Tag Archives: Desire Discrepancy

The Sexless Marriage: One Couple’s Story

Sexless Marriage

Jada and Pat had come to me because of a sexless marriage. Jada sat on one end of the couch, her arms folded tightly across her chest, her eyes fixed on a distant point on the wall. Pat sat on the other end, his shoulders slumped, his gaze cast downward. The counseling room was dimly lit, creating a sense of intimacy that contrasted with the obvious distance between them.

Pat and Jada ( not their real names)  were an attractive couple in their 50’s who had been married for more than 20 years and have two grown kids. From the outside they had all the obvious trappings of success. They had developed careers that were both personally and financially rewarding. Together they had bought and renovated a beautiful home, and successfully raised two healthy and thriving kids. Yet, beneath the veneer of success lurked another story.

Shadows of Discontent

Jada, with her poised demeanor and impeccable style, appeared to commanded respect even in the therapy room. As a respected figure in the business community, she had gained admiration from colleagues from a combination of grace and confidence. Her vibrant smile and friendly demeanor masked the inner turmoil she faced, behind closed doors.

Pat, too, appeared outwardly successful in his endeavors. With his easy charm and affable personality, he navigated social gatherings with ease, effortlessly engaging in conversations with friends and acquaintances. As a dedicated father and provider, he took pride in his role within the family, his unwavering commitment to their well-being evident in his every action. Yet, beneath his jovial exterior lay a sense of frustration and longing, just beneath the surface.

Despite their outward appearance of success, the cracks in their marriage remained, hidden from view but clear once they were both behind closed doors. After getting to know them a little bit, the conversation eventually turned to the reason for their visit: a sexless marriage.

Resignation and Resentment

Jada’s lips tightened when I brought up the topic. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat before speaking. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “It’s difficult for me to talk about that part of my life… I just don’t feel like myself anymore…” Her voice trailed off for a moment and then returned. “it’s like something inside me shut down. I have no desire” “ I know it would make Pat happy, but I can’t manufacture something that’s not that. The fact that he wants it so badly only makes me feel worse.” “I know he’s not trying to pressure me, but I do feel pressured”

Pat’s brows furrowed, his frustration evident. “She thinks it’s just about the physical aspect; but it’s not. I miss that connection we used to have. it’s about feeling close to Jada. And when she shuts me down like this, it hurts.” Pat sighed heavily, his voice tinged with resignation. “I feel like I’m not enough for her, like I’m failing as a husband. And after so many rejections, I just stopped trying.”Jada’s eyes brimmed with tears, and she shook her head.

The Couples Dance: The 5 communication patterns the Keep you and your partner stuck

The Many Reasons Sex Can Disappear from marriage

Let’s talk about sex pain for a minute. Painful sex, if left unresolved can lead to emotional, physical, and relational damage if left untreated.

sexless marriage

Dealing with Physical Barriers to Sex

Let’s talk about sex pain for a minute. Painful sex, if left unresolved can lead to emotional, physical, and relational damage over time. It then becomes a complex bundle of issues. Both Jada and pat had some physical challenges to deal with. For Jada, she needed to confront the physical, mental and emotional changes that went along with menopause, starting with decreased desire. Pat had some physical issues of his own. A life-saving medical procedure of his prostate, had left him with slight nerve damage. In his recovery, he worried about his sexual performance. Even if Jada’s desire did return, would he still be able to pleasure her?

After a combination of couples therapy, as well as consultations with medical professionals, both Jada and Pat were able to work through these physical issues. Until finally, the emotional and relational issues were all that remained.

Working through Relational Road Blocks that lead to a Sexless Marriage

“I didn’t know how to put it into words.” Jada said cautiously, but there is a part of me that still is hesitant to open up to Pat. It’s like I’m afraid to be vulnerable.” “ Things have definitely gotten better between us, but it’s still hard to trust it” Pat reached out tentatively, his hand finding hers on the couch. He spoke with a growing certainty in his voice. “Jada, I love you, and I’m here for you, no matter what. We’re in this together.” Jada’s lips quivered, but also she looked relieved. She squeezed his hand lightly. “I love you too, Pat.” She appeared as though stepping cautiously onto ice. “ I want us to find our way back to each other.”

The biggest Myth of the Sexless Marriage

One of the biggest myths of marriage is that loss of a sex life is inevitable. This is just not true. Many couples have a rewarding sex life, even later in life. You don’t have to accept sexlessness as a normal stage of life. This is even true of couples in midlife who have been together for decades, and have weathered a lot of stressors together. Change is always possible, especially if both partner’s want the transformation. Good sex is not just a thing belong to youth, or only possible at the early stages of a relationship. Actually, it is possible to rekindle desire in marriage at any stage of life. And it is also possible to have the best sex of your life at midlife or even later.

Gently Expanding Capacity for Pleasure

Over time, Jada and Pat’s relationship began to take a different shape. After working though relational road blocks they had learned to become safely embodied again. Instead of their usual habit of retreating into their individual spheres for safety, Jada and Pat made a conscious effort to prioritize their relationship. They carved out time for romantic dates and intimacy. Their growing communication and intimacy skills allowed them to continue to both expand and deepen their connection. Plus, they knew how to monitor each other’s stress levels and shift gears when needed. They took fun, safe, risks together while maintaining their enjoyment of each other. When hard stuff arose, they were able to work through it quickly, directly and skillfully. In short, they were building both the skills and capacity for pleasure and long-lasting intimacy.

Marriage Counseling

What’s Possible for Sex in Marriage

After weeks an months of practice, Pat and Jada showed up in my office markedly different. Gone were the complaints of a sexless marriage. Instead, there was a lightness in the air, and casualness about them that made them appear younger than their years. Their interactions seemed genuine and even flirtatious. In my office, they both appeared to glow a little. Gone were the tense silences or angry outbursts. Instead, their was a depth to their conversation, followed by moments of playful banter. They appeared almost to as different people. But of course they weren’t.

After recounting a fabulous dinner together, followed by steamy sex Jada laid back in her chair, then straightened a bit.

“ I don’t know if I want to stay married” she declared to Pat, a clear hint of flirtation in her voice. “ Can we just keep on dating each other?”. A moment of fear flashed across Pat’s face, and then relaxation. He reached out caressed her arm gently.

“How about we stay married AND continue to date each other?” Jada thought about this then laughed playfully.

“Sounds good to me!”

Are you Struggling with a Sexless Marriage?

A sex-positive marriage therapist can help.

Contact our office and get  connected with an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists. Whether you are a new couple thinking about marriage or a mature couple with tons of experience behind you, we’ve got you covered. We will help coach you and your partner toward a better relationship.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the following communities:  Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri