Marriage Counseling Archives

“If that’s what you think, than I’m done with this marriage!” Joan shot one hand into the air as though giving a warning shot. She took a step towards the door and then paused. As soon as the words escaped her mouth she instantly regretted them.But she couldn’t take them back. The words flew out before she had actually registered completely. There was a part of her that hoped that Jerome would not take the words seriously. That he would continued to fight for the marriage as he had at the beginning of their relationship. But that’s not what happened.

“Fine. I can’t believe I wasted 25 years of my life” His words were sharp but his tone steady. As though he had been secretly waiting for this movement.

Two weeks went by before they showed up in my office. By then their tone with each other had changed. They were soft spoken and full of remorse. But the air around them was thick with tension.

The Two kinds of Couples Fights

All couples fight. I’m not talking about chronic physical fights that are part of domestic violence. Rather, the verbal and emotional fights that are part of life together as a couple. That can range anywhere from quiet disagreements and misunderstandings to escalating arguments that lead to yelling matches and even threats. Fighting is a normal part of any intimate, long-term relationship. But there is a difference between fights that lead to lasting damage in a marriage vs ones that ultimately make you both stronger.

In a way, you could say there are just these two kinds of fights. You could thing of them as forks in the road of a train track. If your marriage is a train, it can either take the Lasting Damage Track or the Strong Repair Track. One leads to a weakness and the ultimate demise of the marriage, and the other has the potential to make the marriage stronger.

The Damage Track & Gridlock

It was clear that Joan and Jerome were on the lasting damage track of their marriage. Jerome sat back in his chair, his arms crossed—a clear shield. While Joan sat lightly at the edge of her seat, as though suspended from a hanger. Her hands circled nervously around each other. She appeared ready to bolt at any moment.

Despite the obvious tension between they both appeared helpless as to what to do about it. Neither was able to make eye contact, except with me as their couple’s therapist. Their faces appeared weighed down by the enormity of what they knew they were here to unpack. No one wanted to make the first move.

This is marital gridlock. And it’s one of the features of the damage track. I suspected Jerome and Joan had been on this track for awhile.

Couple Fighting — Fights with your partner don’t have to get this bad

The Context of a Big, Ugly Fight

Fighting doesn’t occur in a vacuum. There is always a context. After some initial unpacking, the context of the damage to their marriage became clear. Jerome had been in a bad mood for months due to the stresses and increased demands of a new job. When under stress he tends to withdrawal. He spent long hours at the office trying to get up to speed. This was followed by increased time at the gym to try to combat the stresses.

Stress & Denial

“I told myself it was all just temporary” he said. Then six months went by. Then, nine months. Before he knew it anxiety, stress and overwhelm had taken over his life. He was never home and felt guilty. But when he was home, he also felt he was letting people at work down. Depression started to set in.

Joan, on the other hand, felt more stable, at least at first . Initially, she was understanding and accommodating to Jerome’s absence. She stepped up more at home without complaint. She took on the mother-load of parenting their two kids. But after a while resentment started to build. “How long exactly was this going to go on?” She thought. Also, she felt unappreciated by Jerome. Underneath she was lonely.

Buried Feelings & Criticism

She missed Jerome and was tired of feeling like a single parent. But she didn’t say any of this to him for fear of stressing him out more. Under stress Joan alternates between withdrawal and criticism. The criticisms of Jerome were subtle at first, and slowly built to a crescendo. Eventually, she couldn’t hold back any longer. There was so much stored resentment over the months and years that it all came flooding out. Suddenly, the “D” word was on the table. Divorce was not what either of them wanted. Yet, somehow it had come to this.

Poor Communication

Looking back, neither of them had talked about the new job and it’s potential impact on their marriage and on their lives. No one discussed feelings and expectations about the multiple roles they shared together. And nothing was negotiated in advance. In fact, it was apparent they didn’t talk much at all. Except about the most trivial things: their favorite show, whose turn it was to take out the trash or pick up the kids.

Had they sat down and communicated these things with each other it might have been different. If they had communicated openly, while staying present and emotionally vulnerable, they might have prevented a fight in the first place. Or at least the damaging kind.

Lesson 1: Open Communication + Vulnerability = Damage Prevention

Both Joan and Jerome felt injured by the things said just two weeks before. And both had regrets. Yet, they had not been ready to admit them, until now. Once the air had cleared between them a bit, it was time. Joan elected to go first. We went over the elements of a good repair. If took some practice but she eventually got it.

“I know I said some things that were hurtful to you … things I wish I could take back now”. her hands continued to turn over and over again in her lap as she spoke. Jerome kept his eyes on particular spot on the rug. He nodded gently in acknowledgement.

Lesson 2: For a stronger bond, learn the art of repair

One of the reasons so many of their fights had continued to escalate and gone off the rails, is that they had never repaired the previous one. Many couples are unsuccessful at resolving conflict because they don’t know the elements of a good repair or how to put them into practice. without that knowledge, the cycle inevitably continues.

Lesson 3: The need to be right can kill a marriage

Part of the problem is that both Jerome and Joan wanted to be right. They wanted to defend their position and convince the other that they were in the wrong. This usually falls flat of course, and just leads to more fighting. Terry Real, a well-known couples therapist, is often credited with saying, “You can be right or you can be married, what’s more important to you?”

If the relationship is most important than one person needs to decide to let go of the need to be right. This is often easier said than done. But once couples figure it out, it becomes a key element in making a good repair and upending the fight cycle.

Want more Tips on How to Fight Right? Hoping to end the Same old endless Argument ?

Plus, we’ll send you Part 2 of the story of Jerome & Joan and lessons they learned after 16weeks of therapy

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Jada and Pat had come to me because of a sexless marriage. Jada sat on one end of the couch, her arms folded tightly across her chest, her eyes fixed on a distant point on the wall. Pat sat on the other end, his shoulders slumped, his gaze cast downward. The counseling room was dimly lit, creating a sense of intimacy that contrasted with the obvious distance between them.

Pat and Jada ( not their real names) were an attractive couple in their 50’s who had been married for more than 20 years and have two grown kids. From the outside they had all the obvious trappings of success. They had developed careers that were both personally and financially rewarding. Together they had bought and renovated a beautiful home, and successfully raised two healthy and thriving kids. Yet, beneath the veneer of success lurked another story.

Shadows of Discontent

Jada, with her poised demeanor and impeccable style, appeared to commanded respect even in the therapy room. As a respected figure in the business community, she had gained admiration from colleagues from a combination of grace and confidence. Her vibrant smile and friendly demeanor masked the inner turmoil she faced, behind closed doors.

Pat, too, appeared outwardly successful in his endeavors. With his easy charm and affable personality, he navigated social gatherings with ease, effortlessly engaging in conversations with friends and acquaintances. As a dedicated father and provider, he took pride in his role within the family, his unwavering commitment to their well-being evident in his every action. Yet, beneath his jovial exterior lay a sense of frustration and longing, just beneath the surface.

Despite their outward appearance of success, the cracks in their marriage remained, hidden from view but clear once they were both behind closed doors. After getting to know them a little bit, the conversation eventually turned to the reason for their visit: a sexless marriage.

Resignation and Resentment

Jada’s lips tightened when I brought up the topic. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat before speaking. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “It’s difficult for me to talk about that part of my life… I just don’t feel like myself anymore…” Her voice trailed off for a moment and then returned. “it’s like something inside me shut down. I have no desire” “ I know it would make Pat happy, but I can’t manufacture something that’s not that. The fact that he wants it so badly only makes me feel worse.” “I know he’s not trying to pressure me, but I do feel pressured”

Pat’s brows furrowed, his frustration evident. “She thinks it’s just about the physical aspect; but it’s not. I miss that connection we used to have. it’s about feeling close to Jada. And when she shuts me down like this, it hurts.” Pat sighed heavily, his voice tinged with resignation. “I feel like I’m not enough for her, like I’m failing as a husband. And after so many rejections, I just stopped trying.”Jada’s eyes brimmed with tears, and she shook her head.

The Couples Dance: The 5 communication patterns the Keep you and your partner stuck

The Many Reasons Sex Can Disappear from marriage

Sex pain and/or problems with sexual function
Work Demands
Care taking Responsibilities
Trauma
Multiple stressors keep you and your partner in a perpetual state of stress
You or you’re partner perpetually get stuck in the left side of your brain
You or you’re partner live a disembodied life
Relational Road Blocks like resentment, fear, checking-out, etc.

Let’s talk about sex pain for a minute. Painful sex, if left unresolved can lead to emotional, physical, and relational damage if left untreated.

Dealing with Physical Barriers to Sex

Let’s talk about sex pain for a minute. Painful sex, if left unresolved can lead to emotional, physical, and relational damage over time. It then becomes a complex bundle of issues. Both Jada and pat had some physical challenges to deal with. For Jada, she needed to confront the physical, mental and emotional changes that went along with menopause, starting with decreased desire. Pat had some physical issues of his own. A life-saving medical procedure of his prostate, had left him with slight nerve damage. In his recovery, he worried about his sexual performance. Even if Jada’s desire did return, would he still be able to pleasure her?

After a combination of couples therapy, as well as consultations with medical professionals, both Jada and Pat were able to work through these physical issues. Until finally, the emotional and relational issues were all that remained.

Working through Relational Road Blocks that lead to a Sexless Marriage

“I didn’t know how to put it into words.” Jada said cautiously, but there is a part of me that still is hesitant to open up to Pat. It’s like I’m afraid to be vulnerable.” “ Things have definitely gotten better between us, but it’s still hard to trust it” Pat reached out tentatively, his hand finding hers on the couch. He spoke with a growing certainty in his voice. “Jada, I love you, and I’m here for you, no matter what. We’re in this together.” Jada’s lips quivered, but also she looked relieved. She squeezed his hand lightly. “I love you too, Pat.” She appeared as though stepping cautiously onto ice. “ I want us to find our way back to each other.”

The biggest Myth of the Sexless Marriage

One of the biggest myths of marriage is that loss of a sex life is inevitable. This is just not true. Many couples have a rewarding sex life, even later in life. You don’t have to accept sexlessness as a normal stage of life. This is even true of couples in midlife who have been together for decades, and have weathered a lot of stressors together. Change is always possible, especially if both partner’s want the transformation. Good sex is not just a thing belong to youth, or only possible at the early stages of a relationship. Actually, it is possible to rekindle desire in marriage at any stage of life. And it is also possible to have the best sex of your life at midlife or even later.

Gently Expanding Capacity for Pleasure

Over time, Jada and Pat’s relationship began to take a different shape. After working though relational road blocks they had learned to become safely embodied again. Instead of their usual habit of retreating into their individual spheres for safety, Jada and Pat made a conscious effort to prioritize their relationship. They carved out time for romantic dates and intimacy. Their growing communication and intimacy skills allowed them to continue to both expand and deepen their connection. Plus, they knew how to monitor each other’s stress levels and shift gears when needed. They took fun, safe, risks together while maintaining their enjoyment of each other. When hard stuff arose, they were able to work through it quickly, directly and skillfully. In short, they were building both the skills and capacity for pleasure and long-lasting intimacy.

What’s Possible for Sex in Marriage

After weeks an months of practice, Pat and Jada showed up in my office markedly different. Gone were the complaints of a sexless marriage. Instead, there was a lightness in the air, and casualness about them that made them appear younger than their years. Their interactions seemed genuine and even flirtatious. In my office, they both appeared to glow a little. Gone were the tense silences or angry outbursts. Instead, their was a depth to their conversation, followed by moments of playful banter. They appeared almost to as different people. But of course they weren’t.

After recounting a fabulous dinner together, followed by steamy sex Jada laid back in her chair, then straightened a bit.

“ I don’t know if I want to stay married” she declared to Pat, a clear hint of flirtation in her voice. “ Can we just keep on dating each other?”. A moment of fear flashed across Pat’s face, and then relaxation. He reached out caressed her arm gently.

“How about we stay married AND continue to date each other?” Jada thought about this then laughed playfully.

“Sounds good to me!”

Are you Struggling with a Sexless Marriage?

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Contact our office and get connected with an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists. Whether you are a new couple thinking about marriage or a mature couple with tons of experience behind you, we’ve got you covered. We will help coach you and your partner toward a better relationship.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the following communities: Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.