What is Self-Regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to control your thoughts, emotions, and actions, even when things get tough. It’s about managing how you react to stress, frustration, and big emotions instead of letting them take over. Think of it as your inner control tower to keep calm, stay focused, and respond thoughtfully to what’s happening around you.

Why Self-Regulation?

Imagine you’re at work juggling multiple projects, relationships, and daily responsibilities. Suddenly, a big project goes sideways. If you’re like most people, your instinct is either to panic or blame. Whether you blame yourself or someone else, the impulse is strong. Self-regulation can potentially help you change that. Even if you just take a deep breath, step back, often you will be able to think clearly about your next steps. And chances are you will come across better. Instead of reacting emotionally, you might actually be able to calm down long enough to get something done.

Or maybe you’re stuck in traffic after a long day, and the frustration is building. This is a classic time for self-regulation. Rather than fuming or letting it ruin your mood, or boost your blood pressure, you can shift your internal state by using any number of tools.

Is Self-Regulation Just Being Calm?

No, self-regulation isn’t just about staying calm—though for some, that’s a big part of it! It’s also about managing your reactions in a way that aligns with your goals and values. Staying calm is often just the first step. Once you are calm, self-regulation means finding thoughtful ways to respond. If you suffer from anxiety, then finding tools to help calm your nervous system are key.

Also, there are some people who appear too calm. They might have low energy and be slow to respond, even in situations that require it. For these folks, self-regulation might mean finding tools that actually help energize. This is a common experience if you or a loved one struggles with depression.

It takes skill and practice to respond to any situation, even when emotions are strong. But it’s a worthwhile skill that many of us need!

Self-regulation helps you respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.

Will Self-Regulation Help Me Stop Experiencing Difficult Emotions?

Self-regulation isn’t about ignoring emotions. But if you find yourself always stuck in the same difficult emotions, it can help tip your brain in a new direction. It’s about increasing your capacity to handle ALL emotions without getting overwhelmed. You can learn to handle even difficult emotions in a way that keeps you in control, even when things are challenging. These skills don’t come naturally for most, but they can be learned. Whether it’s work stress, a tricky conversation with your partner, or a frustrating moment with your kids, self-regulation tools give you the skills and ability to handle whatever comes your way.

How We Have Organized This Guide:

We have structured this guide into five different categories of self-regulation tools. They are:

1. Breathing Tools
2. Grounding Tools
3. Cognitive Tools
4. Physical Regulation Tools
5. Mindfulness Tools

Though many of the tools suggested span multiple categories, we grouped them under just one. Yoga, for example, is a vast and deep practice that contains both physical regulation tools, breathing tools, grounding and cognitive tools. We see this guide as an overview and introduction to many different tools. Our hope is that you feel inspired to choose a few and explore them more in depth. We recommend that you have at least five of these tools in your personal tool belt. And we hope that you use them regularly. Let’s begin.

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1. Breathing Tools

Box Breathing

• When to use: During moments of stress or anxiety, panic, especially when needing to quickly calm down.
• How: Breathe in through your nose for a count of four, hold for four, exhale through your mouth for four, and hold again for four. Repeat until you feel calmer.
• Examples: If feeling overwhelmed at work or before a big presentation. Also helpful if you are about to have a difficult conversation with your spouse or child. Box breathing helps to reset your nervous system.

Diaphragmatic Breathing

• When to use: Helpful for ongoing stress management or to reduce chronic stress. Can be helpful to reset during high–anxiety phases of life.
• How: Place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen. Breathe in deeply through your nose, allowing your belly to expand. Exhale slowly through your mouth.
• Examples: Practicing for 5-10 minutes each morning can improve overall stress response. Don’t expect a dramatic change right away though. This technique often takes practice.

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2. Grounding Techniques

Sensing Your Feet

This is both a mindfulness and a grounding technique. It is so simple it can be practiced anywhere.

• When to Use: Use this exercise when you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or disconnected. It helps you focus on the present moment and regain a sense of stability.
• How: Stand or sit with your feet flat on the ground. Shoes off is best. Pay attention to the sensation of your feet touching the floor. Notice the pressure, texture, and temperature. Slowly shift your weight from heel to toe and back, staying fully present with the movement. Take as much time as you need. Notice what happens to your breath and the rest of your body when you stay focused on your feet just for two minutes.
• Examples:
  • Pause during a stressful workday to feel your feet pressing into the ground.
  • Practice when you start to feel overwhelmed by your kids’ behavior.
  • Use it outdoors, feeling the texture of grass or earth beneath your feet for extra connection to nature.

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Cold Water Splash

• When to use: In intense moments of distress, especially with racing thoughts or physical agitation.
• How: Splash cold water on your face or run your wrists under cold water to stimulate the vagus nerve and promote a calming effect.
• Examples: Useful before an important conversation if you’re feeling stressed or agitated.
• Sources: Psychology Today, National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)

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3. Cognitive Re-framing

Thought Challenging

• When to use: When negative or unhelpful thoughts persist.
• How: Identify the thought, evaluate its accuracy, and replace it with a balanced or realistic perspective.
• Examples: When self-doubt arises, challenge thoughts like “I’m not good enough” with “I’m learning and improving.”

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Gratitude Journaling

• When to use: As part of a daily routine or during difficult times to foster positivity and mental balance. Our minds tend to have a negativity bias, and tools like this one can counter it.
• How: Write down three things you’re grateful for each day, with reasons why.
• Examples: Can be used in the morning to set a positive tone for the day or at night to reflect and relax.

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4. Physical Regulation Techniques

Exercise and sleep are obviously an important part of staying regulated. Many people struggle to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep, and you may be one of them. If that’s the case, then many of these tools will help. Often, getting enough exercise during the day is key to a good night’s sleep. Ideally, movement that gets your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes. Just remember to plan to do this at least three hours before bedtime if you have difficulties with sleep.

Dance

• When to Use: Dance works well when you want to release pent-up energy, boost your mood, or reconnect with your body. It helps during moments of emotional overwhelm, frustration, or anxiety. Dance can also help you feel more grounded.
• How: Dancing combines physical movement with rhythm and music, activating both your body and mind. It regulates emotions by lowering stress hormones, releasing endorphins, and improving focus and body awareness.
• Examples:
  • Put on your favorite music at home to shake off stress after a long day. Let your body respond to the pulse and rhythm. If you have kids or a partner, invite them to join you. This helps everyone regulate.
  • Join a dance class for more structure or guidance. Dance channels emotions into creative expression. Dancing in groups can also build social connections, combat isolation, and reduce loneliness associated with depression.
  • Use structured dances like ballet or salsa to build discipline and enhance mental focus.

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Cold Plunges

• • • When to Use: Cold plunges are great when you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or in need of a quick energy boost. They’re especially helpful for resetting your mood or improving focus during a busy day. Done an hour before bedtime, they can also help with sleep.
    • How: A cold plunge involves immersing your body in cold water, typically around 50°F (10°C), for a short time. The cold activates your nervous system, boosts endorphins, and helps regulate your body’s stress response. Fill a bathtub with cold water or use a non-heated pool. Keep your head above water and submerge up to your neck. Try to stay for at least a minute, building up to 3 minutes. DO NOT immediately jump into a sauna or hot water. Allow yourself to warm up gradually.
    • Examples:
      • Take a quick cold plunge in the morning to feel awake and energized, much like coffee.
      • Use a cold plunge after a tough workout to reduce muscle soreness and calm your mind.
      • Jump into cold water after a stressful day to “reset,” regain focus, and relax.

Related Post: When Trauma interferes with self-regulation.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)

• • When to use: When feeling physical tension or stress; effective before sleep or during breaks.
  • How: Tense each muscle group, hold for a few seconds, then relax. Move from toes to head.
  • Examples: Great as part of a bedtime routine to release tension from the day.

Yoga Poses for Stress Relief

• • When to use: Daily for ongoing stress reduction or in stressful moments.
  • How: Focus on energizing poses when you need to let off steam. Poses like warrior 1,2 or 3, Lions pose, plank or a vinyasa flow can be helpful. Then, focus on calming poses like child’s pose, forward fold, or legs up the wall to relax and stretch.
  • Examples: Use a quick forward fold or deep breathing stretch to ground yourself midday. Use Goddess pose to energize yourself before a big meeting.
  • Sources: Yoga Journal, Harvard Health Publishing

5. Mindfulness Techniques

These tools can help with just about anything. Sleepless nights when you lie in bed awake. Chaotic or overwhelming family gatherings. Or when you just finished a highly stressful meeting. These practices can be done any time of day or night. Try right before bed, or even in the middle of the night.

• Body Scan Meditation
  • When to use: As a daily practice or when needing to relax before sleep.
  • How: Lie down, close your eyes, and focus on each part of your body, scanning from head to toe and relaxing each area.
  • Examples: Helpful as part of a wind-down routine at night.
  • Sources: Greater Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley
• Mindful Walking
  • When to use: When feeling stuck or overwhelmed; good for grounding or clearing the mind.
  • How: Walk slowly, paying attention to the sensations of your feet touching the ground and the rhythm of your breathing.
  • Examples: Take a 5-minute mindful walk during a break or to reset after intense work.
• Music and Mindfulness

Self-Regulation for Couples

Many couples that come to see us complain of communication problems. But many don’t realize that good communication is at least in part, a self-regulation issue. Self-regulation helps you respond thoughtfully to your partner rather than impulsively. As mention earlier, it is more than calming yourself down. It’s about acting in ways that are true to the kind of person you want to be, no matter how you feel in the moment. Successful couples know how to give themselves and their partners what they need to get back in balance. Whether that means giving, your partner space to respond thoughtfully and effectively, rather than reacting out of impulse or frustration. Or using one of these tools to regulate yourself. Both are essential to making a relationship work.

Related Post: How to Get the Most Out Of Couples Counseling

Self-Regulation for Parents

Parents especially benefit from self-regulation skills. Imagine you’ve asked your child to do something three times, and they still ignore you. Of course, your going to feel frustrated. But what if, before raising your voice, you told your child you needed to take some time to calm down? And you did it! What if they saw you sit down and take a couple of deep breaths before speaking? Perhaps, then you would be able to try a different approach. Many parents would like their kids and teens to become more regulated, but they forget themselves. The reality is that many kids follow our examples. Self-regulation here doesn’t just help you—of course. It models a healthy response for your child, too. Which is something both of you probably need. Also, it’s important for families to regulate together at times.

Note: this information is provided as education . It is not meant as medical advice nor a substitute for medical advice and evaluation by a qualified health care professional.

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