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The Purpose Centered Marriage

Counseling for Couples, ,

What the Top Four Couples Therapy Approaches Reveal About Your Relationship

Couples Therapy

All couples eventually need to step back and look at the big picture of their marriage. This is especially important if you are thinking about getting married, but it is true at every stage. Everyone enters marriage expecting to gain something meaningful from it. Yet in my experience working with many couples, I’ve often noticed some couples thrive more than others.

Many factors contribute to a successful,  happy marriage, but the most fulfilling ones often share a sense of purpose. Couples often come to me asking for a particular therapy approach, which makes me curious. Is there one approach that out shines the others when it comes to creating a purpose centered marriage? Or are they all in fact similar?

I decided to investigate and share with you what I have found. To simplify, I have narrowed down the many couples therapy schools into just four. These represent the top four I’ve noticed are most popular among both therapists and couples: Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), The Gottman Approach, and Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Let’s look at each and explore where they stand when it comes to a marriage’s vision, mission and purpose.

Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) 

According to the PACT framework, understanding the nuances between shared purpose, mission, and vision is crucial for building a secure-functioning relationship. PACT is all about creating secure-functioning in couples. Others might call it earned secure attachment, which is a fancy way of saying that if you were taught from a young age how to do relationships in an unhealthy way, it’s never too late to change. Secure functioning is the result of having learned a healthier way of relating.

PACT is a favorite method of ours at Dance of Change Counseling because it blends well edwith the somatic therapy approaches that we use. In PACT, the therapist tracks moment-to-moment shifts in the face, body, and voice of both partners. Therapists help partners learn to be more attuned and respond to these subtle shifts in each other. This makes communication not only easier, but more effective. Because PACT is very concrete in its approach, it is also effective with Neurodiverse Couples.

While PACT uses terms like purpose, mission, and vision interchangeably, they represent distinct aspects of your shared life.

A shared purpose addresses the fundamental “why” behind the relationship. It’s the core reason you as a couple have chosen to be together. This might involve shared values, a desire for companionship, or a commitment to mutual growth and support. It’s the bedrock upon which the relationship is built, answering questions like “Why are we doing this together?” That purpose could be having kids, traveling, or making the world a better place.

The mission of a couple is the “what” they aim to achieve together. It translates the broader purpose into specific, actionable goals. Your mission could be to raise children with certain values, to create a loving and supportive home, or to pursue shared passions and projects. The mission provides direction and focus, outlining you as your collective endeavors.

Finally, the vision is the “where” you as a couple sees themselves in the future. It’s the aspirational image of their ideal life together, encompassing their hopes, dreams, and long-term goals. A shared vision might involve traveling the world, building a thriving business, or creating a legacy. The vision provides inspiration and motivation, guiding you as a couple toward their desired future.

Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the focus is primarily on the emotional bond and attachment needs within your relationship. While EFT doesn’t explicitly use the terms “purpose,” “mission,” and “vision” in the same way as PACT, these concepts are inherently addressed through the lens of attachment. In EFT, your shared purpose is often understood as the desire for a secure and loving bond, where each partner feels safe, understood, and valued. The mission, then becomes the process of creating and maintaining this secure attachment. This involves identifying and addressing negative interaction cycles, accessing underlying emotions, and fostering vulnerability and responsiveness. The vision in EFT is a future where you as a couple experiences a strong, resilient emotional connection, capable of weathering life’s challenges together. This vision is built upon the foundation of secure attachment, where partners can turn to each other for comfort, support, and reassurance.

The Differences Between PACT and EFT

EFT differs from PACT in its primary focus. PACT emphasizes the neurobiological and developmental aspects of relationships, focusing on mutual regulation, security, and fairness. It actively guides couples in creating a shared vision, mission, and purpose, often involving explicit agreements and principles.

EFT, on the other hand, is more focused on emotional processing and attachment needs. It aims to help couples identify and express their core emotions, understand their attachment patterns, and create a more secure emotional bond. While PACT emphasizes the “what” and “how” of building a secure relationship, EFT focuses more on the “why” and the emotional underpinnings of the relationship dynamic.

Both approaches ultimately aim for a strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationship by  taking different pathways to get there.

Gottman’s Approach to Couples Therapy

John Gottman’s approach to couples therapy focuses on building a “Sound Relationship House.” Gottman uses the house often as a metaphor for a strong and lasting partnership. While Gottman doesn’t explicitly outline “purpose, mission, and vision” in the same way as PACT, these elements are woven into the framework.

In other models, you may be asked to define your purpose as a couple. In Gottman’s model, your shared purpose will be given to you. Gottman defines purpose as the desire to create a meaningful and fulfilling life together, built on friendship, trust, and commitment. Your mission as a couple will also be handed to you.

According to Gottman, the mission of every marriage is to actively cultivate the “Sound Relationship House.” This includes building love maps (knowing each other’s inner world), fostering fondness and admiration. It also means turning towards each other for connection and managing conflict constructively. You will be asked to help each other make life dreams come true and create shared meaning together.

The vision in Gottman’s approach is a future where you as a couple have a rich and rewarding life together, marked by deep connection, mutual respect, and a shared sense of purpose. This vision is achieved by consistently practicing the skills and principles of the Sound Relationship House.

Couples Therapy

How Gottman’s Approach Differs from Other Methods

Gottman’s approach differs from both EFT and PACT in that it has many research-based skills and interventions. While EFT focuses on emotional bonding and attachment needs, and PACT emphasizes the neurobiological and developmental aspects of relationships, Gottman provides a more structured and skills-based approach. Gottman’s method involves assessing couples’ interactions, identifying strengths and weaknesses, and teaching specific tools for communication, conflict management, and building intimacy.

Unlike EFT’s focus on emotional processing, Gottman’s method is more behavioral and directive. And where PACT actively guides couples in creating explicit agreements and principles, Gottman focuses on teaching couples the skills to navigate their relationship dynamics effectively.

Relational Life Therapy (RLT)

Terry Real developed Relational Life Therapy (RLT) which is known as one of the more confrontational approaches. I had the privilege of taking a workshop from Real many years ago and he does not mince words. A natural showman, his face was often animated and he flung his arms around for emphasis. The whole room full of therapists would often bust into laughter. You couldn’t help yourself as his interventions were surprising and cathartic.

RLT is distinguished by its focus on power dynamics and relational maturity. It offers a blend of skill-building, emotional awareness, and direct confrontation of destructive patterns in couples. The emphasis is on moving beyond the individual psychology of you and your partner. The aim is for both of you to understand each other better and address the relational dynamics between you.

RLT focuses on taking apart the patterns that lead to disconnection and power imbalances. Like Gottman’s approach, your shared purpose will be handed to you. It can be seen as the desire to create a relationship characterized by mutuality, equality, and connection. The mission becomes the work of identifying and challenging your “relational blindness” together. This means recognizing patterns of control or withdrawal, and developing skills that help you both act more like grown ups together.

This involves taking personal responsibility for yourself in the relationship. It also means speaking directly and assertively to your partner, which may be a challenge. RLT involves practicing “relational mindfulness” as opposed to a self focused or distracted behavior.  In RLT, your marriage’s mission will be provided for you as well. It’s described as a future where you and your partner can experience a truly intimate and equitable relationship together; a relationship that is free from the destructive patterns of your past.

Your marriage’s vision is achieved by you and your partner committing to personal growth and each taking responsibility for your part in the relational dynamic.

How Does RLT Compare to Other  Approaches?

Like Gottman, RLT emphasizes specific skills and interventions. But unlike Gottman, RLT focuses more on addressing power dynamics and aims to promote relational maturity. Where Gottman focuses on building a “Sound Relationship House” through specific behaviors, RLT focuses on shifting the underlying relational dynamic.

You could say that RLT wants to fundamentally shift the ground your house rests on. Similar to EFT, RLT acknowledges the importance of emotions, but it goes further in addressing how individual emotional patterns play out in the relational system and how power dynamics influence emotional expression.

RLT and PACT share some overlap. Both focus on individual responsibility and personal growth, but PACT emphasizes the neurobiological underpinnings of relationships more strongly. RLT is unique in its direct confrontation of relational patterns and its emphasis on personal responsibility and relational maturity. So, it is not for the faint of heart.

I hope this in-depth comparison has been helpful to you. As you can probably see, while all four approaches aim for a healthy, fulfilling relationship, they address different facets of the relational dynamic. They also use different strategies for change.

Couples Therapy

Which Approach is Right for You?

At Dance of Change, we believe each relationship is unique; Therefore, we take a customized approach based on your goals and needs as a couple. That often means drawing from multiple couples therapy approaches. Most couples need a combination of skill building, scaffolding, attachment work, and disrupting old patterns. We believe this is what’s most important, rather than pledging loyalty to a particular approach. However, if you and your spouse or partner have a preference, we will of course take that into account.

Regardless of the approach, having a strong mission, shared vision, and purpose is essential. It is the lighthouse that guides the ship of your relationship through dark and treacherous times, leading you both back to safety.

In Need of Couples Therapy?

We’ve got you covered. Our Marriage and Family Therapists are not only trained in many of these approaches, we are also licensed to provide Marriage or Couples Counseling.

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who can help or go to our booking page to request an appointment.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri, and serve couples in both Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County. Give us a call at (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com.

The Couples Dance: the 5 couples communication patterns that keep you stuck

Counseling for Couples, , , ,

By understanding  your unique couples communication pattern you can Learn to free yourselves .

Every relationship is unique. And relationships are often complex. That is because they are comprised of a combination of communication patterns between two people, both verbal and non-verbal, including attachment patterns ( how you each learned to DO relationship growing up) as well as how each of your nervous systems are uniquely wired. This is what I call the couples dance.

And it’s a lot to navigate. No wonder most couples communication problems can get out of control so easily, and are often resistant to simple problem solving! So, to make things easier and hopefully more understandable I’ve identified 5 clear interactions patterns that couples can fall into with each other. These are inspired both by attachment theory, polyvagal theory, the developmental model and the psycho-biological approach to working with couples, and of course my own clinical experience.

And because I love dance and believe dance is a great metaphor to describe these couples communication patterns, I’ve given them each a dance name. This is by no means an exhaustive list, it’s just what I tend to see show up in my office most frequently. Perhaps communication with your spouse or partner fall in one of these patterns? Let’s look at them.

1. The Freedom Waltz

Couples Pattern #1 image

Your Couples Communication Pattern:

You value freedom and independence as a couple. Perhaps you both have careers that are rewarding and require that lion’s share of your time and energy. You both don’t mind giving each other plenty of time and space to pursue these activities. Constant communication for you as a couple is not a necessity. You both need your alone time. Perhaps you even have agreed to have a somewhat unconventional relationship. Again, all in the name of freedom. Perhaps you have a somewhat separate lives, live in separate places, have decided to have an open marriage, and that works for both of you for the most part.

The Problem:

Freedom Waltz couples are at risk of doing the “slow drift” apart. You might be so focused on your independence that you actually loose your partner. Everything can seem fine on the outside until it’s not. Perhaps an undeniable problem has emerged: someone feels hurt and betrayed. You’ve stopped talking, stopped having sex. Communication as a couple has come to a halt.The air between you feels chilly, tense and distant. Perhaps one or both of you have been questioning if you should even stay married.

Your Growth Edge:

Freedom Waltz couples need to learn to put as much (and probably more) investment in the relationship as they do in things and people outside the relationship. Shows of affection and other positive communication as a couple needs to be high priority. You need to let your partner meet your needs instead of always reaching for more “alone time” or some other external reward system (TV, food, etc.). You both need to learn that you get as much as you are willing to invest in the relationship. Also, you both need to risk feeling like each other’s “burden” at times and to recognize this as GOOD thing. It’s part of the glue that’s needed to make your marriage work in the long run.

As long as there is insecurity in the couples system there will be problems in the relationship. This is what I call the couple’s dance. It’s my job to find these insecurity patterns that lead to predictable problems in the relationship and teach the couple how to change the dance between them.

2. The Intensity Tango

Couples Realtionship Pattern #2 image

Your Couples Communication Pattern:

Your communication as a couple is both emotionally expressive and intense. The chemistry between you was strong from the beginning. You are adventurous together and can create excitement easily. maybe you even thrive on this intensity. However the intensity can become problematic over time.

The Problem:

The vitality between you also means that you set each other off easily. You are both quick to anger outbursts and misunderstand each other easily. If you don’t get your communication under control as a couples, small misunderstandings can add up.  Insensitive words or gestures can lead to intense burst of rage. If you have kids, pets or neighbors, you may frighten them at times with your loud, intense fighting. Perhaps this has done serious damage to your relationship already. Just as quickly as the fire and chemistry builds between you, it can be snuffed out. In general you both tend to avoid difficult emotions like sadness, disappointment, fear or grief in favor of anger.

Your Growth Edge:

You both need to learn to stand more on your own two feet and regulate your own emotions before communicating them. Strong couples communication is not always about sharing emotions with your partner. Sometimes it’s about helping each other calm down. This means getting in touch with the difficult feelings that are likely hiding underneath the anger such as fear, sadness or disappointment. Also, it is likely that abuses from the past are seeping into your relationship and coloring your experience of each other now. You would both be well served by professional help as a couple in order to understand how this plays out for each of you in the relationship.

Remember, you co-created this relationship together and you can re-create it ways that serve you better. This includes learning to see and hear each other more clearly and accurately. It also means learning to establish healthy boundaries with yourself and with each other in order to be less defensive.

3. The High Contrast Jive

Your Couples Communication Pattern:

Yours is a classic story of “opposites attract”. You are very different people, and that difference is likely what attracted you to each other in the first place. Whether you experienced your partner as “fun” exciting” and “adventurous” or “calm”, “solid” and “down-to earth” you opposing energies probably seemed like a positive initially. The best thing about this coupling, is that you can actually complement each other and help each other stretch in grow in new ways. Often we choose partners because they possess a quality that we admire and value.

The Problem:

The differences that initially attracted you to each other can also be the source of a lot of resentment and frustration. This can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstanding.  You may feel that your partner chronically “doesn’t get it” but feel compelled to stay together regardless. You may be on a mission to change your partner, or them of you. This of course, doesn’t work and leads to more hurt, misunderstanding and eventually resentment.

Your Growth Edge:

As a couple, you  need to learn that you chose someone who will, generally on an intuitive level, make no freaking sense to you, even on a good day. You both need to really get good at asking non-attacking questions for clarification, never assuming anything and not making the other person wrong  because of their choices or actions. Because you choose someone who is fundamentally different in their orientation towards people and relationships, you would do good to cultivate curiosity, a sense of humor and acceptance.

Along those lines the High-contrast couple, is well served by seeing your partner as representing a book that they VERY MUCH need to borrow some pages from (not the whole book, mind you). This goes against your natural impulse: which is to think that your partner’s “book” (how to be in a relationship) is “wrong” and you want nothing from it because your “book” is better. A little humility and openness goes a long way.

4. The Topsy-Turvy Tail Spin

Couples Pattern #3 image

Your Couples Communication Pattern:

All bets off in terms of consistency in your relationship. You may find yourself doing a  intensity tango one minute, and then ease into a Steady Swing for a while and then move a high-contrast Jive the next.  You or your partner may act one way until they hit a pocket where there is unresolved trauma and then all of a sudden they act completely different.

The Problem:

It’s hard to feel safe and secure in a relationship that is so unpredictable at times. You likely are triggering each other constantly without knowing it and that can be frustrating. It’s highly likely that one or both people have a history of past trauma that is being played out unconsciously in the relationship. The good news is that even Topsy Turvy Couples can find a sense of safety and security, with each other, its’ going to require patience and work.

Your Growth Edge:

You both need to learn that significant trauma is makes everyone scared and self-protective and this is likely what’s driving the interaction problems between you.  You and your partner need to get really, really good at not looking threatening to each other by following basic rules of engagement to keep everyone in the window of tolerance and out of trauma response.

5. The Steady Swing

Couples Pattern #5 image

Your Couples Communication Pattern:

You and your partner genuinely love and respect each other through all the trials and tribulations. You know what makes your partner tick and feel that they know you well. Your marriage is built on principles like equality, good communication, sensitivity and fairness. You likely both came from families that valued relationships first and foremost and you have been able to carry that value through to your own marriage. You show affection for each other easily.

The Problem:

Even though your couples communication is basically solid and secure, problems in your environment can still set your marriage off course. Steady Swing couples basically have a good foundation, but you still need support just like anyone else, especially if a crisis arises.  It’s important to note that even positive life transitions can temporarily place stress on a marriage. A job offer, new baby, a major move, a wedding, changes in financial or health status, in law problems can all cause strain on a marriage.

Your Growth Edge:

If you are in a life transition or crisis situation know that the stress you are experiencing is temporarily and also normal often in these situations what you need is some fine tuning in your communication skills and also help to temporarily shift course in order to get back on track. If you are in a new life phase, structural issues in your marriage may need to be addressed first. Then your couples communication will be built on a stronger foundation. Both are needed in order to move forward again. A Steady Swing marriage is often helped by a short term course of couple’s therapy in order to address these issues.

What if we don’t fit?

Keep in mind that the above pattern are general patterns that many couples, but not all fit into. You may relate to several patterns or none of them. It’s all good. In the end, what matters most is that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to your relationship. Do you both see clearly the pattern you are in? Is there agreement that it’s a problem? Are you both agree on how you will solve that problem together? If the answer is no to any of these, than it’s probably a good idea to seek professional help All relationships endure struggle and communication problems at some point in their life span.

Many couples wait too long to get help the help they need. Don’t let that be you. You don’t have to wait until the patterns between you become deeply entrenched. Perhaps it’s time to decide to change them. In fact, change will happen more quickly and easily if you don’t wait. And remember, no pattern is set in stone. If your couples dance is not working for you in any way, you both have the power to change it.

Want to change your communication as a couple? It’s time to change the dance!

Contact our office and get  connected with an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists. Whether you are a new couple thinking about marriage or a mature couple with tons of experience behind you, we’ve got you covered. We will help coach you and your partner toward a better relationship.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the following communities:  Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri

More than Words: 5 Keys to Great Couples Communication

Counseling for Couples, , , ,

Couples often come to counseling seeking better communication, yet many already understand its basics intellectually. However, two key challenges arise:

  1. Intellectual knowledge hasn’t translated into lived experience
  2. Even if they have been able to communicate well at times,  they struggle to do so under stress. This is a much more challenging task. 

Let’s look at both of these situations, starting with the second. Then let’s explore the 5 keys to improve your couples communication style.

The Foundation of Good Communication

The truth is, we can’t separate communication from the background noise that is in a couples life. There are factors in a couple’s life that tend to set a strong foundation for good communication. You can think of them as background noise, or the lack thereof. When a couple is feeling calm, when there are mutual feelings of love flowing in both directions then communication is easy.  Let’s also add to this list a few other factors that tend to decrease stress in relationships and therefore lead to better communication: the feeling that there is enough time, money, energy and attention to go around. Yet, for many couples that I know, particularly couples in distress, at least a few of these factors are chronically missing. That means, they are trying to communicate from an already weak foundation. 

Communicating Under stress: Why It’s So Hard

What I find is that when they are under stress all that knowledge and good communication goes out the window. And so what they are really asking is either: how do I communicate with my partner when we are both under stress and/or how do I not let stress derail my marriage and erode things like trust, connection in the first place. Communication lies at the surface of all that. Communication lies on the surface of this more deeper question. Many self-help books have been published about how to communicate under stress. Unfortunately, many are predicated on a false assumption: if we just get into the right mindset, and choose the right words our relationships will fall into place. But as so many of us find out, it’s not that simple.

The Dance of Fire: The Patterns Between Us

So, how do you communicate when both you and your partner are under stress? That depends on three factors:

  1. How well you know your partner under stress 
  2. How well you know yourself under stress
  3. Whether or not you’ve current couple’s dance ( pattern of interactions between you)  can accommodate both.

The truth is that probably you and your partner process stress differently. That makes sense because you are different people.  You have different relationship histories and different brains and nervous systems that process that history in unique ways. When under stress often our brains instinctively draw from the memory banks of our past in order to determine how much of a threat our present experience with our partner is, and how to act. In other words, when there is an argument do we fight, try to get away, check-out, or apologize? 

The Missing Key: Your Body

Unfortunately, most couples (and also most couples therapists!) think of communication as mostly words. Despite the research stating the fact that something like 80% of communication  is actually non-verbal of communication. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk underscored the importance of the body in his seminal book on trauma . You can also watch him discuss his ideas in this video. The recent explosion of neuroscience has supported the importance of the body in healing across many fields. Whether your goal is exceptional job performance, becoming a better parent, or creating a solid marriage. There are at least  five most important aspects of communication, let’s look at them. 

Five Non-Verbal Aspects of Communication

Not surprisingly, it’s not what we say that matters most, it’s how we say it. Let’s consider:

  • Body posture & positioning
  • Eye contact (or lack of it)
  • Facial Expression
  • Vocal Tone, pitch  and rhythmicity 
  • Emphasis or intensity of physical gestures and/or Vocal Tone

One of the most interesting recent research findings on the vocal tone quality, also known as prosody, is how important it is for creating bonding and a sense of safety. This has been established and observed in mother infant studies, but also applies to couples. The research suggested that the more modulation or sing-songy quality a woman has in her voice, also known as Motherese , the more positively associated that attachment bond is between mother and infant. Interestingly, this holds true even for adults in relationship with other adults. It seems we have a preference for certain voice characteristics throughout our entire lives. Another interesting study with men, actually shows that masculine voices can predict attachment style.

What This Means for You and Your Partner

It’s not what you say that’s important so much as how you say it. This is just as true in the living room as it is in the office. A lot of self-help books and communication classes are predicated on a false assumption: that if we just get into the right mindset, and choose the right words our communication problems will be solved. But this is often not the case. Partners are constantly scanning each other for what’s not being said and also checking to see if words are congruent with behavior. We need to get good at recognizing both our own non-verbal signals as well as our partners. 

             

When Silence is Golden.

By now you know that communication is not just about using the right words. But what about silence? In my office there are times when the silence between two people is so thick and heavy you can cut it with a knife. In these instances, couples often have a lot to say to each other but there is so much resentment built up they may not know where to begin. Perhaps, there are certain subjects that when talked about seem to automatically result in a fight. On the other hand, there are times when the best communication is no communication at all. There are times when a look or a touch is all that’s needed to communicate something of importance. These are times when silence is golden. 

Communicating in the Middle: Neither Suppression Nor Ruthless Self-Expression

Twenty years ago, I taught classes in anger management and mind body medicine in a wellness clinic that was part of a busy medical center. One of the ideas that ran through all the classes was this concept of the middle path. It’s a concept that is pretty familiar in ancient wisdom traditions such as Taoism, Yoga, and many others. Yet it’s a concept that’s so counter intuitive to our Western way of being, the very idea of it can be disconcerting.

The middle path is the road to moderation. It applies to all areas of life: communication, drinking, eating, working. The middle path will keep you out of trouble and heading in the right direction in most areas of your life. Yet, because many of us in Western culture are accustomed to living on the edge of extremes, it can feel out of reach. I remember the students in my class staring at me with blank expressions, and at times out right irritation when I talked about the middle path.  Many of them were men and women who were referred to my classes by doctors, psychologists and social workers. Some of them had dangerous heart conditions and a tendency for road rage. Others appeared mild mannered and calm, yet were dealing with a host of somatic symptoms that doctors could not figure out. 

What This Has to Do with Couples Communication

At its heart the middle path is about balance. How we live our lives also carries over to our close relationships. The two are interrelated.  If you are in sync and balance with your own body, mental and emotional needs then it is easier to sync up with your partner’s. Yet, many of us live our lives out of touch and out of balance. This shows up in our relationships.  For many folks, it’s easy to live on the edge of extremes: either complete denial or suppression of their needs or ruthless and unchecked self expression. In my work with couples it’s not unusual to find one partner who lives on the suppression side of things, while the other counter balances them by being overly expressive. This is what renowned couples researcher John Gottman called a classic distancer-pursuer dynamic. 

Questions to Explore Further Together

 Do you tend toward either of the extremes of emotional suppression or over expression when it comes to communication? Or do you start off in one of these two places and end up in the other?  Does your partner lean toward one of these extremes? Do you find that you expend a lot of time and energy either attempting to manage their behavior or your own behavior in an attempt to find balance? Are there certain subjects that are off limits or result in an instantaneous fight? If you answered yes to either of these questions you and your partner are in need of some real time coaching on how to better communicate. It’s never a sign of weakness to ask for help and can only create greater strength in your relationship together. 

Need Help Communicating?

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who can help coach you and your partner toward a better relationship.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the following communities: Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com with any questions or request an appointment on our booking page.

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri.

 How to Get the Most Out Of Couples Counseling

Counseling for Couples, ,

Couples Therapy What to ExpectCouples Counseling is one of the most important investments you will make in your life. A little preparation can go a long way in making that investment pay off in big ways.

Many couples enter counseling or marriage therapy each year not knowing what to expect. Many times spouses think that choosing  the right Marriage Therapist or Couples Counselor is all that’s needed. But the truth is, while finding a good therapist is important, it’s only part of the equation. Couples therapy is a big  investment of both time, money and energy. It is also one of the most important investments you will make in your life. A little preparation can go a long way in making that investment pay off in big ways in your relationship.

Note: In this article we use couples counseling and marriage counseling to mean the same thing!

Assumptions of Couples Counseling

To prepare, lets look at some of the basic assumptions of couples counseling. Let’s take a look at what makes a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is based in the following  principles:

  • Mutual respect, fairness, sensitivity, shared power, collaboration, justice, shared vision and a shared purpose that’s based in reality.
  • You can’t change another person, you can only change yourself.
  • Positive changes that you make in your own behavior will positively impact the relationship as a whole.
  • Under stress everyone behaves badly. It’s not your job to placate, punish, demand perfection, shame, criticize, blame or simply accept bad behavior in yourself or in another person.
  • It is your job and your right to take responsibility for your own behavior in the relationship and to make amends or ask for repair from another person when necessary.
  • These principles and actions combined over time build trust and a stronger relationship.

Initial Goals and Vision

The first task of Couple Therapy is to get clear about:

  • The kind of life you want to build together.
  • The kind of partner you aspire to be in order to create the life and the quality of relationship you desire.
  • Your individual blocks to becoming the kind of partner you aspire to be.
  • The skills and knowledge necessary to do the above task.

What’s Needed to Succeed: the four essential ingredients

In order to create sustained improvement in your relationship over time and to work effectively as a couple unit and as a team there will be some trade-offs. Here is what’s needed:

1. Time.

It simply takes time to create a relationship that flourishes. Time that may have been devoted towards other things will need to reallocated if it isn’t already  towards the following priorities:

  • Basic self-care: This includes adequate sleep, nutrition, etc. to maintain the energy and focus necessary to learn new skills.
  • Basic Relationship Care:  Time together to play, relax, recharge, reconnect and refocus and make repairs. This is necessary to maintain the energy, focus and motivation and to practice new skills.  This time will encroach on some other valuable areas – your personal or professional time.
  • Time to Reflect: Review goals, vision and progress together.
2. Energy and Motivation.

You will need motivation to persist. It takes concerted effort to sustain change overtime. This means remembering your vision and purpose at the beginning of this journey together. Maintaining these intentions even on the worse days can make a huge difference. It is the difference between a slight setback (often a normal and necessary part of the change process) and starting all over again.

3.  Vulnerability and Emotional Risk.

You will be asked to gently but persistently expand your comfort zone with yourself and your partner. Creating a healthy relationship means taking a certain amount of emotional risk: to let go of old defensive patterns and test out new ones. This is a necessary part of personal development as well as marital growth. My job is to help you take these necessary risks without too much stress or overwhelm. At times this will actually be fun.

4. Mental Flexibility.

You should expect imperfection in both yourself and your partner.  This can be very difficult for some, but is a necessary skill in improving reactions to problems. Change is non-linear. There will be ups and downs. This is a normal and necessary part of learning. Just as a young child falls down as it is learning to walk, mistakes are often a necessary part of learning and not a sign of failure. For this reason, it can be helpful to embrace the following paradoxes that are often part of couples work:

    • The slower and more careful we are with each other, the faster things shift in a positive direction.
    • The greatest growth often occurs during our ugliest moments together.
    • It’s not what you say, it’s what they hear.
    • Solutions, no matter how perfect, can still lead to an unsolvable problem.
    • But, when we improve our reactions to problems, the problems themselves can become irrelevant.

How to Prepare for and Maximize Couples Counseling Sessions

The main goal of marriage therapy is to expand your knowledge of yourself, the couple of which you are a part, and the patterns of interaction between you.  As you become more aware of these patterns, they will begin to loosen their hold on you and other family members. Therapy becomes effective when you can bring new knowledge to these patterns and effectively change them or develop new ones.

What to Do Just  Before Each Couples Counseling Session:

Before Each Therapy Session It is a Good Idea to:

  1. Reflect on your goals and reasons for being in therapy.
  2. Think about the next step that supports your larger vision or purpose for being together. Ask yourself “What is needed from me personally in order to be the kind of partner I aspire to become?”

Could you Use a Good Couples Counselor or Marriage Therapist?

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who can help turn your relationship around.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the both Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County. This includes the following communities: Maplewood, Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri

What to Expect in Premarital Counseling:

Counseling for Couples, , ,

Premarital CounselingCongratulations! You have decided to invest in one of the most important aspects of your life: your relationship. According to a longitudinal Harvard study on aging the single most important factor to long-term health and happiness is not good genes, IQ, money, social status, career success, health, or number of relationships, but rather, the quality of our most intimate relationships.

By investing in your marriage now, and throughout your lives together you will be protecting yourself and your partner from life’s discontents, boosting each other’s mental as well as physical health and insuring long term happiness and satisfaction in life.

If this sounds like a tall order, it is. Many people are aware of the high divorce rate in the U.S., which is currently around 50%. Often, role models for a strong and healthy marriage are few and far between. The good news is that even if you or your partner had less than stellar examples of marriage growing up or in your friends circle, many of the skills and elements of a healthy marriage can be taught and learned at any point. The sooner the better!

How  Premarital Counseling can help you build a better marriage.

There are five steps to building a healthy marriage.

Let’s look at each one and what premarital counseling can do for your future together.

  1. Create a Vision Together in Premarital Counseling

One of the key tasks of premarital counseling is to increasing your clarity about the kind of life you want to build together. Many couples have not seriously considered this beyond the basics (Where to live, jobs, # of kids, etc.) and then end up with uncomfortable surprises later on down the road. But this will not be you! That is because many of these surprises can be avoided with a clear, and honest vision.

We will also look at the latest research findings, behaviors and practices that lead to a healthy marriage  vs. those that end in divorce or discontent ( yes, this has been researched) and what that means for your lives together.

  1. Identify Your Path (s)

In order to support this vision you will both get clear on the kind of partner you aspire to be in order to build the kind of life and relationship you want to create.

This involves looking at the relationship as a whole but also the individual strengths and contributions of each person.

We will also look at the long term trajectory of your relationship, the stages of a marriage and the tasks and goals of each stage. You will identify where you and your partner currently stand on your path as couple and what the tasks are of your current life stage. We will also identify the stage you will be heading towards next and what’s needed for success.

  1. Strengthening the Foundation: Communication and Resources

Next we will look at how you and your partner prefer to be loved. This includes love languages but also the “magic ratio” that your marriage needs to stay healthy on a daily basis. Naming your values, attitude and skills is also key. We will look at and practice the essential communication skills that all couples need to feel loved and appreciated. I will actively coach you and give you feedback so you know when you are on the right track. Good communication is much more difficult than most people think. Effective negotiation is even harder. The three most important qualities for effective communication are respect, openness and persistence. We will practice these together and also identify supports and strengths in your relationship (both internal and external). We’ll also look at potential barriers to good communication in your marriage and address them before they become a real problem.

Premarital Counseling

  1. The Zen of Relationships: Dealing with Conflict and Stress

Since stress is an inevitable part of both life and marriage, it’s important to look at how you and your partner’s unique stress physiology play out under stress. This is an element that most traditional couples therapist leave out, yet it is so important! We will look at how to tell when you and your partner are “going over threshold” and what they need from you in those moments. You will also get to know your own “threshold” and “window of tolerance” for handling stress and how to communicate with your partner at these critical times. This is important not only for trauma healing but also trauma prevention as a couple.

Marriage also comes with some built in contradictions (for example: speak up or keep the peace. And also, solutions, no matter how perfect often set the stage for new problems. Knowing this, we will look at how to embrace the paradox and also avoid the usual marriage traps (there are four of them). We look at how to use conflict to actually strengthen a relationship and the steps needed to make a good repair. Finally, we will practice the art of repair together.  This skill is so essential that it can actually save a marriage!

  1. Premarital Counseling helps you create a Resilient Marriage now and  in the  Future

A healthy marriage is like a healthy ecosystem. With the right combination of care and attention it becomes a life-giving place you can live and depend on for sustenance on a regular basis. In this last step we will review all the elements of healthy marriage, the skills you learned, and your commitments to yourself and each other.  We’ll address what it takes to keep your marital “ecosystem” healthy and sustain growth in the long run. Here is what you will need:

  • A vision of the life you want to build together and individually
  • The appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team along this path
  • The motivation and ability to put the “magic ratio” into practice on a daily basis
  • The skills and motivation to persist and grow even in times of stress
  • Time to review progress, recharge and celebrate your lives together.
How to get the most out of Premarital Counseling:

The major aim of counseling is to increase your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the

patterns of interaction between you in order to create a strong foundation for your lives together. This requires some courage and emotional risk taking on both of your parts.  Counseling works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your partner or the relationship itself.

Unlike regular couples therapy where the focus is on fixing difficult problems, in premarital counseling the focus is on growth and prevention. We won’t be dredging up issues from your past and analyzing them. Rather, I work best when I help you reach objectives you set for yourself in the context of your relationship. A powerful approach to our time together is for each person to do the following before each session:

  1. Reflect on your objectives for marriage
  2. Think about your next step that supports or relates to your larger objectives for the kind of Marriage you wish to co-create, or the partner you aspire to become. Then, please share this with your partner at the beginning of our next session.
About to get Married? Need a Premarital counselor or Marriage and Family Therapist in Missouri?

Are you interested in starting marriage boot camp in order to lay the best foundation for your marriage?

Give us a call at : (314) 827-5448 or email us at Danielle@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri