…And the three elements that help shift them.
The 4 Stress Responses
Understanding the 4 stress responses and their effect on relationships is crucial because when we experience stress, our bodies go into a state of alarm when we experience stress, our bodies go into a state of alarm. This is a natural response that helps us to prepare to deal with threats. Not everyone experiences stress in the same way, but everyone experiences different variations of the same general responses. It is important to know how to manage stress symptoms when it comes to our personal lives and in our relationships. There are four main stress responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
No doubt, you have heard of them, at least a little bit. However, many people are unaware when they themselves are in a stress response. What’s easier and more common is to see the stress response in someone else rather than in yourself. This happens in couples all the time. Let’s look at each of the four stress responses and how to manage them. First, from an individual perspective, and then from the perspective of a relationship.
Fight
Fight is the most common stress response and often our first go-to reaction. When we fight, our bodies release hormones that increase our heart rate, blood pressure, and muscle tension. This prepares us to physically confront the threat. These changes over time can lead to common physical experiences such as chest pain or tightness, sweating, and breathing changes, such as shallow breathing or rapid breathing. Internally, the primary characteristic of fight is judgment or criticism.
If you find yourself thinking that you have been wronged or that you are bad or wrong, you’re probably stuck in fight. There can be an obsession with the wrongdoing of others and feelings of injustice. Fight can also be turned inward and experienced as self-criticism and eventually depression. With a spouse or family member, you can notice other signs as well. Changes in facial expressions, such as frowning, grimacing, or clenching the jaw are common. They may become more fidgety, or avoid eye contact. You might also notice changes in their voice, such as speaking more quickly or quietly, or with a higher or lower pitch. Your partner may become suddenly withdrawn, irritable, or angry, or make more mistakes than usual.
Flight
Flight is another common stress response. When we flee, our bodies release hormones that help us to run away from the threat. This is a more adaptive response than fight when the threat is too dangerous to confront. It is a natural reaction to a perceived threat, and it involves the body preparing to run away from danger. Internally, you may notice some of the same symptoms that you would when you are in a fight response, however, the internal experience is different. Increased heart rate and blood pressure, muscle tension, and rapid breathing are just some of the physical signs. The main characteristic of flight is obsessive thinking.
Worry and obsessive thoughts are the most common feature. Thoughts tend to center around either what could go wrong in the future, planning or preparing for it, or what went wrong in the past and ruminating on it. There is an avoidance of the present moment and a quickening pace. You can notice this in others in their speech and behavior patterns. Your partner or family member’s facial expressions might look fearful or panicked. They might fidget or pace, and avoid eye contact more than usual. They might also appear grumpy or short-tempered, but the underlying emotion is fear. With the flight response, the impulse to get away or escape is real.
Freeze
Freeze is the least common stress response in the general population and it is the most common stress response when it comes to trauma. This is especially true with medical trauma, sexual trauma, and early developmental or relational trauma. However, even without trauma, we all experience freeze at times. When you freeze, your body goes into a state of immobility. This is a survival mechanism that helps you to avoid detection by predators.
Some signs of the freeze response include shallow breathing and rigid or overly loose muscles. You may feel like you are stuck, unable to move or speak. Or you may feel like you are witnessing yourself from a distance. Some people describe feeling like they are not really there or that things are not real. Numbness, confusion, or lack of feeling can also be a sign.
Fawn
Fawn is what happens when you feel threatened by someone, but it’s not safe to fight or run. You choose to stay and try to keep the peace no matter what. This makes it one of the more complex stress responses. Instead of fighting back or freezing up, you focus on making others happy—sometimes even when it hurts you. If someone is upset, you rush to fix it. You agree with things you don’t believe. Or you may agree to do things your body doesn’t want to do. You may smile when you’re uncomfortable. On the outside, you seem easygoing, helpful, and extremely nice. Inside you might feel anxious, scared, exhausted, or even invisible.
Your body reacts too. Your heart might race, your stomach might feel tight, and your brain might get busy figuring out how to stay on everyone’s good side. This is different from a traditional Fight response, where you get angry and push back. However, it does have some similarities to fight. Instead of fighting for your life, you are fighting for the relationship at your own cost.
Like the Freeze response, there may be parts of your body or experience that shut down. However, it is not a complete freeze response in that you are still actively fighting to preserve the relationship. With Fawning, you move toward the threat instead of away from it—trying to stay safe by being likable and avoiding conflict. Over time, this can make it hard to know what you really want or how you really feel. This is because you’re so used to focusing on others. But the good news? Once you notice it, you can learn to reclaim your true feelings, set boundaries, say what you think, and take care of your needs too. The best part is you can learn to do this without self-sacrifice.
Stress is not your enemy!
As you probably know already, not all stress is bad. Each of the stress responses has its own way of protecting you from harm, in ways that are helpful and even life-saving. For example, the Fight response is necessary when you need to assert yourself. Whether that’s expressing an opinion in a meeting or telling a child to get out of a busy road. In these instances, your fight response is a friend and can be helpful in dealing with short-term threats. The problem is we can get stuck in our stress responses and overdo it. A stuck fight response can also lead to aggression, violence, or even chronic pain symptoms. Flight can be effective in dealing with long-term threats, but it can also lead to anxiety and avoidance. Freeze can be effective in dealing with overwhelming threats, but it can also lead to dissociation and detachment.
How Your Stress Response Affects Your Relationships
Our stress responses can have a significant impact on our relationships. When we are stressed, we may become more irritable, withdrawn, or aggressive. We may also have difficulty communicating effectively or problem-solving. This can lead to conflict, misunderstandings, and distance in our relationships.
It is important to be aware of how our stress responses affect our relationships both individually and as a couple. If we can learn to manage our stress healthily, we can improve our communication, reduce conflict, and strengthen our relationships. One of the best things to do if your partner is in a stress response is simply to express your concern.
To Communicate or Not When Under Stress
Someone who is in a stress response may not be ready to communicate right away. It’s important to respect and honor that. If they are open to talking, you can ask them how they are feeling and if they are aware of any of the signs of stress. If they are not aware of their stress signs, sometimes it better to leave any conversation to rest for some time until the stress is over. Some couples (or even family members) like to give each other permission ahead of time to gently point out when the other person is under stress. This can be helpful, so long as both people agree in advance. Pointing out a partner’s stress without a prior agreement will probably only increase it. You can also offer them support and encouragement either verbally or non-verbally.
But what if you, yourself are caught in a stress response? Then it’s probably best to focus on yourself before focusing on another person. Read on for how to do that for both yourself and as a couple.
3 Approaches to Recover from Stress
There are many different approaches to healing from stress. Some common approaches include:
1. Time
Sometimes, the best way to heal from stress is to simply give yourself time. Allow yourself to take a short break from any current pressures in your life, even if it’s just for five minutes. This allows you the time you need to rest, recover, and process the stressful event. Over time, your body will naturally return to a state of balance. Parents often give kids a time-out for this reason. Adults sometimes need timeouts too. In my work with couples, I often encourage both partners to take a time-out for at least 20 minutes when emotions run high. Twenty minutes is the minimum amount of time most people need for their nervous systems to shift out of the stress mode and into something new. Though, many people need more time.
2. Space
Another helpful approach is to create space between yourself and the stressors. This could mean taking a break from work, spending time in nature, or getting away from the situation that is causing you stress. With couples, this often means physically creating separation between the two of you for a short period. Perhaps moving into different rooms if you live together or leaving the house briefly until the stress has settled a bit.
3. Perspective
Often, our stress is caused by our perception of a situation. Many people experience stress when they feel a boundary has been crossed. The tricky part is sometimes a boundary has not actually been crossed. Misunderstanding can make it seem this way. In this case, there may not be a real physical threat, but the experience can still feel threatening.
The important thing to know is that under stress your perspective will change. Your focus narrows and there may be a tendency to look for fault and to blame. This is the case even for simple misunderstandings, which are common in all relationships. Sometimes taking both time and space to calm down is enough to regain a wider perspective. Then, from a wider perspective, you can actually move beyond blame into a real conversation that might actually be helpful.
Having a wider perspective can be enough to reduce your and your partner’s stress levels. This ultimately can lead to the ability to re-frame the situation in a more positive light or accept that you cannot control everything.
If you are struggling with stress, please know that you are not alone. There are many resources available to help you. Please reach out for help if you need it.
Relationship stress is unavoidable.
Stress is a normal part of life. And it’s also a normal part of all relationships. However, when stress becomes chronic, it can have a negative impact on both your physical and mental health as well as the health of your relationship. It is important to learn how to manage stress in a healthy way. Both with yourself and with your partner. There are many different approaches to healing from stress, and the best approach for you will depend on you and your partner’s individual needs. If you are struggling with chronic stress, please reach out for help.
Stuck in a Stress Response?
A therapist can help you to understand your unique stress response, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and improve your relationships.
At Dance of Change, we use a variety of mindfulness-based stress reduction approaches including Somatic Experiencing (SE), yoga, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and many other approaches customized to your needs. Many of these can be applied to Individual, Family, and Couples Therapy.
Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who can help or go to our booking page to request an appointment.
We are located in St Louis, Missouri, and serve couples in both Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County. Give us a call at (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com.