What the Top Four Couples Therapy Approaches Reveal About Your Relationship

All couples eventually need to step back and look at the big picture of their marriage. This is especially important if you are thinking about getting married, but it is true at every stage. Everyone enters marriage expecting to gain something meaningful from it. Yet in my experience working with many couples, I’ve often noticed some couples thrive more than others.

Many factors contribute to a successful,  happy marriage, but the most fulfilling ones often share a sense of purpose. Couples often come to me asking for a particular therapy approach, which makes me curious. Is there one approach that out shines the others when it comes to creating a purpose centered marriage? Or are they all in fact similar?

I decided to investigate and share with you what I have found. To simplify, I have narrowed down the many couples therapy schools into just four. These represent the top four I’ve noticed are most popular among both therapists and couples: Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), The Gottman Approach, and Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Let’s look at each and explore where they stand when it comes to a marriage’s vision, mission and purpose.

Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) 

According to the PACT framework, understanding the nuances between shared purpose, mission, and vision is crucial for building a secure-functioning relationship. PACT is all about creating secure-functioning in couples. Others might call it earned secure attachment, which is a fancy way of saying that if you were taught from a young age how to do relationships in an unhealthy way, it’s never too late to change. Secure functioning is the result of having learned a healthier way of relating.

PACT is a favorite method of ours at Dance of Change Counseling because it blends well edwith the somatic therapy approaches that we use. In PACT, the therapist tracks moment-to-moment shifts in the face, body, and voice of both partners. Therapists help partners learn to be more attuned and respond to these subtle shifts in each other. This makes communication not only easier, but more effective. Because PACT is very concrete in its approach, it is also effective with Neurodiverse Couples.

While PACT uses terms like purpose, mission, and vision interchangeably, they represent distinct aspects of your shared life.

A shared purpose addresses the fundamental “why” behind the relationship. It’s the core reason you as a couple have chosen to be together. This might involve shared values, a desire for companionship, or a commitment to mutual growth and support. It’s the bedrock upon which the relationship is built, answering questions like “Why are we doing this together?” That purpose could be having kids, traveling, or making the world a better place.

The mission of a couple is the “what” they aim to achieve together. It translates the broader purpose into specific, actionable goals. Your mission could be to raise children with certain values, to create a loving and supportive home, or to pursue shared passions and projects. The mission provides direction and focus, outlining you as your collective endeavors.

Finally, the vision is the “where” you as a couple sees themselves in the future. It’s the aspirational image of their ideal life together, encompassing their hopes, dreams, and long-term goals. A shared vision might involve traveling the world, building a thriving business, or creating a legacy. The vision provides inspiration and motivation, guiding you as a couple toward their desired future.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the focus is primarily on the emotional bond and attachment needs within your relationship. While EFT doesn’t explicitly use the terms “purpose,” “mission,” and “vision” in the same way as PACT, these concepts are inherently addressed through the lens of attachment. In EFT, your shared purpose is often understood as the desire for a secure and loving bond, where each partner feels safe, understood, and valued. The mission, then becomes the process of creating and maintaining this secure attachment. This involves identifying and addressing negative interaction cycles, accessing underlying emotions, and fostering vulnerability and responsiveness. The vision in EFT is a future where you as a couple experiences a strong, resilient emotional connection, capable of weathering life’s challenges together. This vision is built upon the foundation of secure attachment, where partners can turn to each other for comfort, support, and reassurance.

The Differences Between PACT and EFT

EFT differs from PACT in its primary focus. PACT emphasizes the neurobiological and developmental aspects of relationships, focusing on mutual regulation, security, and fairness. It actively guides couples in creating a shared vision, mission, and purpose, often involving explicit agreements and principles.

EFT, on the other hand, is more focused on emotional processing and attachment needs. It aims to help couples identify and express their core emotions, understand their attachment patterns, and create a more secure emotional bond. While PACT emphasizes the “what” and “how” of building a secure relationship, EFT focuses more on the “why” and the emotional underpinnings of the relationship dynamic.

Both approaches ultimately aim for a strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationship by  taking different pathways to get there.

Gottman’s Approach to Couples Therapy

John Gottman’s approach to couples therapy focuses on building a “Sound Relationship House.” Gottman uses the house often as a metaphor for a strong and lasting partnership. While Gottman doesn’t explicitly outline “purpose, mission, and vision” in the same way as PACT, these elements are woven into the framework.

In other models, you may be asked to define your purpose as a couple. In Gottman’s model, your shared purpose will be given to you. Gottman defines purpose as the desire to create a meaningful and fulfilling life together, built on friendship, trust, and commitment. Your mission as a couple will also be handed to you.

According to Gottman, the mission of every marriage is to actively cultivate the “Sound Relationship House.” This includes building love maps (knowing each other’s inner world), fostering fondness and admiration. It also means turning towards each other for connection and managing conflict constructively. You will be asked to help each other make life dreams come true and create shared meaning together.

The vision in Gottman’s approach is a future where you as a couple have a rich and rewarding life together, marked by deep connection, mutual respect, and a shared sense of purpose. This vision is achieved by consistently practicing the skills and principles of the Sound Relationship House.

How Gottman’s Approach Differs from Other Methods

Gottman’s approach differs from both EFT and PACT in that it has many research-based skills and interventions. While EFT focuses on emotional bonding and attachment needs, and PACT emphasizes the neurobiological and developmental aspects of relationships, Gottman provides a more structured and skills-based approach. Gottman’s method involves assessing couples’ interactions, identifying strengths and weaknesses, and teaching specific tools for communication, conflict management, and building intimacy.

Unlike EFT’s focus on emotional processing, Gottman’s method is more behavioral and directive. And where PACT actively guides couples in creating explicit agreements and principles, Gottman focuses on teaching couples the skills to navigate their relationship dynamics effectively.

Relational Life Therapy (RLT)

Terry Real developed Relational Life Therapy (RLT) which is known as one of the more confrontational approaches. I had the privilege of taking a workshop from Real many years ago and he does not mince words. A natural showman, his face was often animated and he flung his arms around for emphasis. The whole room full of therapists would often bust into laughter. You couldn’t help yourself as his interventions were surprising and cathartic.

RLT is distinguished by its focus on power dynamics and relational maturity. It offers a blend of skill-building, emotional awareness, and direct confrontation of destructive patterns in couples. The emphasis is on moving beyond the individual psychology of you and your partner. The aim is for both of you to understand each other better and address the relational dynamics between you.

RLT focuses on taking apart the patterns that lead to disconnection and power imbalances. Like Gottman’s approach, your shared purpose will be handed to you. It can be seen as the desire to create a relationship characterized by mutuality, equality, and connection. The mission becomes the work of identifying and challenging your “relational blindness” together. This means recognizing patterns of control or withdrawal, and developing skills that help you both act more like grown ups together.

This involves taking personal responsibility for yourself in the relationship. It also means speaking directly and assertively to your partner, which may be a challenge. RLT involves practicing “relational mindfulness” as opposed to a self focused or distracted behavior.  In RLT, your marriage’s mission will be provided for you as well. It’s described as a future where you and your partner can experience a truly intimate and equitable relationship together; a relationship that is free from the destructive patterns of your past.

Your marriage’s vision is achieved by you and your partner committing to personal growth and each taking responsibility for your part in the relational dynamic.

How Does RLT Compare to Other  Approaches?

Like Gottman, RLT emphasizes specific skills and interventions. But unlike Gottman, RLT focuses more on addressing power dynamics and aims to promote relational maturity. Where Gottman focuses on building a “Sound Relationship House” through specific behaviors, RLT focuses on shifting the underlying relational dynamic.

You could say that RLT wants to fundamentally shift the ground your house rests on. Similar to EFT, RLT acknowledges the importance of emotions, but it goes further in addressing how individual emotional patterns play out in the relational system and how power dynamics influence emotional expression.

RLT and PACT share some overlap. Both focus on individual responsibility and personal growth, but PACT emphasizes the neurobiological underpinnings of relationships more strongly. RLT is unique in its direct confrontation of relational patterns and its emphasis on personal responsibility and relational maturity. So, it is not for the faint of heart.

I hope this in-depth comparison has been helpful to you. As you can probably see, while all four approaches aim for a healthy, fulfilling relationship, they address different facets of the relational dynamic. They also use different strategies for change.

Which Approach is Right for You?

At Dance of Change, we believe each relationship is unique; Therefore, we take a customized approach based on your goals and needs as a couple. That often means drawing from multiple couples therapy approaches. Most couples need a combination of skill building, scaffolding, attachment work, and disrupting old patterns. We believe this is what’s most important, rather than pledging loyalty to a particular approach. However, if you and your spouse or partner have a preference, we will of course take that into account.

Regardless of the approach, having a strong mission, shared vision, and purpose is essential. It is the lighthouse that guides the ship of your relationship through dark and treacherous times, leading you both back to safety.

In Need of Couples Therapy?

We’ve got you covered. Our Marriage and Family Therapists are not only trained in many of these approaches, we are also licensed to provide Marriage or Couples Counseling.

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who can help or go to our booking page to request an appointment.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri, and serve couples in both Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County. Give us a call at (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com.