Tag Archives: couples counseling

The Purpose Centered Marriage

Counseling for Couples, ,

What the Top Four Couples Therapy Approaches Reveal About Your Relationship

Couples Therapy

All couples eventually need to step back and look at the big picture of their marriage. This is especially important if you are thinking about getting married, but it is true at every stage. Everyone enters marriage expecting to gain something meaningful from it. Yet in my experience working with many couples, I’ve often noticed some couples thrive more than others.

Many factors contribute to a successful,  happy marriage, but the most fulfilling ones often share a sense of purpose. Couples often come to me asking for a particular therapy approach, which makes me curious. Is there one approach that out shines the others when it comes to creating a purpose centered marriage? Or are they all in fact similar?

I decided to investigate and share with you what I have found. To simplify, I have narrowed down the many couples therapy schools into just four. These represent the top four I’ve noticed are most popular among both therapists and couples: Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), The Gottman Approach, and Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Let’s look at each and explore where they stand when it comes to a marriage’s vision, mission and purpose.

Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) 

According to the PACT framework, understanding the nuances between shared purpose, mission, and vision is crucial for building a secure-functioning relationship. PACT is all about creating secure-functioning in couples. Others might call it earned secure attachment, which is a fancy way of saying that if you were taught from a young age how to do relationships in an unhealthy way, it’s never too late to change. Secure functioning is the result of having learned a healthier way of relating.

PACT is a favorite method of ours at Dance of Change Counseling because it blends well edwith the somatic therapy approaches that we use. In PACT, the therapist tracks moment-to-moment shifts in the face, body, and voice of both partners. Therapists help partners learn to be more attuned and respond to these subtle shifts in each other. This makes communication not only easier, but more effective. Because PACT is very concrete in its approach, it is also effective with Neurodiverse Couples.

While PACT uses terms like purpose, mission, and vision interchangeably, they represent distinct aspects of your shared life.

A shared purpose addresses the fundamental “why” behind the relationship. It’s the core reason you as a couple have chosen to be together. This might involve shared values, a desire for companionship, or a commitment to mutual growth and support. It’s the bedrock upon which the relationship is built, answering questions like “Why are we doing this together?” That purpose could be having kids, traveling, or making the world a better place.

The mission of a couple is the “what” they aim to achieve together. It translates the broader purpose into specific, actionable goals. Your mission could be to raise children with certain values, to create a loving and supportive home, or to pursue shared passions and projects. The mission provides direction and focus, outlining you as your collective endeavors.

Finally, the vision is the “where” you as a couple sees themselves in the future. It’s the aspirational image of their ideal life together, encompassing their hopes, dreams, and long-term goals. A shared vision might involve traveling the world, building a thriving business, or creating a legacy. The vision provides inspiration and motivation, guiding you as a couple toward their desired future.

Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the focus is primarily on the emotional bond and attachment needs within your relationship. While EFT doesn’t explicitly use the terms “purpose,” “mission,” and “vision” in the same way as PACT, these concepts are inherently addressed through the lens of attachment. In EFT, your shared purpose is often understood as the desire for a secure and loving bond, where each partner feels safe, understood, and valued. The mission, then becomes the process of creating and maintaining this secure attachment. This involves identifying and addressing negative interaction cycles, accessing underlying emotions, and fostering vulnerability and responsiveness. The vision in EFT is a future where you as a couple experiences a strong, resilient emotional connection, capable of weathering life’s challenges together. This vision is built upon the foundation of secure attachment, where partners can turn to each other for comfort, support, and reassurance.

The Differences Between PACT and EFT

EFT differs from PACT in its primary focus. PACT emphasizes the neurobiological and developmental aspects of relationships, focusing on mutual regulation, security, and fairness. It actively guides couples in creating a shared vision, mission, and purpose, often involving explicit agreements and principles.

EFT, on the other hand, is more focused on emotional processing and attachment needs. It aims to help couples identify and express their core emotions, understand their attachment patterns, and create a more secure emotional bond. While PACT emphasizes the “what” and “how” of building a secure relationship, EFT focuses more on the “why” and the emotional underpinnings of the relationship dynamic.

Both approaches ultimately aim for a strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationship by  taking different pathways to get there.

Gottman’s Approach to Couples Therapy

John Gottman’s approach to couples therapy focuses on building a “Sound Relationship House.” Gottman uses the house often as a metaphor for a strong and lasting partnership. While Gottman doesn’t explicitly outline “purpose, mission, and vision” in the same way as PACT, these elements are woven into the framework.

In other models, you may be asked to define your purpose as a couple. In Gottman’s model, your shared purpose will be given to you. Gottman defines purpose as the desire to create a meaningful and fulfilling life together, built on friendship, trust, and commitment. Your mission as a couple will also be handed to you.

According to Gottman, the mission of every marriage is to actively cultivate the “Sound Relationship House.” This includes building love maps (knowing each other’s inner world), fostering fondness and admiration. It also means turning towards each other for connection and managing conflict constructively. You will be asked to help each other make life dreams come true and create shared meaning together.

The vision in Gottman’s approach is a future where you as a couple have a rich and rewarding life together, marked by deep connection, mutual respect, and a shared sense of purpose. This vision is achieved by consistently practicing the skills and principles of the Sound Relationship House.

Couples Therapy

How Gottman’s Approach Differs from Other Methods

Gottman’s approach differs from both EFT and PACT in that it has many research-based skills and interventions. While EFT focuses on emotional bonding and attachment needs, and PACT emphasizes the neurobiological and developmental aspects of relationships, Gottman provides a more structured and skills-based approach. Gottman’s method involves assessing couples’ interactions, identifying strengths and weaknesses, and teaching specific tools for communication, conflict management, and building intimacy.

Unlike EFT’s focus on emotional processing, Gottman’s method is more behavioral and directive. And where PACT actively guides couples in creating explicit agreements and principles, Gottman focuses on teaching couples the skills to navigate their relationship dynamics effectively.

Relational Life Therapy (RLT)

Terry Real developed Relational Life Therapy (RLT) which is known as one of the more confrontational approaches. I had the privilege of taking a workshop from Real many years ago and he does not mince words. A natural showman, his face was often animated and he flung his arms around for emphasis. The whole room full of therapists would often bust into laughter. You couldn’t help yourself as his interventions were surprising and cathartic.

RLT is distinguished by its focus on power dynamics and relational maturity. It offers a blend of skill-building, emotional awareness, and direct confrontation of destructive patterns in couples. The emphasis is on moving beyond the individual psychology of you and your partner. The aim is for both of you to understand each other better and address the relational dynamics between you.

RLT focuses on taking apart the patterns that lead to disconnection and power imbalances. Like Gottman’s approach, your shared purpose will be handed to you. It can be seen as the desire to create a relationship characterized by mutuality, equality, and connection. The mission becomes the work of identifying and challenging your “relational blindness” together. This means recognizing patterns of control or withdrawal, and developing skills that help you both act more like grown ups together.

This involves taking personal responsibility for yourself in the relationship. It also means speaking directly and assertively to your partner, which may be a challenge. RLT involves practicing “relational mindfulness” as opposed to a self focused or distracted behavior.  In RLT, your marriage’s mission will be provided for you as well. It’s described as a future where you and your partner can experience a truly intimate and equitable relationship together; a relationship that is free from the destructive patterns of your past.

Your marriage’s vision is achieved by you and your partner committing to personal growth and each taking responsibility for your part in the relational dynamic.

How Does RLT Compare to Other  Approaches?

Like Gottman, RLT emphasizes specific skills and interventions. But unlike Gottman, RLT focuses more on addressing power dynamics and aims to promote relational maturity. Where Gottman focuses on building a “Sound Relationship House” through specific behaviors, RLT focuses on shifting the underlying relational dynamic.

You could say that RLT wants to fundamentally shift the ground your house rests on. Similar to EFT, RLT acknowledges the importance of emotions, but it goes further in addressing how individual emotional patterns play out in the relational system and how power dynamics influence emotional expression.

RLT and PACT share some overlap. Both focus on individual responsibility and personal growth, but PACT emphasizes the neurobiological underpinnings of relationships more strongly. RLT is unique in its direct confrontation of relational patterns and its emphasis on personal responsibility and relational maturity. So, it is not for the faint of heart.

I hope this in-depth comparison has been helpful to you. As you can probably see, while all four approaches aim for a healthy, fulfilling relationship, they address different facets of the relational dynamic. They also use different strategies for change.

Couples Therapy

Which Approach is Right for You?

At Dance of Change, we believe each relationship is unique; Therefore, we take a customized approach based on your goals and needs as a couple. That often means drawing from multiple couples therapy approaches. Most couples need a combination of skill building, scaffolding, attachment work, and disrupting old patterns. We believe this is what’s most important, rather than pledging loyalty to a particular approach. However, if you and your spouse or partner have a preference, we will of course take that into account.

Regardless of the approach, having a strong mission, shared vision, and purpose is essential. It is the lighthouse that guides the ship of your relationship through dark and treacherous times, leading you both back to safety.

In Need of Couples Therapy?

We’ve got you covered. Our Marriage and Family Therapists are not only trained in many of these approaches, we are also licensed to provide Marriage or Couples Counseling.

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who can help or go to our booking page to request an appointment.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri, and serve couples in both Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County. Give us a call at (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com.

The 4 Stress Responses & Their Effect on Relationships

Body-Mind Medicine, , ,

…And the three elements that help shift them.

Stressed women curled up stress response

The 4 Stress Responses

Understanding the 4 stress responses and their effect on relationships is crucial because when we experience stress, our bodies go into a state of alarm when we experience stress, our bodies go into a state of alarm. This is a natural response that helps us to prepare to deal with threats. Not everyone experiences stress in the same way, but everyone experiences different variations of the same general responses. It is important to know how to manage stress symptoms when it comes to our personal lives and in our relationships. There are four main stress responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.

No doubt, you have heard of them, at least a little bit. However, many people are unaware when they themselves are in a stress response. What’s easier and more common is to see the stress response in someone else rather than in yourself. This happens in couples all the time. Let’s look at each of the four stress responses and how to manage them. First, from an individual perspective, and then from the perspective of a relationship.

Fight

Fight is the most common stress response and often our first go-to reaction. When we fight, our bodies release hormones that increase our heart rate, blood pressure, and muscle tension. This prepares us to physically confront the threat. These changes over time can lead to common physical experiences such as chest pain or tightness, sweating, and breathing changes, such as shallow breathing or rapid breathing. Internally, the primary characteristic of fight is judgment or criticism.

If you find yourself thinking that you have been wronged or that you are bad or wrong, you’re probably stuck in fight. There can be an obsession with the wrongdoing of others and feelings of injustice. Fight can also be turned inward and experienced as self-criticism and eventually depression. With a spouse or family member, you can notice other signs as well. Changes in facial expressions, such as frowning, grimacing, or clenching the jaw are common. They may become more fidgety, or avoid eye contact. You might also notice changes in their voice, such as speaking more quickly or quietly, or with a higher or lower pitch. Your partner may become suddenly withdrawn, irritable, or angry, or make more mistakes than usual.

Flight

Flight is another common stress response. When we flee, our bodies release hormones that help us to run away from the threat. This is a more adaptive response than fight when the threat is too dangerous to confront. It is a natural reaction to a perceived threat, and it involves the body preparing to run away from danger. Internally, you may notice some of the same symptoms that you would when you are in a fight response, however, the internal experience is different. Increased heart rate and blood pressure, muscle tension, and rapid breathing are just some of the physical signs. The main characteristic of flight is obsessive thinking.

Worry and obsessive thoughts are the most common feature. Thoughts tend to center around either what could go wrong in the future, planning or preparing for it, or what went wrong in the past and ruminating on it. There is an avoidance of the present moment and a quickening pace. You can notice this in others in their speech and behavior patterns. Your partner or family member’s facial expressions might look fearful or panicked. They might fidget or pace, and avoid eye contact more than usual. They might also appear grumpy or short-tempered, but the underlying emotion is fear. With the flight response, the impulse to get away or escape is real.

Couple in Flight Stress Response

Freeze

Freeze is the least common stress response in the general population and it is the most common stress response when it comes to trauma. This is especially true with medical trauma, sexual trauma, and early developmental or relational trauma. However, even without trauma, we all experience freeze at times. When you freeze, your body goes into a state of immobility. This is a survival mechanism that helps you to avoid detection by predators.

Some signs of the freeze response include shallow breathing and rigid or overly loose muscles. You may feel like you are stuck, unable to move or speak. Or you may feel like you are witnessing yourself from a distance. Some people describe feeling like they are not really there or that things are not real. Numbness, confusion, or lack of feeling can also be a sign.

Fawn

Fawn is what happens when you feel threatened by someone, but it’s not safe to fight or run. You choose to stay and try to keep the peace no matter what. This makes it one of the more complex stress responses. Instead of fighting back or freezing up, you focus on making others happy—sometimes even when it hurts you. If someone is upset, you rush to fix it. You agree with things you don’t believe. Or you may agree to do things your body doesn’t want to do. You may smile when you’re uncomfortable. On the outside, you seem easygoing, helpful, and extremely nice. Inside you might feel anxious, scared, exhausted, or even invisible.

Your body reacts too. Your heart might race, your stomach might feel tight, and your brain might get busy figuring out how to stay on everyone’s good side. This is different from a traditional Fight response, where you get angry and push back. However, it does have some similarities to fight. Instead of fighting for your life, you are fighting for the relationship at your own cost.

Like the Freeze response, there may be parts of your body or experience that shut down. However, it is not a complete freeze response in that you are still actively fighting to preserve the relationship. With Fawning, you move toward the threat instead of away from it—trying to stay safe by being likable and avoiding conflict. Over time, this can make it hard to know what you really want or how you really feel. This is because you’re so used to focusing on others. But the good news? Once you notice it, you can learn to reclaim your true feelings, set boundaries, say what you think, and take care of your needs too. The best part is you can learn to do this without self-sacrifice.

Couple Fight Stress Response

Stress is not your enemy!

As you probably know already, not all stress is bad. Each of the stress responses has its own way of protecting you from harm, in ways that are helpful and even life-saving. For example, the Fight response is necessary when you need to assert yourself. Whether that’s expressing an opinion in a meeting or telling a child to get out of a busy road. In these instances, your fight response is a friend and can be helpful in dealing with short-term threats. The problem is we can get stuck in our stress responses and overdo it. A stuck fight response can also lead to aggression, violence, or even chronic pain symptoms. Flight can be effective in dealing with long-term threats, but it can also lead to anxiety and avoidance. Freeze can be effective in dealing with overwhelming threats, but it can also lead to dissociation and detachment.

How Your Stress Response Affects Your Relationships

Our stress responses can have a significant impact on our relationships. When we are stressed, we may become more irritable, withdrawn, or aggressive. We may also have difficulty communicating effectively or problem-solving. This can lead to conflict, misunderstandings, and distance in our relationships.

It is important to be aware of how our stress responses affect our relationships both individually and as a couple. If we can learn to manage our stress healthily, we can improve our communication, reduce conflict, and strengthen our relationships. One of the best things to do if your partner is in a stress response is simply to express your concern.

To Communicate or Not When Under Stress

Someone who is in a stress response may not be ready to communicate right away. It’s important to respect and honor that. If they are open to talking, you can ask them how they are feeling and if they are aware of any of the signs of stress. If they are not aware of their stress signs, sometimes it better to leave any conversation to rest for some time until the stress is over. Some couples (or even family members) like to give each other permission ahead of time to gently point out when the other person is under stress. This can be helpful, so long as both people agree in advance. Pointing out a partner’s stress without a prior agreement will probably only increase it. You can also offer them support and encouragement either verbally or non-verbally.

But what if you, yourself are caught in a stress response? Then it’s probably best to focus on yourself before focusing on another person. Read on for how to do that for both yourself and as a couple.

child stress response

3 Approaches to Recover from Stress

There are many different approaches to healing from stress. Some common approaches include:

1. Time

Sometimes, the best way to heal from stress is to simply give yourself time. Allow yourself to take a short break from any current pressures in your life, even if it’s just for five minutes. This allows you the time you need to rest, recover, and process the stressful event. Over time, your body will naturally return to a state of balance. Parents often give kids a time-out for this reason. Adults sometimes need timeouts too. In my work with couples, I often encourage both partners to take a time-out for at least 20 minutes when emotions run high. Twenty minutes is the minimum amount of time most people need for their nervous systems to shift out of the stress mode and into something new. Though, many people need more time.

2. Space

Another helpful approach is to create space between yourself and the stressors. This could mean taking a break from work, spending time in nature, or getting away from the situation that is causing you stress. With couples, this often means physically creating separation between the two of you for a short period. Perhaps moving into different rooms if you live together or leaving the house briefly until the stress has settled a bit.

3. Perspective

Often, our stress is caused by our perception of a situation. Many people experience stress when they feel a boundary has been crossed. The tricky part is sometimes a boundary has not actually been crossed. Misunderstanding can make it seem this way. In this case, there may not be a real physical threat, but the experience can still feel threatening.

The important thing to know is that under stress your perspective will change. Your focus narrows and there may be a tendency to look for fault and to blame. This is the case even for simple misunderstandings, which are common in all relationships. Sometimes taking both time and space to calm down is enough to regain a wider perspective. Then, from a wider perspective, you can actually move beyond blame into a real conversation that might actually be helpful.

Having a wider perspective can be enough to reduce your and your partner’s stress levels. This ultimately can lead to the ability to re-frame the situation in a more positive light or accept that you cannot control everything.

If you are struggling with stress, please know that you are not alone. There are many resources available to help you. Please reach out for help if you need it.

Relationship stress is unavoidable.

Stress is a normal part of life. And it’s also a normal part of all relationships. However, when stress becomes chronic, it can have a negative impact on both your physical and mental health as well as the health of your relationship. It is important to learn how to manage stress in a healthy way. Both with yourself and with your partner. There are many different approaches to healing from stress, and the best approach for you will depend on you and your partner’s individual needs. If you are struggling with chronic stress, please reach out for help.

Stuck in a Stress Response?

A therapist can help you to understand your unique stress response, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and improve your relationships.

At Dance of Change, we use a variety of mindfulness-based stress reduction approaches including Somatic Experiencing (SE), yoga, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and many other approaches customized to your needs. Many of these can be applied to Individual, Family, and Couples Therapy.

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who can help or go to our booking page to request an appointment.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri, and serve couples in both Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County. Give us a call at (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com.

Self-Regulation: Your Guide to Stellar Mental Health

Body-Mind Medicine, , , ,

self-regulation

What is Self-Regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to control your thoughts, emotions, and actions, even when things get tough. It’s about managing how you react to stress, frustration, and big emotions instead of letting them take over. Think of it as your inner control tower to keep calm, stay focused, and respond thoughtfully to what’s happening around you.

Why Self-Regulation?

Imagine you’re at work juggling multiple projects, relationships, and daily responsibilities. Suddenly, a big project goes sideways. If you’re like most people, your instinct is either to panic or blame. Whether you blame yourself or someone else, the impulse is strong. Self-regulation can potentially help you change that. Even if you just take a deep breath, step back, often you will be able to think clearly about your next steps. And chances are you will come across better. Instead of reacting emotionally, you might actually be able to calm down long enough to get something done.

Or maybe you’re stuck in traffic after a long day, and the frustration is building. This is a classic time for self-regulation. Rather than fuming or letting it ruin your mood, or boost your blood pressure, you can shift your internal state by using any number of tools.

Is Self-Regulation Just Being Calm?

No, self-regulation isn’t just about staying calm—though for some, that’s a big part of it! It’s also about managing your reactions in a way that aligns with your goals and values. Staying calm is often just the first step. Once you are calm, self-regulation means finding thoughtful ways to respond. If you suffer from anxiety, then finding tools to help calm your nervous system are key.

Also, there are some people who appear too calm. They might have low energy and be slow to respond, even in situations that require it. For these folks, self-regulation might mean finding tools that actually help energize. This is a common experience if you or a loved one struggles with depression.

It takes skill and practice to respond to any situation, even when emotions are strong. But it’s a worthwhile skill that many of us need!

Self-regulation helps you respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.

Will Self-Regulation Help Me Stop Experiencing Difficult Emotions?

Self-regulation isn’t about ignoring emotions. But if you find yourself always stuck in the same difficult emotions, it can help tip your brain in a new direction. It’s about increasing your capacity to handle ALL emotions without getting overwhelmed. You can learn to handle even difficult emotions in a way that keeps you in control, even when things are challenging. These skills don’t come naturally for most, but they can be learned. Whether it’s work stress, a tricky conversation with your partner, or a frustrating moment with your kids, self-regulation tools give you the skills and ability to handle whatever comes your way.

How We Have Organized This Guide:

We have structured this guide into five different categories of self-regulation tools. They are:

  1. Breathing Tools
  2. Grounding Tools
  3. Cognitive Tools
  4. Physical Regulation Tools
  5. Mindfulness Tools

Though many of the tools suggested span multiple categories, we grouped them under just one. Yoga, for example, is a vast and deep practice that contains both physical regulation tools, breathing tools, grounding and cognitive tools. We see this guide as an overview and introduction to many different tools. Our hope is that you feel inspired to choose a few and explore them more in depth. We recommend that you have at least five of these tools in your personal tool belt. And we hope that you use them regularly. Let’s begin.

self-regulation

1. Breathing Tools

Box Breathing

  • When to use: During moments of stress or anxiety, panic, especially when needing to quickly calm down.
  • How: Breathe in through your nose for a count of four, hold for four, exhale through your mouth for four, and hold again for four. Repeat until you feel calmer.
  • Examples: If feeling overwhelmed at work or before a big presentation. Also helpful if you are about to have a difficult conversation with your spouse or child. Box breathing helps to reset your nervous system.

Diaphragmatic Breathing

  • When to use: Helpful for ongoing stress management or to reduce chronic stress. Can be helpful to reset during high–anxiety phases of life.
  • How: Place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen. Breathe in deeply through your nose, allowing your belly to expand. Exhale slowly through your mouth.
  • Examples: Practicing for 5-10 minutes each morning can improve overall stress response. Don’t expect a dramatic change right away though. This technique often takes practice.

2. Grounding Techniques

Sensing Your Feet

This is both a mindfulness and a grounding technique. It is so simple it can be practiced anywhere.

  • When to Use: Use this exercise when you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or disconnected. It helps you focus on the present moment and regain a sense of stability.
  • How: Stand or sit with your feet flat on the ground. Shoes off is best. Pay attention to the sensation of your feet touching the floor. Notice the pressure, texture, and temperature. Slowly shift your weight from heel to toe and back, staying fully present with the movement. Take as much time as you need. Notice what happens to your breath and the rest of your body when you stay focused on your feet just for two minutes.
  • Examples:
    • Pause during a stressful workday to feel your feet pressing into the ground.
    • Practice when you start to feel overwhelmed by your kids’ behavior.
    • Use it outdoors, feeling the texture of grass or earth beneath your feet for extra connection to nature.

Cold Water Splash

  • When to use: In intense moments of distress, especially with racing thoughts or physical agitation.
  • How: Splash cold water on your face or run your wrists under cold water to stimulate the vagus nerve and promote a calming effect.
  • Examples: Useful before an important conversation if you’re feeling stressed or agitated.
  • Sources: Psychology Today, National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)

3. Cognitive Re-framing

Thought Challenging

  • When to use: When negative or unhelpful thoughts persist.
  • How: Identify the thought, evaluate its accuracy, and replace it with a balanced or realistic perspective.
  • Examples: When self-doubt arises, challenge thoughts like “I’m not good enough” with “I’m learning and improving.”

Gratitude Journaling

  • When to use: As part of a daily routine or during difficult times to foster positivity and mental balance. Our minds tend to have a negativity bias, and tools like this one can counter it.
  • How: Write down three things you’re grateful for each day, with reasons why.
  • Examples: Can be used in the morning to set a positive tone for the day or at night to reflect and relax.

4. Physical Regulation Techniques

Exercise and sleep are obviously an important part of staying regulated. Many people struggle to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep, and you may be one of them. If that’s the case, then many of these tools will help. Often, getting enough exercise during the day is key to a good night’s sleep. Ideally, movement that gets your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes. Just remember to plan to do this at least three hours before bedtime if you have difficulties with sleep.

Dance Therapy

Dance

  • When to Use: Dance works well when you want to release pent-up energy, boost your mood, or reconnect with your body. It helps during moments of emotional overwhelm, frustration, or anxiety. Dance can also help you feel more grounded.
  • How: Dancing combines physical movement with rhythm and music, activating both your body and mind. It regulates emotions by lowering stress hormones, releasing endorphins, and improving focus and body awareness.
  • Examples:
    • Put on your favorite music at home to shake off stress after a long day. Let your body respond to the pulse and rhythm. If you have kids or a partner, invite them to join you. This helps everyone regulate.
    • Join a dance class for more structure or guidance. Dance channels emotions into creative expression. Dancing in groups can also build social connections, combat isolation, and reduce loneliness associated with depression.
    • Use structured dances like ballet or salsa to build discipline and enhance mental focus.

Cold Plunges

      • When to Use: Cold plunges are great when you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or in need of a quick energy boost. They’re especially helpful for resetting your mood or improving focus during a busy day. Done an hour before bedtime, they can also help with sleep.
      • How: A cold plunge involves immersing your body in cold water, typically around 50°F (10°C), for a short time. The cold activates your nervous system, boosts endorphins, and helps regulate your body’s stress response. Fill a bathtub with cold water or use a non-heated pool. Keep your head above water and submerge up to your neck. Try to stay for at least a minute, building up to 3 minutes. DO NOT immediately jump into a sauna or hot water. Allow yourself to warm up gradually.
      • Examples:
        • Take a quick cold plunge in the morning to feel awake and energized, much like coffee.
        • Use a cold plunge after a tough workout to reduce muscle soreness and calm your mind.
        • Jump into cold water after a stressful day to “reset,” regain focus, and relax.

Related Post: When Trauma interferes with self-regulation.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)

    • When to use: When feeling physical tension or stress; effective before sleep or during breaks.
    • How: Tense each muscle group, hold for a few seconds, then relax. Move from toes to head.
    • Examples: Great as part of a bedtime routine to release tension from the day.

Couples Yoga Therapy

Yoga Poses for Stress Relief

    • When to use: Daily for ongoing stress reduction or in stressful moments.
    • How: Focus on energizing poses when you need to let off steam. Poses like warrior 1,2 or 3, Lions pose, plank or a vinyasa flow can be helpful. Then, focus on calming poses like child’s pose, forward fold, or legs up the wall to relax and stretch.
    • Examples: Use a quick forward fold or deep breathing stretch to ground yourself midday. Use Goddess pose to energize yourself before a big meeting.
    • Sources: Yoga Journal, Harvard Health Publishing

5. Mindfulness Techniques

These tools can help with just about anything. Sleepless nights when you lie in bed awake. Chaotic or overwhelming family gatherings. Or when you just finished a highly stressful meeting. These practices can be done any time of day or night. Try right before bed, or even in the middle of the night.

  • Body Scan Meditation
    • When to use: As a daily practice or when needing to relax before sleep.
    • How: Lie down, close your eyes, and focus on each part of your body, scanning from head to toe and relaxing each area.
    • Examples: Helpful as part of a wind-down routine at night.
    • Sources: Greater Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley
  • Mindful Walking
    • When to use: When feeling stuck or overwhelmed; good for grounding or clearing the mind.
    • How: Walk slowly, paying attention to the sensations of your feet touching the ground and the rhythm of your breathing.
    • Examples: Take a 5-minute mindful walk during a break or to reset after intense work.
  • Music and Mindfulness

Self-Regulation for Couples

Many couples that come to see us complain of communication problems. But many don’t realize that good communication is at least in part, a self-regulation issue. Self-regulation helps you respond thoughtfully to your partner rather than impulsively. As mention earlier, it is more than calming yourself down. It’s about acting in ways that are true to the kind of person you want to be, no matter how you feel in the moment. Successful couples know how to give themselves and their partners what they need to get back in balance. Whether that means giving, your partner space to respond thoughtfully and effectively, rather than reacting out of impulse or frustration. Or using one of these tools to regulate yourself. Both are essential to making a relationship work.

Related Post: How to Get the Most Out Of Couples Counseling

Self-Regulation for Parents

Parents especially benefit from self-regulation skills. Imagine you’ve asked your child to do something three times, and they still ignore you. Of course, your going to feel frustrated. But what if, before raising your voice, you told your child you needed to take some time to calm down? And you did it! What if they saw you sit down and take a couple of deep breaths before speaking? Perhaps, then you would be able to try a different approach. Many parents would like their kids and teens to become more regulated, but they forget themselves. The reality is that many kids follow our examples. Self-regulation here doesn’t just help you—of course. It models a healthy response for your child, too. Which is something both of you probably need. Also, it’s important for families to regulate together at times.

Note: this information is provided as education . It is not meant as medical advice nor a substitute for medical advice and evaluation by a qualified health care professional.

Need Help With Your Self-Regulation?

Our  highly trained  Therapist or Can help you put a customized plan together that’s right for you.

Contact our office or…

Book your appointment now.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve people in the following communities: Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com

 

9 Warning Signs That Your Couple Bubble is in Trouble

Counseling for Couples, Uncategorized,

Marriage Therapy

Many couples enter marriage therapy after the marriage has soured. Often, they face any number of issues, from communication to arguments about money, sex or parenting. It can feel hopeless and overwhelming. But the sad truth is a lot of these experiences could have been prevented. Or at least they could have been minimized. If only couples knew how to maintain and care for their couple bubble.

What is a couple bubble?

A “couple bubble” is a concept in relationship psychology that refers to the creation of a safe and secure environment between partners. In this environment, both individuals prioritize each other’s well-being, safety, and emotional security above all else. This involves mutual support, trust, and a commitment to protecting the relationship from external stressors and conflicts.

The term “couple bubble” was coined by Dr. Stan Tatkin, a psychotherapist and author who specializes in attachment theory and its application to adult relationships. He introduced the concept in his book “Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship.”

Why a couple bubble is important

Dr. Tatkin emphasizes that the couple bubble is essential for creating a secure and resilient partnership. Without that level of protection an relationship may not last. Marriages can become vulnerable to both internal and external stressors. I like to think of a couple’s bubble as a kind of shield that protects the couples from harm and danger. Yet, the shield can also become permeable when needed to let in support, resources and information from the outside. The combination of both strength and flexibility are important qualities in marriage.

When a couple bubble is ruptured or missing

Marriages that don’t have a protective couple bubble often suffer from chronic dissatisfaction. Emotional withdrawal, and a slow decline in mutual respect and affection becomes the norm. The relationship becomes vulnerable to external pressures and internal conflicts. Overtime, this ultimately lead to a breakdown in the marriage. At this stage, divorce or separation can easily appear to be the only viable option. As always, prevention is always the best medicine. So, let’s look at some of those warning signs together.

We’ll use two different fictional couples to demonstrate how this can play out. Alec and Gary are a same-sex couple that have been living together for ten years and married for eight. Felix and Nadine are a heterosexual couple who have been together for 15years, married for 14years and have two small kids. Let’s look at their different challenges through the lens of the couple bubble. These are challenges that many couples face before they enter marriage therapy or premarital counseling. 

related post: The Couple Bubble: A complete Guide.

1. Shaky communication has become the norm in your marriage.

In Alec and Gary’s marriage, Alec frequently assumes Gary knows when he’s upset about something at work. But Gary has no idea when Alec is stressed out. For one, Alec tends to have a still face, that hides emotions. Also, neither Gary nor Alec express their feelings verbally. So, often Gary misinterprets Alec’s silence as disinterest, leading to frustration and resentment on both sides.

Similarly, in Felix and Nadine’s marriage, Felix assumes Nadine knows when he’s upset about work. Nadine assumes Feli’x knows when she’s upset about the kid’s behavior and needs help. But both Nadine and Felix remains unaware of what the other is truly feeling. This is partly because neither is a good communicator. Nadine often misinterprets Felix’s withdrawn behavior as a disinterest in her and the kids. Felix’s assumes the Nadine has the kids handled, since she never expresses her feelings or asks for help. Misunderstandings and misinterpretations ensue. Over time, mounting and unresolved issues build to a crescendo, leaving resentment and emotional distance in their wake.

2. The marriage takes a backseat to everything else.

Felix consistently prioritizes his work as a sales manager over spending time with Nadine. Nadine, on the other hand, focuses on the kids’ school, extracurricular activities over time with Felix.  Over time, Nadine starts to feel resentful, and like a single parent. While Felix feels unimportant and undervalued. The increased stress and isolation causes them both to cope in the way they know how: by focusing outside the marriage. Felix works even later at work. Nadine complains to her girlfriends about her marriage.

Let’s look at our other couple Alec and Gary, who face similar problems. Alec consistently prioritizes his work as a graphic designer over spending time with Gary. While Gary often chooses to hang out with friends instead of planning time with Alec. Eventually, Alec feels unimportant and lonely. He accuses Gary of cheating on him with one of their friends. Gary feels indignant by the accusation. He feels undervalued and underappreciated. Overtime, he does start to develop feelings for someone else.

But by the time they enter marriage therapy, the damage has been done. It takes a lot of healing and hard conversations before they begin to put their marriage back on the front seat again.

3. Your marriage lacks boundaries.

Gary’s best friend frequently drops by unannounced and often stays for dinner without checking with Alec first. Neither Alec nor Gary sets boundaries to protect their relationship from these disruptions. This leads inevitably to conflicts and a sense that their relationship is not private or respected. Alec starts to feel jealous and angry that he is no longer the primary person in Gary’s life. Gary feels frustrated that Alec never says no to work demands. He feels vindicated in spending time with friends since Alec is always at work and often appears distracted when he’s at home.

As for Felix and Nadine, they are not any better when it comes to boundaries. Nadine’s parents frequently drop by unannounced, to help with the kids. Often they give Nadine advice about her troubled marriage. Nadine shares her marital issues openly with her parents without checking with Felix. Felix is often painted in a bad light. Meanwhile, Felix, feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. He looks for attention elsewhere. He works overtime to hit higher sales numbers. When an opportunity to travel for work comes up, he accepts it without checking with Nadine first. Also, he has begun flirting with a coworker, and travels with hers often, which enrages Nadine.

One of the goals of marriage therapy, is to help couples begin to build healthy boundaries. This is both an inside job and outside job. Meaning that you need boundaries for yourself, but your relationship also needs boundaries to protect it from the outside world.

4. Genuine appreciation is absent.

Often times couples enter marriage therapy feeling unappreciated. For examples, Alec rarely expresses gratitude for Gary’s efforts in keeping the house clean. Even though Gary is naturally a bit of a slob. His efforts to curb his own behavior for Alec’s sake, go unnoticed. Gary also doesn’t acknowledge Alec’s hard work in supporting them both financially. Neither  Over time, both Alec and Gary feel taken for granted and unappreciated. When couples withhold appreciation, often one or both people feel taken for granted. A lack of appreciation in one person often causes the other to follow suit. The couple then becomes gridlocked. Both are waiting for the other person to appreciate them, while withholding appreciation themselves. A couples therapist or marriage therapist can help change this dynamic.

5. Your marriage shows signs of both physical and emotional distance.

In Felix and Nadine’s marriage, physical affection has completely disappeared. They no longer cuddle on the couch or share spontaneous kisses. There are no hugs. Neither holds hands when they walk together. Touch is a powerful balm and healer. It helps cement and also depend connection. But when it’s low or absent the opposite is also true. Weak emotional and physical connections tend to go hand in hand. Untimely, this leads to both people feeling lonely even when together. That’s when a marriage therapist can help. Through the process marriage therapy. both people learn to repair the distance. They learn how to replace it with closeness over time. Both physical and emotional connection can be restored.

6. Support is low or completely missing.

When Alec is stressed about a tight deadline, Gary’s response is indifferent. He fails to recognize that Alec needs support, and so does not offer it. Similarly, when Gary feels overwhelmed by the care-taking of his aging parents, Alec dismisses his feelings and offers no help. This leads to feelings of abandonment and resentment, weakening the emotional bond.

Likewise, when Felix is stressed about a big sales pitch, Nadine becomes irritated. Rather than offering to help him practice or be a sounding board, she adds to the stress by getting angry. When Nadine talks about she feels overwhelmed by managing the kids’ schedules, Felix dismisses her feelings. Instead, he attempts to offer simple solutions to the problem that don’t involve him. He then goes back to work, leaving Nadine to feel abandoned and resentful. The cycle of low support, then  continues until they enter marriage therapy.

7. You don’t make quality time for your marriage.

Alec and Gary spend most of their free time on individual activities or with other people, rarely planning activities together. Alec immerses himself in video games, while Gary spends hours at the gym or with friends. This reduces opportunities for bonding and shared experiences, leading to emotional drifting apart. Similarly, Felix and Nadine spend most of their free time on individual activities or with the kids. Felix immerses himself in watching sports, while Nadine spends hours helping the kids with their homework and projects. This leads to similar emotional drifting apart. By starting marriage therapy, you begin to shift this aspect, simply by making time weekly to focus on your marriage.

8. Destructive fighting is the norm.

Before they entered marriage therapy, Alec and Gary’s arguments escalated quickly. Alec often used hurtful words and Gary blamed Alec for starting the problem in the first place. Conflicts remain unresolved, creating ongoing tension and bitterness.

Similarly, in Felix and Nadine’s relationship, arguments escalate quickly, with Felix using hurtful words and Nadine blaming Felix for their problems. Conflicts remain unresolved, creating similar ongoing tension and bitterness.

9. One or both partners hold grudges.

When a couple enters marriage therapy. it’s not unusual for there to be resentment. Resentment over time can turn into a grudge. For examples, Alec often brings up Gary’s past mistakes during arguments. He criticizes Gary for drinking to much and not picking up after himself. Gary refuses to forgive Alec for a previous nasty comments Alec made during  an argument.  The ongoing negativity fuels further grudges and prevents healing. Neither Alec nor Gary can move forward, at they are both maintain the stale mate.

Let’s look at Nadine and Felix’s marriage now. In order to move forward in their marriage. Felix would need to decide to stop criticizing Nadine’s parenting. He would need to stop bringing up her perceived flaws during arguments and in front of the kids. Although he has apologized, Nadine refuses to forgive Felix for his insensitivity. She holds her own judgements towards him. Both refuse to accept an apology from the other because they both feel  the other wronged them, and that they  alone are “in the right”.

marriage therapy

Looking for a good couples therapist or marriage therapist?

Marriage therapy does not have to be painful. And you don’t have to wait until your couple bubble has burst to ask for help. Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who can help turn your relationship around.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the both Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County. This includes the following communities: Maplewood, Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri

The Sexless Marriage: One Couple’s Story

Counseling for Couples, , ,

Sexless Marriage

Jada and Pat had come to me because of a sexless marriage. Jada sat on one end of the couch, her arms folded tightly across her chest, her eyes fixed on a distant point on the wall. Pat sat on the other end, his shoulders slumped, his gaze cast downward. The counseling room was dimly lit, creating a sense of intimacy that contrasted with the obvious distance between them.

Pat and Jada ( not their real names)  were an attractive couple in their 50’s who had been married for more than 20 years and have two grown kids. From the outside they had all the obvious trappings of success. They had developed careers that were both personally and financially rewarding. Together they had bought and renovated a beautiful home, and successfully raised two healthy and thriving kids. Yet, beneath the veneer of success lurked another story.

Shadows of Discontent

Jada, with her poised demeanor and impeccable style, appeared to commanded respect even in the therapy room. As a respected figure in the business community, she had gained admiration from colleagues from a combination of grace and confidence. Her vibrant smile and friendly demeanor masked the inner turmoil she faced, behind closed doors.

Pat, too, appeared outwardly successful in his endeavors. With his easy charm and affable personality, he navigated social gatherings with ease, effortlessly engaging in conversations with friends and acquaintances. As a dedicated father and provider, he took pride in his role within the family, his unwavering commitment to their well-being evident in his every action. Yet, beneath his jovial exterior lay a sense of frustration and longing, just beneath the surface.

Despite their outward appearance of success, the cracks in their marriage remained, hidden from view but clear once they were both behind closed doors. After getting to know them a little bit, the conversation eventually turned to the reason for their visit: a sexless marriage.

Resignation and Resentment

Jada’s lips tightened when I brought up the topic. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat before speaking. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “It’s difficult for me to talk about that part of my life… I just don’t feel like myself anymore…” Her voice trailed off for a moment and then returned. “it’s like something inside me shut down. I have no desire” “ I know it would make Pat happy, but I can’t manufacture something that’s not that. The fact that he wants it so badly only makes me feel worse.” “I know he’s not trying to pressure me, but I do feel pressured”

Pat’s brows furrowed, his frustration evident. “She thinks it’s just about the physical aspect; but it’s not. I miss that connection we used to have. it’s about feeling close to Jada. And when she shuts me down like this, it hurts.” Pat sighed heavily, his voice tinged with resignation. “I feel like I’m not enough for her, like I’m failing as a husband. And after so many rejections, I just stopped trying.”Jada’s eyes brimmed with tears, and she shook her head.

The Couples Dance: The 5 communication patterns the Keep you and your partner stuck

The Many Reasons Sex Can Disappear from marriage

Let’s talk about sex pain for a minute. Painful sex, if left unresolved can lead to emotional, physical, and relational damage if left untreated.

sexless marriage

Dealing with Physical Barriers to Sex

Let’s talk about sex pain for a minute. Painful sex, if left unresolved can lead to emotional, physical, and relational damage over time. It then becomes a complex bundle of issues. Both Jada and pat had some physical challenges to deal with. For Jada, she needed to confront the physical, mental and emotional changes that went along with menopause, starting with decreased desire. Pat had some physical issues of his own. A life-saving medical procedure of his prostate, had left him with slight nerve damage. In his recovery, he worried about his sexual performance. Even if Jada’s desire did return, would he still be able to pleasure her?

After a combination of couples therapy, as well as consultations with medical professionals, both Jada and Pat were able to work through these physical issues. Until finally, the emotional and relational issues were all that remained.

Working through Relational Road Blocks that lead to a Sexless Marriage

“I didn’t know how to put it into words.” Jada said cautiously, but there is a part of me that still is hesitant to open up to Pat. It’s like I’m afraid to be vulnerable.” “ Things have definitely gotten better between us, but it’s still hard to trust it” Pat reached out tentatively, his hand finding hers on the couch. He spoke with a growing certainty in his voice. “Jada, I love you, and I’m here for you, no matter what. We’re in this together.” Jada’s lips quivered, but also she looked relieved. She squeezed his hand lightly. “I love you too, Pat.” She appeared as though stepping cautiously onto ice. “ I want us to find our way back to each other.”

The biggest Myth of the Sexless Marriage

One of the biggest myths of marriage is that loss of a sex life is inevitable. This is just not true. Many couples have a rewarding sex life, even later in life. You don’t have to accept sexlessness as a normal stage of life. This is even true of couples in midlife who have been together for decades, and have weathered a lot of stressors together. Change is always possible, especially if both partner’s want the transformation. Good sex is not just a thing belong to youth, or only possible at the early stages of a relationship. Actually, it is possible to rekindle desire in marriage at any stage of life. And it is also possible to have the best sex of your life at midlife or even later.

Gently Expanding Capacity for Pleasure

Over time, Jada and Pat’s relationship began to take a different shape. After working though relational road blocks they had learned to become safely embodied again. Instead of their usual habit of retreating into their individual spheres for safety, Jada and Pat made a conscious effort to prioritize their relationship. They carved out time for romantic dates and intimacy. Their growing communication and intimacy skills allowed them to continue to both expand and deepen their connection. Plus, they knew how to monitor each other’s stress levels and shift gears when needed. They took fun, safe, risks together while maintaining their enjoyment of each other. When hard stuff arose, they were able to work through it quickly, directly and skillfully. In short, they were building both the skills and capacity for pleasure and long-lasting intimacy.

Marriage Counseling

What’s Possible for Sex in Marriage

After weeks an months of practice, Pat and Jada showed up in my office markedly different. Gone were the complaints of a sexless marriage. Instead, there was a lightness in the air, and casualness about them that made them appear younger than their years. Their interactions seemed genuine and even flirtatious. In my office, they both appeared to glow a little. Gone were the tense silences or angry outbursts. Instead, their was a depth to their conversation, followed by moments of playful banter. They appeared almost to as different people. But of course they weren’t.

After recounting a fabulous dinner together, followed by steamy sex Jada laid back in her chair, then straightened a bit.

“ I don’t know if I want to stay married” she declared to Pat, a clear hint of flirtation in her voice. “ Can we just keep on dating each other?”. A moment of fear flashed across Pat’s face, and then relaxation. He reached out caressed her arm gently.

“How about we stay married AND continue to date each other?” Jada thought about this then laughed playfully.

“Sounds good to me!”

Are you Struggling with a Sexless Marriage?

A sex-positive marriage therapist can help.

Contact our office and get  connected with an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists. Whether you are a new couple thinking about marriage or a mature couple with tons of experience behind you, we’ve got you covered. We will help coach you and your partner toward a better relationship.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the following communities:  Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri