Congratulations! You have decided to invest in one of the most important aspects of your life: your relationship. According to a longitudinal Harvard study on aging the single most important factor to long-term health and happiness is not good genes, IQ, money, social status, career success, health, or number of relationships, but rather, the quality of our most intimate relationships.

By investing in your marriage now, and throughout your lives together you will be protecting yourself and your partner from life’s discontents, boosting each other’s mental as well as physical health and insuring long term happiness and satisfaction in life.

If this sounds like a tall order, it is. Many people are aware of the high divorce rate in the U.S., which is currently around 50%. Often, role models for a strong and healthy marriage are few and far between. The good news is that even if you or your partner had less than stellar examples of marriage growing up or in your friends circle, many of the skills and elements of a healthy marriage can be taught and learned at any point. The sooner the better!

How  Premarital Counseling can help you build a better marriage.

There are five steps to building a healthy marriage.

Let’s look at each one and what premarital counseling can do for your future together.

1. Create a Vision Together in Premarital Counseling
   

One of the key tasks of premarital counseling is to increasing your clarity about the kind of life you want to build together. Many couples have not seriously considered this beyond the basics (Where to live, jobs, # of kids, etc.) and then end up with uncomfortable surprises later on down the road. But this will not be you! That is because many of these surprises can be avoided with a clear, and honest vision.

We will also look at the latest research findings, behaviors and practices that lead to a healthy marriage  vs. those that end in divorce or discontent ( yes, this has been researched) and what that means for your lives together.

2. Identify Your Path (s)

In order to support this vision you will both get clear on the kind of partner you aspire to be in order to build the kind of life and relationship you want to create.

This involves looking at the relationship as a whole but also the individual strengths and contributions of each person.

We will also look at the long term trajectory of your relationship, the stages of a marriage and the tasks and goals of each stage. You will identify where you and your partner currently stand on your path as couple and what the tasks are of your current life stage. We will also identify the stage you will be heading towards next and what’s needed for success.

3. Strengthening the Foundation: Communication and Resources

Next we will look at how you and your partner prefer to be loved. This includes love languages but also the “magic ratio” that your marriage needs to stay healthy on a daily basis. Naming your values, attitude and skills is also key. We will look at and practice the essential communication skills that all couples need to feel loved and appreciated. I will actively coach you and give you feedback so you know when you are on the right track. Good communication is much more difficult than most people think. Effective negotiation is even harder. The three most important qualities for effective communication are respect, openness and persistence. We will practice these together and also identify supports and strengths in your relationship (both internal and external). We’ll also look at potential barriers to good communication in your marriage and address them before they become a real problem.

4. The Zen of Relationships: Dealing with Conflict and Stress

Since stress is an inevitable part of both life and marriage, it’s important to look at how you and your partner’s unique stress physiology play out under stress. This is an element that most traditional couples therapist leave out, yet it is so important! We will look at how to tell when you and your partner are “going over threshold” and what they need from you in those moments. You will also get to know your own “threshold” and “window of tolerance” for handling stress and how to communicate with your partner at these critical times. This is important not only for trauma healing but also trauma prevention as a couple.

Marriage also comes with some built in contradictions (for example: speak up or keep the peace. And also, solutions, no matter how perfect often set the stage for new problems. Knowing this, we will look at how to embrace the paradox and also avoid the usual marriage traps (there are four of them). We look at how to use conflict to actually strengthen a relationship and the steps needed to make a good repair. Finally, we will practice the art of repair together.  This skill is so essential that it can actually save a marriage!

5. Premarital Counseling helps you create a Resilient Marriage now and  in the  Future
   

A healthy marriage is like a healthy ecosystem. With the right combination of care and attention it becomes a life-giving place you can live and depend on for sustenance on a regular basis. In this last step we will review all the elements of healthy marriage, the skills you learned, and your commitments to yourself and each other.  We’ll address what it takes to keep your marital “ecosystem” healthy and sustain growth in the long run. Here is what you will need:

• A vision of the life you want to build together and individually
• The appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team along this path
• The motivation and ability to put the “magic ratio” into practice on a daily basis
• The skills and motivation to persist and grow even in times of stress
• Time to review progress, recharge and celebrate your lives together.

How to get the most out of Premarital Counseling:

The major aim of counseling is to increase your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the

patterns of interaction between you in order to create a strong foundation for your lives together. This requires some courage and emotional risk taking on both of your parts.  Counseling works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your partner or the relationship itself.

Unlike regular couples therapy where the focus is on fixing difficult problems, in premarital counseling the focus is on growth and prevention. We won’t be dredging up issues from your past and analyzing them. Rather, I work best when I help you reach objectives you set for yourself in the context of your relationship. A powerful approach to our time together is for each person to do the following before each session:

1. Reflect on your objectives for marriage
2. Think about your next step that supports or relates to your larger objectives for the kind of Marriage you wish to co-create, or the partner you aspire to become. Then, please share this with your partner at the beginning of our next session.

About to get Married? Need a Premarital counselor or Marriage and Family Therapist in Missouri?

Are you interested in starting marriage boot camp in order to lay the best foundation for your marriage?

Give us a call at : (314) 827-5448 or email us at Danielle@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri