Let’s consider for a moment a dangerous fantasy that just about every couple has when they first step into my office. Often it’s unspoken. The fantasy is so powerful it can single-handedly derail an entire marriage for years. The fantasy goes like this: “Since my spouse is the real cause of our marital problems, I need someone skilled to fix them” Some time in the middle of the first session as they seek marriage help the fantasy will reveal its self like an unwelcome guest. One of the spouses will lean back in the over stuffed sofa in my office and drop the not-so-subtle hint: “ Can you please fix my spouse?”
On the surface this seems like a reasonable request. Sometimes the spouse will even agree that they are the problem. They will offer themselves up like a willing patient. Ready to put on the hospital gown and slap on the ID band. None of which, of course is necessary. But it adds to the drama of the fantasy. That’s when I know it’s time to deliver the hard truth .
The sobering truth of marriage therapy: how problems really get solved
“ It seems that you both are in agreement that one of you is the main problem here.” at which point both or one partner usually nods. I take a breath and go on ” But I have to say, in all my years as a marriage therapist, that has never been the case.”
“In fact, just the opposite is often true. Neither of you got here by yourselves. So, it’s going to take both of you to solve this problem. At this point the two will usually look at each other for the first time. They may size each other up. A look of either disappointment or shock on their faces. Sometimes it’s a combination of the two. The true state of their marriage is re-considered. Now therapy has begun.
Marriage help: The good and the bad news
Can I fix your partner? Sure, I can. But it likely won’t work. Just like a patient is likely to reject an organ transplant if the donor is not a good match (no matter how skilled the doctor might be) The only good match in the case of your marriage is you. You created this marriage together, problems and all. And if this marriage is to get better, if it is to heal, then both need to shoulder the burden equally. Both partners need to be a part of the solution. This might seem like bad news but it’s not.
You can’t change another person, but you can …
You can change yourself of course. If you are seeking marriage help and want your spouse to change you are going to have to do some changing too. It’s just the law of relationships. This is how they work.
Different problems require Different Kinds of Solutions
On the one hand it makes sense. When you have a problem, you go to an expert to solve it. When you need your car fixed, you take it to a mechanic. They do the work for you. You will never be asked to be an active participant in the process. That would be ridiculous. You don’t have the training. The only thing you are expected to do is fork out a lot of cash in the end. Accountants and financial advisors expect you to simply hand over your information and leave. They don’t want you involved in the numbers. That would only screw things up. And doctors don’t even allow you in the surgery room if your spouse is sick.
But what if the relationship itself is sick? Even if the relationship is not sick per se, but a problem for one or more people, then that requires a different approach.
The more complex the Marriage problem, the more team work is needed from both partners when seeking marriage help.
Marriage help requires a different Approach.
This is obvious when you look at other professions geared towards solving relational problems. And there are a few. A corporate business consultant would be of no use if he or she did not meet with the key team players. Not just once, but multiple times. In fact our whole legal system is predicated on the idea of fairness and justice. That means both sides of any dispute need to represented fairly and they need to be heard. The same is true for marriage.
Yes, but my spouse really does have a problem…….
I hear you. And that problem is real. But here’s the deal: when one person has a problem everyone is affected by it. Therefore everyone needs to be a part of the solution. This makes sense when you think about it. Whether the problem is an addiction, communication, sex, kids, money or cleanliness everyone’s lives are touched by it. Individual therapy can help. But it won’t improve your marriage.