to it as “the golden years.” Many children at this stage express love freely and enjoy pleasing their parents.

Your Task:

Support your child’s growing need for autonomy
Provide a safe and secure place to return.

When to Seek Therapy:

Struggles in school
Impulsivity
Learning disabilities
Medical condition impacting your child’s health and abilities
A new diagnosis such as:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- ADHD
- Autism
- Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified.

Both kids and parents can benefit from Somatic Therapy or Expressive Arts Therapy.

Parenting a Tween (10-13 years old)

Your Family Stage: Renegotiation to accommodate growing autonomy.

Your Child’s Stage: Identity formation and independence. Your child is likely starting to experience some significant physical and emotional changes as they mature. They may be less motivated to please you. Or they may alternate between wanting more independence from you and wanting more closeness. Your child may start to separate from you. Your child may gravitate toward one parent while creating distance from the other, which can be confusing for both parents and child.

Your Task:

Allow your child a little more independence while still providing support and limits.
Encourage them to become an active and responsible family member
Assign small household chores
Give them choices about how they spend their free time
Support their emerging interests and talents

When to Seek Therapy:

Difficulty navigating peer relationships
Increased anxiety or depression due to hormone changes
Potential power-struggles with parents

Parenting a Teen (14-17 years old)

Your Family Stage: Separation, increased autonomy and independence.

Your Child’s Stage: Identity exploration and expansion. Forging relationships with other adults both work, peer, and romantic outside of the family.

Your Task:

Shift your role from authority figure to coach or advisor.
Accept and adapt to your teen’s changing needs
Minimize potential strife and power struggles

When to Seek Therapy:

Difficulty navigating peer and romantic relationships
Increased anxiety or depression due to on-going hormone changes
Potential power-struggles with parents
Impulsivity
Sleep problems.

How to Parent Your Adult Child (18+ years old)

Your Family Stage: “Leaving the nest,”maximum autonomy.

Your Child’s Stage: Launching or preparing to launch into the “real world” as a full-fledged adult. Forging relationships with other adults both work, peer, and romantic outside of the family.

Your Task:

Learn to navigate this new adult-to-adult relationship
Be available as a mentor or coach as needed while allowing your adult child maximum independence
Accept your changing role as a parent of an adult

Your Parent Experience: Navigating this new adult-to-adult relationship can be challenging, especially when balancing closeness and independence. In addition, you may be experiencing midlife changes that impact your ability to handle stress. You might also be navigating caretaking responsibilities for your elderly parents as well.

When to Seek Therapy:

Your adult child has difficulty launching
You find yourself in power struggles, then a Somatic Therapist can help.
If you are having difficulty negotiating boundaries or managing your own stress, than it is time to get some help.

Somatic Therapy, Expressive Arts Therapy, or Family Therapy may all be helpful at this stage.

Looking for a Family Therapist, Somatic Therapist, or Expressive Art Therapist to support you? Help is available to you and your family at any stage.

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Somatic Therapist or Expressive Arts Therapist who can help you, your child and your family as a whole.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve families in the both the Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County areas. We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO as well as video (Telehealth) sessions.

To Set Up An Appointment:

Please fill out the appointment request form. We will match you with a therapist who best fits you and your families needs. You can give us a call at (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com with any questions.

9 Warning Signs That Your Couple Bubble is in Trouble

August 2, 2024Counseling for Couples, Uncategorizedcouples counseling, Marriage TherapyDanielle Kiesler

Many couples enter marriage therapy after the marriage has soured. Often, they face any number of issues, from communication to arguments about money, sex or parenting. It can feel hopeless and overwhelming. But the sad truth is a lot of these experiences could have been prevented. Or at least they could have been minimized. If only couples knew how to maintain and care for their couple bubble.

What is a couple bubble?

A “couple bubble” is a concept in relationship psychology that refers to the creation of a safe and secure environment between partners. In this environment, both individuals prioritize each other’s well-being, safety, and emotional security above all else. This involves mutual support, trust, and a commitment to protecting the relationship from external stressors and conflicts.

The term “couple bubble” was coined by Dr. Stan Tatkin, a psychotherapist and author who specializes in attachment theory and its application to adult relationships. He introduced the concept in his book “Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship.”

Why a couple bubble is important

Dr. Tatkin emphasizes that the couple bubble is essential for creating a secure and resilient partnership. Without that level of protection an relationship may not last. Marriages can become vulnerable to both internal and external stressors. I like to think of a couple’s bubble as a kind of shield that protects the couples from harm and danger. Yet, the shield can also become permeable when needed to let in support, resources and information from the outside. The combination of both strength and flexibility are important qualities in marriage.

When a couple bubble is ruptured or missing

Marriages that don’t have a protective couple bubble often suffer from chronic dissatisfaction. Emotional withdrawal, and a slow decline in mutual respect and affection becomes the norm. The relationship becomes vulnerable to external pressures and internal conflicts. Overtime, this ultimately lead to a breakdown in the marriage. At this stage, divorce or separation can easily appear to be the only viable option. As always, prevention is always the best medicine. So, let’s look at some of those warning signs together.

We’ll use two different fictional couples to demonstrate how this can play out. Alec and Gary are a same-sex couple that have been living together for ten years and married for eight. Felix and Nadine are a heterosexual couple who have been together for 15years, married for 14years and have two small kids. Let’s look at their different challenges through the lens of the couple bubble. These are challenges that many couples face before they enter marriage therapy or premarital counseling.

related post: The Couple Bubble: A complete Guide.

1. Shaky communication has become the norm in your marriage.

In Alec and Gary’s marriage, Alec frequently assumes Gary knows when he’s upset about something at work. But Gary has no idea when Alec is stressed out. For one, Alec tends to have a still face, that hides emotions. Also, neither Gary nor Alec express their feelings verbally. So, often Gary misinterprets Alec’s silence as disinterest, leading to frustration and resentment on both sides.

Similarly, in Felix and Nadine’s marriage, Felix assumes Nadine knows when he’s upset about work. Nadine assumes Feli’x knows when she’s upset about the kid’s behavior and needs help. But both Nadine and Felix remains unaware of what the other is truly feeling. This is partly because neither is a good communicator. Nadine often misinterprets Felix’s withdrawn behavior as a disinterest in her and the kids. Felix’s assumes the Nadine has the kids handled, since she never expresses her feelings or asks for help. Misunderstandings and misinterpretations ensue. Over time, mounting and unresolved issues build to a crescendo, leaving resentment and emotional distance in their wake.

2. The marriage takes a backseat to everything else.

Felix consistently prioritizes his work as a sales manager over spending time with Nadine. Nadine, on the other hand, focuses on the kids’ school, extracurricular activities over time with Felix. Over time, Nadine starts to feel resentful, and like a single parent. While Felix feels unimportant and undervalued. The increased stress and isolation causes them both to cope in the way they know how: by focusing outside the marriage. Felix works even later at work. Nadine complains to her girlfriends about her marriage.

Let’s look at our other couple Alec and Gary, who face similar problems. Alec consistently prioritizes his work as a graphic designer over spending time with Gary. While Gary often chooses to hang out with friends instead of planning time with Alec. Eventually, Alec feels unimportant and lonely. He accuses Gary of cheating on him with one of their friends. Gary feels indignant by the accusation. He feels undervalued and underappreciated. Overtime, he does start to develop feelings for someone else.

But by the time they enter marriage therapy, the damage has been done. It takes a lot of healing and hard conversations before they begin to put their marriage back on the front seat again.

3. Your marriage lacks boundaries.

Gary’s best friend frequently drops by unannounced and often stays for dinner without checking with Alec first. Neither Alec nor Gary sets boundaries to protect their relationship from these disruptions. This leads inevitably to conflicts and a sense that their relationship is not private or respected. Alec starts to feel jealous and angry that he is no longer the primary person in Gary’s life. Gary feels frustrated that Alec never says no to work demands. He feels vindicated in spending time with friends since Alec is always at work and often appears distracted when he’s at home.

As for Felix and Nadine, they are not any better when it comes to boundaries. Nadine’s parents frequently drop by unannounced, to help with the kids. Often they give Nadine advice about her troubled marriage. Nadine shares her marital issues openly with her parents without checking with Felix. Felix is often painted in a bad light. Meanwhile, Felix, feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. He looks for attention elsewhere. He works overtime to hit higher sales numbers. When an opportunity to travel for work comes up, he accepts it without checking with Nadine first. Also, he has begun flirting with a coworker, and travels with hers often, which enrages Nadine.

One of the goals of marriage therapy, is to help couples begin to build healthy boundaries. This is both an inside job and outside job. Meaning that you need boundaries for yourself, but your relationship also needs boundaries to protect it from the outside world.

4. Genuine appreciation is absent.

Often times couples enter marriage therapy feeling unappreciated. For examples, Alec rarely expresses gratitude for Gary’s efforts in keeping the house clean. Even though Gary is naturally a bit of a slob. His efforts to curb his own behavior for Alec’s sake, go unnoticed. Gary also doesn’t acknowledge Alec’s hard work in supporting them both financially. Neither Over time, both Alec and Gary feel taken for granted and unappreciated. When couples withhold appreciation, often one or both people feel taken for granted. A lack of appreciation in one person often causes the other to follow suit. The couple then becomes gridlocked. Both are waiting for the other person to appreciate them, while withholding appreciation themselves. A couples therapist or marriage therapist can help change this dynamic.

5. Your marriage shows signs of both physical and emotional distance.

In Felix and Nadine’s marriage, physical affection has completely disappeared. They no longer cuddle on the couch or share spontaneous kisses. There are no hugs. Neither holds hands when they walk together. Touch is a powerful balm and healer. It helps cement and also depend connection. But when it’s low or absent the opposite is also true. Weak emotional and physical connections tend to go hand in hand. Untimely, this leads to both people feeling lonely even when together. That’s when a marriage therapist can help. Through the process marriage therapy. both people learn to repair the distance. They learn how to replace it with closeness over time. Both physical and emotional connection can be restored.

6. Support is low or completely missing.

When Alec is stressed about a tight deadline, Gary’s response is indifferent. He fails to recognize that Alec needs support, and so does not offer it. Similarly, when Gary feels overwhelmed by the care-taking of his aging parents, Alec dismisses his feelings and offers no help. This leads to feelings of abandonment and resentment, weakening the emotional bond.

Likewise, when Felix is stressed about a big sales pitch, Nadine becomes irritated. Rather than offering to help him practice or be a sounding board, she adds to the stress by getting angry. When Nadine talks about she feels overwhelmed by managing the kids’ schedules, Felix dismisses her feelings. Instead, he attempts to offer simple solutions to the problem that don’t involve him. He then goes back to work, leaving Nadine to feel abandoned and resentful. The cycle of low support, then continues until they enter marriage therapy.

7. You don’t make quality time for your marriage.

Alec and Gary spend most of their free time on individual activities or with other people, rarely planning activities together. Alec immerses himself in video games, while Gary spends hours at the gym or with friends. This reduces opportunities for bonding and shared experiences, leading to emotional drifting apart. Similarly, Felix and Nadine spend most of their free time on individual activities or with the kids. Felix immerses himself in watching sports, while Nadine spends hours helping the kids with their homework and projects. This leads to similar emotional drifting apart. By starting marriage therapy, you begin to shift this aspect, simply by making time weekly to focus on your marriage.

8. Destructive fighting is the norm.

Before they entered marriage therapy, Alec and Gary’s arguments escalated quickly. Alec often used hurtful words and Gary blamed Alec for starting the problem in the first place. Conflicts remain unresolved, creating ongoing tension and bitterness.

Similarly, in Felix and Nadine’s relationship, arguments escalate quickly, with Felix using hurtful words and Nadine blaming Felix for their problems. Conflicts remain unresolved, creating similar ongoing tension and bitterness.

9. One or both partners hold grudges.

When a couple enters marriage therapy. it’s not unusual for there to be resentment. Resentment over time can turn into a grudge. For examples, Alec often brings up Gary’s past mistakes during arguments. He criticizes Gary for drinking to much and not picking up after himself. Gary refuses to forgive Alec for a previous nasty comments Alec made during an argument. The ongoing negativity fuels further grudges and prevents healing. Neither Alec nor Gary can move forward, at they are both maintain the stale mate.

Let’s look at Nadine and Felix’s marriage now. In order to move forward in their marriage. Felix would need to decide to stop criticizing Nadine’s parenting. He would need to stop bringing up her perceived flaws during arguments and in front of the kids. Although he has apologized, Nadine refuses to forgive Felix for his insensitivity. She holds her own judgements towards him. Both refuse to accept an apology from the other because they both feel the other wronged them, and that they alone are “in the right”.

Looking for a good couples therapist or marriage therapist?

Marriage therapy does not have to be painful. And you don’t have to wait until your couple bubble has burst to ask for help. Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who can help turn your relationship around.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the both Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County. This includes the following communities: Maplewood, Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri

The Couple Bubble: Your Complete Guide to Protecting Your Marriage.

July 25, 2024Counseling for CouplesCouples Therapist, Couples Therapy, Marriage TherapyDanielle Kiesler

What is a couples bubble?

Why a couple bubble is important to your marriage

Dr. Tatkin emphasizes that the couple bubble is essential for creating a secure and resilient partnership. Without that level of protection an relationship may not last. Marriages can become vulnerable to both internal and external stressors. I like to think of a Couples Bubble as a kind of shield that protects the couples from harm and danger. Yet, the shield can also become permeable when needed to let in support, resources and information from the outside. The combination of both strength and flexibility are important qualities in marriage.

A marriage with a strong couples bubble (with specific examples)

To help understand how the concept of the couples bubble gets put into practice, let’s look at some examples. We will look at a fictional couple called Krya and Sam. Although they are fictional this couple illustrates how real couples can and do protect their marriage. how Kyra and Sam can protect their couple bubble, ensuring a secure, trusting, and intimate relationship.

10 signs that your couple bubble is strong:

1. Regular, open communication is the norm in your marriage

Kyra and Sam set aside 15 minutes every evening to talk about their day and share their feelings. When Kyra feels stressed about work, she tells Sam, and he listens attentively without interrupting. When Sam feels frustrated with a colleague he tells Kyra about it. This routine helps them maintain understanding and trust, ensuring they are aware of each other’s emotional state and needs. These kinds of open, honest and transparent communication are not always easy. Nor, do they come naturally to most couples. But the good news is that great communication can be learned. This is true whether you are a new couple or have been married for decades. With a little practice, courage and vulnerability

2. You prioritize each other

When Sam is offered a job that requires frequent travel, he discusses it with Kyra before making a decision, considering how it will affect their relationship. They decide together that he will take the job but limit travel to once a month. By making decisions together, they demonstrate that their relationship is a priority. This practice also sends the clear message that they value each other’s needs and input. When Kyra is asked to join an after hours work committee, she reflects on the impact on the marriage and checks it out with Sam.

3. You are both good at setting boundaries

Kyra’s mother frequently drops by unannounced. In the past this was a source of stress for the couple. But Kyra and Sam agreed on specific visiting hours and Kyra communicated this boundary to her mom. With a little practice and reinforcement on their part, it is no longer an issue. They also establish that Sundays are their private time, free from family visits. Setting boundaries protects their intimacy and ensures that external influences do not disrupt their relationship.

4. You and your partner express appreciation daily

Sam regularly thanks Kyra for her support and efforts. Whether it’s working hard to provide for their family or organizing their finances. Kyra often tells Sam how much she appreciates his humor and the little things he does around the house. He also happens to be an excellent chef and she praises his creations regularly. Sam publicly brags about Kyra’s “fun”personality and courage to his friends and coworkers. These regular expressions of gratitude reinforce positive feelings and support, making both partners feel valued.

5. Your marriage is characterized by physical affection

Kyra and Sam make it a point to hug each other every morning before leaving for work and cuddle on the couch while watching TV in the evenings. Regular physical touch strengthens their emotional bond and helps maintain a sense of closeness. Both Sam and Kyra touch, kiss and embrace each other regularly. Although scheduling sex is not something that works for all couples, it works for them. Physical affection tends to come easily in the early stages of a relationship, but requires concerted effort the longer a couple has been together.

6. Your marriage is supportive

When Kyra is overwhelmed with a project deadline, Sam takes over some of her household chores and offers words of encouragement. When Sam is dealing with a difficult situation with his dad, Kyra listens and offers emotional support. If one partner is ill or has low energy, the other often picks up the slack without complaint or the need for an immediate pay back. When both Kyra and Stan are struggling and/or their kids are struggling they are able to talk it out and come up with a plan together. By offering support during stressful times, they demonstrate to themselves and each other their commitment. Their bond gets reinforced and strengthened with each of these experiences.

7. You spend quality time together

Kyra and Sam schedule a date night every Friday where they try a new restaurant or engage in a fun activity like bowling. They also enjoy cooking dinner together on weekends. Sam likes to surprise Kyra with new experience. Last month he scheduled a cooking class together. Another time they enjoyed taking sailing lessons. Spending quality time together helps them reconnect and creates shared experiences that strengthen their relationship.

8. You fight well together

When Kyra and Sam have a disagreement, they resolve conflicts constructively. They avoid shouting and name-calling. Instead, they sit down and calmly discuss their perspectives, seeking to understand each other. Neither stops until both feel heard. When possible, they work to find a solution that works for both. This kind of constructive conflict resolution strengths their couples bubble. It also prevents resentment and maintains harmony in their relationship.

9. You practice forgiveness in your marriage

When Sam forgets their anniversary, Kyra is hurt but decides to talk about her feelings instead of holding a grudge. Sam apologizes sincerely, and Kyra forgives him, acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes. Practicing forgiveness helps them move past hurt feelings. It also helps repair old wounds and prevent possible trauma. Forgiveness makes the relationship stronger and resilient.

10. Your marriage has specific supportive rituals in place

Kyra and Sam have a tradition of having breakfast in bed every Sunday morning. Because of his work schedule, Sam often arrives home before Kyra. So when Kyra comes home, she makes a point of seeking Sam out, hugging and kissing him as a way of greeting him. They also celebrate their wedding anniversary by revisiting the place where they first met. These shared rituals and traditions provide a sense of stability and continuity, that reinforces their bond and creates cherished memories.

Looking for a good couples therapist or marriage therapist?

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who can help turn your relationship around.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri

“Fix My Spouse!” The truth behind what it takes to help a marriage

July 12, 2022Counseling for Couplesmarriage help, Marriage TherapyDanielle Kiesler

Let’s consider for a moment a dangerous fantasy that just about every couple has when they first step into my office. Often it’s unspoken. The fantasy is so powerful it can single-handedly derail an entire marriage for years. The fantasy goes like this: “Since my spouse is the real cause of our marital problems, I need someone skilled to fix them” Some time in the middle of the first session as they seek marriage help the fantasy will reveal its self like an unwelcome guest. One of the spouses will lean back in the over stuffed sofa in my office and drop the not-so-subtle hint: “ Can you please fix my spouse?”

On the surface this seems like a reasonable request. Sometimes the spouse will even agree that they are the problem. They will offer themselves up like a willing patient. Ready to put on the hospital gown and slap on the ID band. None of which, of course is necessary. But it adds to the drama of the fantasy. That’s when I know it’s time to deliver the hard truth .

The sobering truth of marriage therapy: how problems really get solved

“ It seems that you both are in agreement that one of you is the main problem here.” at which point both or one partner usually nods. I take a breath and go on ” But I have to say, in all my years as a marriage therapist, that has never been the case.”

“In fact, just the opposite is often true. Neither of you got here by yourselves. So, it’s going to take both of you to solve this problem. At this point the two will usually look at each other for the first time. They may size each other up. A look of either disappointment or shock on their faces. Sometimes it’s a combination of the two. The true state of their marriage is re-considered. Now therapy has begun.

Marriage help: The good and the bad news

Can I fix your partner? Sure, I can. But it likely won’t work. Just like a patient is likely to reject an organ transplant if the donor is not a good match (no matter how skilled the doctor might be) The only good match in the case of your marriage is you. You created this marriage together, problems and all. And if this marriage is to get better, if it is to heal, then both need to shoulder the burden equally. Both partners need to be a part of the solution. This might seem like bad news but it’s not.

You can’t change another person, but you can …

You can change yourself of course. If you are seeking marriage help and want your spouse to change you are going to have to do some changing too. It’s just the law of relationships. This is how they work.

Different problems require Different Kinds of Solutions

On the one hand it makes sense. When you have a problem, you go to an expert to solve it. When you need your car fixed, you take it to a mechanic. They do the work for you. You will never be asked to be an active participant in the process. That would be ridiculous. You don’t have the training. The only thing you are expected to do is fork out a lot of cash in the end. Accountants and financial advisors expect you to simply hand over your information and leave. They don’t want you involved in the numbers. That would only screw things up. And doctors don’t even allow you in the surgery room if your spouse is sick.

But what if the relationship itself is sick? Even if the relationship is not sick per se, but a problem for one or more people, then that requires a different approach.

The more complex the Marriage problem, the more team work is needed from both partners when seeking marriage help.

Marriage help requires a different Approach.

This is obvious when you look at other professions geared towards solving relational problems. And there are a few. A corporate business consultant would be of no use if he or she did not meet with the key team players. Not just once, but multiple times. In fact our whole legal system is predicated on the idea of fairness and justice. That means both sides of any dispute need to represented fairly and they need to be heard. The same is true for marriage.

Yes, but my spouse really does have a problem…….

I hear you. And that problem is real. But here’s the deal: when one person has a problem everyone is affected by it. Therefore everyone needs to be a part of the solution. This makes sense when you think about it. Whether the problem is an addiction, communication, sex, kids, money or cleanliness everyone’s lives are touched by it. Individual therapy can help. But it won’t improve your marriage.

The Couples Dance: the 5 couples communication patterns that keep you stuck

December 20, 2021Counseling for Couplescommunication, couples, marriage, Marriage Therapy, premarital counselingDanielle Kiesler

By understanding your unique couples communication pattern you can Learn to free yourselves .

Every relationship is unique. And relationships are often complex. That is because they are comprised of a combination of communication patterns between two people, both verbal and non-verbal, including attachment patterns ( how you each learned to DO relationship growing up) as well as how each of your nervous systems are uniquely wired. This is what I call the couples dance.

And it’s a lot to navigate. No wonder most couples communication problems can get out of control so easily, and are often resistant to simple problem solving! So, to make things easier and hopefully more understandable I’ve identified 5 clear interactions patterns that couples can fall into with each other. These are inspired both by attachment theory, polyvagal theory, the developmental model and the psycho-biological approach to working with couples, and of course my own clinical experience.

And because I love dance and believe dance is a great metaphor to describe these couples communication patterns, I’ve given them each a dance name. This is by no means an exhaustive list, it’s just what I tend to see show up in my office most frequently. Perhaps communication with your spouse or partner fall in one of these patterns? Let’s look at them.

1. The Freedom Waltz

Your Couples Communication Pattern:

You value freedom and independence as a couple. Perhaps you both have careers that are rewarding and require that lion’s share of your time and energy. You both don’t mind giving each other plenty of time and space to pursue these activities. Constant communication for you as a couple is not a necessity. You both need your alone time. Perhaps you even have agreed to have a somewhat unconventional relationship. Again, all in the name of freedom. Perhaps you have a somewhat separate lives, live in separate places, have decided to have an open marriage, and that works for both of you for the most part.