“If that’s what you think, than I’m done with this marriage!” Joan shot one hand into the air as though giving a warning shot. She took a step towards the door and then paused. As soon as the words escaped her mouth she instantly regretted them.But she couldn’t take them back. The words flew out before she had actually registered completely. There was a part of her that hoped that Jerome would not take the words seriously. That he would continued to fight for the marriage as he had at the beginning of their relationship. But that’s not what happened.

“Fine. I can’t believe I wasted 25 years of my life” His words were sharp but his tone steady. As though he had been secretly waiting for this movement.

Two weeks went by before they showed up in my office. By then their tone with each other had changed. They were soft spoken and full of remorse. But the air around them was thick with tension.

The Two kinds of Couples Fights

All couples fight. I’m not talking about chronic physical fights that are part of domestic violence. Rather, the verbal and emotional fights that are part of life together as a couple. That can range anywhere from quiet disagreements and misunderstandings to escalating arguments that lead to yelling matches and even threats. Fighting is a normal part of any intimate, long-term relationship. But there is a difference between fights that lead to lasting damage in a marriage vs ones that ultimately make you both stronger.

In a way, you could say there are just these two kinds of fights. You could thing of them as forks in the road of a train track. If your marriage is a train, it can either take the Lasting Damage Track or the Strong Repair Track. One leads to a weakness and the ultimate demise of the marriage, and the other has the potential to make the marriage stronger.

The Damage Track & Gridlock

It was clear that Joan and Jerome were on the lasting damage track of their marriage. Jerome sat back in his chair, his arms crossed—a clear shield. While Joan sat lightly at the edge of her seat, as though suspended from a hanger. Her hands circled nervously around each other. She appeared ready to bolt at any moment.

Despite the obvious tension between they both appeared helpless as to what to do about it. Neither was able to make eye contact, except with me as their couple’s therapist. Their faces appeared weighed down by the enormity of what they knew they were here to unpack. No one wanted to make the first move.

This is marital gridlock. And it’s one of the features of the damage track. I suspected Jerome and Joan had been on this track for awhile.

Couple Fighting — Fights with your partner don’t have to get this bad

The Context of a Big, Ugly Fight

Fighting doesn’t occur in a vacuum. There is always a context. After some initial unpacking, the context of the damage to their marriage became clear. Jerome had been in a bad mood for months due to the stresses and increased demands of a new job. When under stress he tends to withdrawal. He spent long hours at the office trying to get up to speed. This was followed by increased time at the gym to try to combat the stresses.

Stress & Denial

“I told myself it was all just temporary” he said. Then six months went by. Then, nine months. Before he knew it anxiety, stress and overwhelm had taken over his life. He was never home and felt guilty. But when he was home, he also felt he was letting people at work down. Depression started to set in.

Joan, on the other hand, felt more stable, at least at first . Initially, she was understanding and accommodating to Jerome’s absence. She stepped up more at home without complaint. She took on the mother-load of parenting their two kids. But after a while resentment started to build. “How long exactly was this going to go on?” She thought. Also, she felt unappreciated by Jerome. Underneath she was lonely.

Buried Feelings & Criticism

She missed Jerome and was tired of feeling like a single parent. But she didn’t say any of this to him for fear of stressing him out more. Under stress Joan alternates between withdrawal and criticism. The criticisms of Jerome were subtle at first, and slowly built to a crescendo. Eventually, she couldn’t hold back any longer. There was so much stored resentment over the months and years that it all came flooding out. Suddenly, the “D” word was on the table. Divorce was not what either of them wanted. Yet, somehow it had come to this.

Poor Communication

Looking back, neither of them had talked about the new job and it’s potential impact on their marriage and on their lives. No one discussed feelings and expectations about the multiple roles they shared together. And nothing was negotiated in advance. In fact, it was apparent they didn’t talk much at all. Except about the most trivial things: their favorite show, whose turn it was to take out the trash or pick up the kids.

Had they sat down and communicated these things with each other it might have been different. If they had communicated openly, while staying present and emotionally vulnerable, they might have prevented a fight in the first place. Or at least the damaging kind.

Lesson 1: Open Communication + Vulnerability = Damage Prevention

Both Joan and Jerome felt injured by the things said just two weeks before. And both had regrets. Yet, they had not been ready to admit them, until now. Once the air had cleared between them a bit, it was time. Joan elected to go first. We went over the elements of a good repair. If took some practice but she eventually got it.

“I know I said some things that were hurtful to you … things I wish I could take back now”. her hands continued to turn over and over again in her lap as she spoke. Jerome kept his eyes on particular spot on the rug. He nodded gently in acknowledgement.

Lesson 2: For a stronger bond, learn the art of repair

One of the reasons so many of their fights had continued to escalate and gone off the rails, is that they had never repaired the previous one. Many couples are unsuccessful at resolving conflict because they don’t know the elements of a good repair or how to put them into practice. without that knowledge, the cycle inevitably continues.

Lesson 3: The need to be right can kill a marriage

Part of the problem is that both Jerome and Joan wanted to be right. They wanted to defend their position and convince the other that they were in the wrong. This usually falls flat of course, and just leads to more fighting. Terry Real, a well-known couples therapist, is often credited with saying, “You can be right or you can be married, what’s more important to you?”

If the relationship is most important than one person needs to decide to let go of the need to be right. This is often easier said than done. But once couples figure it out, it becomes a key element in making a good repair and upending the fight cycle.

Want more Tips on How to Fight Right? Hoping to end the Same old endless Argument ?

Plus, we’ll send you Part 2 of the story of Jerome & Joan and lessons they learned after 16weeks of therapy

Ready to Schedule a Couple’s Therapy or Marriage Therapy appointment?

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who can help transform your fights into deeper connection.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the surrounding areas. This includes : Richmond Heights, Clayton, Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Maplewood, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding city areas.

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We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Richmond Heights as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri

What is a couples bubble?

A “couple bubble” is a concept in relationship psychology that refers to the creation of a safe and secure environment between partners. In this environment, both individuals prioritize each other’s well-being, safety, and emotional security above all else. This involves mutual support, trust, and a commitment to protecting the relationship from external stressors and conflicts.

The term “couple bubble” was coined by Dr. Stan Tatkin, a psychotherapist and author who specializes in attachment theory and its application to adult relationships. He introduced the concept in his book “Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship.”

Why a couple bubble is important to your marriage

Dr. Tatkin emphasizes that the couple bubble is essential for creating a secure and resilient partnership. Without that level of protection an relationship may not last. Marriages can become vulnerable to both internal and external stressors. I like to think of a Couples Bubble as a kind of shield that protects the couples from harm and danger. Yet, the shield can also become permeable when needed to let in support, resources and information from the outside. The combination of both strength and flexibility are important qualities in marriage.

A marriage with a strong couples bubble (with specific examples)

To help understand how the concept of the couples bubble gets put into practice, let’s look at some examples. We will look at a fictional couple called Krya and Sam. Although they are fictional this couple illustrates how real couples can and do protect their marriage. how Kyra and Sam can protect their couple bubble, ensuring a secure, trusting, and intimate relationship.

10 signs that your couple bubble is strong:

1. Regular, open communication is the norm in your marriage

Kyra and Sam set aside 15 minutes every evening to talk about their day and share their feelings. When Kyra feels stressed about work, she tells Sam, and he listens attentively without interrupting. When Sam feels frustrated with a colleague he tells Kyra about it. This routine helps them maintain understanding and trust, ensuring they are aware of each other’s emotional state and needs. These kinds of open, honest and transparent communication are not always easy. Nor, do they come naturally to most couples. But the good news is that great communication can be learned. This is true whether you are a new couple or have been married for decades. With a little practice, courage and vulnerability

2. You prioritize each other

When Sam is offered a job that requires frequent travel, he discusses it with Kyra before making a decision, considering how it will affect their relationship. They decide together that he will take the job but limit travel to once a month. By making decisions together, they demonstrate that their relationship is a priority. This practice also sends the clear message that they value each other’s needs and input. When Kyra is asked to join an after hours work committee, she reflects on the impact on the marriage and checks it out with Sam.

3. You are both good at setting boundaries

Kyra’s mother frequently drops by unannounced. In the past this was a source of stress for the couple. But Kyra and Sam agreed on specific visiting hours and Kyra communicated this boundary to her mom. With a little practice and reinforcement on their part, it is no longer an issue. They also establish that Sundays are their private time, free from family visits. Setting boundaries protects their intimacy and ensures that external influences do not disrupt their relationship.

4. You and your partner express appreciation daily

Sam regularly thanks Kyra for her support and efforts. Whether it’s working hard to provide for their family or organizing their finances. Kyra often tells Sam how much she appreciates his humor and the little things he does around the house. He also happens to be an excellent chef and she praises his creations regularly. Sam publicly brags about Kyra’s “fun”personality and courage to his friends and coworkers. These regular expressions of gratitude reinforce positive feelings and support, making both partners feel valued.

5. Your marriage is characterized by physical affection

Kyra and Sam make it a point to hug each other every morning before leaving for work and cuddle on the couch while watching TV in the evenings. Regular physical touch strengthens their emotional bond and helps maintain a sense of closeness. Both Sam and Kyra touch, kiss and embrace each other regularly. Although scheduling sex is not something that works for all couples, it works for them. Physical affection tends to come easily in the early stages of a relationship, but requires concerted effort the longer a couple has been together.

6. Your marriage is supportive

When Kyra is overwhelmed with a project deadline, Sam takes over some of her household chores and offers words of encouragement. When Sam is dealing with a difficult situation with his dad, Kyra listens and offers emotional support. If one partner is ill or has low energy, the other often picks up the slack without complaint or the need for an immediate pay back. When both Kyra and Stan are struggling and/or their kids are struggling they are able to talk it out and come up with a plan together. By offering support during stressful times, they demonstrate to themselves and each other their commitment. Their bond gets reinforced and strengthened with each of these experiences.

7. You spend quality time together

Kyra and Sam schedule a date night every Friday where they try a new restaurant or engage in a fun activity like bowling. They also enjoy cooking dinner together on weekends. Sam likes to surprise Kyra with new experience. Last month he scheduled a cooking class together. Another time they enjoyed taking sailing lessons. Spending quality time together helps them reconnect and creates shared experiences that strengthen their relationship.

8. You fight well together

When Kyra and Sam have a disagreement, they resolve conflicts constructively. They avoid shouting and name-calling. Instead, they sit down and calmly discuss their perspectives, seeking to understand each other. Neither stops until both feel heard. When possible, they work to find a solution that works for both. This kind of constructive conflict resolution strengths their couples bubble. It also prevents resentment and maintains harmony in their relationship.

9. You practice forgiveness in your marriage

When Sam forgets their anniversary, Kyra is hurt but decides to talk about her feelings instead of holding a grudge. Sam apologizes sincerely, and Kyra forgives him, acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes. Practicing forgiveness helps them move past hurt feelings. It also helps repair old wounds and prevent possible trauma. Forgiveness makes the relationship stronger and resilient.

10. Your marriage has specific supportive rituals in place

Kyra and Sam have a tradition of having breakfast in bed every Sunday morning. Because of his work schedule, Sam often arrives home before Kyra. So when Kyra comes home, she makes a point of seeking Sam out, hugging and kissing him as a way of greeting him. They also celebrate their wedding anniversary by revisiting the place where they first met. These shared rituals and traditions provide a sense of stability and continuity, that reinforces their bond and creates cherished memories.

Looking for a good couples therapist or marriage therapist?

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who can help turn your relationship around.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the both Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County. This includes the following communities: Maplewood, Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.