By understanding  your unique couples communication pattern you can Learn to free yourselves .

Every relationship is unique. And relationships are often complex. That is because they are comprised of a combination of communication patterns between two people, both verbal and non-verbal, including attachment patterns ( how you each learned to DO relationship growing up) as well as how each of your nervous systems are uniquely wired. This is what I call the couples dance.

And it’s a lot to navigate. No wonder most couples communication problems can get out of control so easily, and are often resistant to simple problem solving! So, to make things easier and hopefully more understandable I’ve identified 5 clear interactions patterns that couples can fall into with each other. These are inspired both by attachment theory, polyvagal theory, the developmental model and the psycho-biological approach to working with couples, and of course my own clinical experience.

And because I love dance and believe dance is a great metaphor to describe these couples communication patterns, I’ve given them each a dance name. This is by no means an exhaustive list, it’s just what I tend to see show up in my office most frequently. Perhaps communication with your spouse or partner fall in one of these patterns? Let’s look at them.

1. The Freedom Waltz

Your Couples Communication Pattern:

You value freedom and independence as a couple. Perhaps you both have careers that are rewarding and require that lion’s share of your time and energy. You both don’t mind giving each other plenty of time and space to pursue these activities. Constant communication for you as a couple is not a necessity. You both need your alone time. Perhaps you even have agreed to have a somewhat unconventional relationship. Again, all in the name of freedom. Perhaps you have a somewhat separate lives, live in separate places, have decided to have an open marriage, and that works for both of you for the most part.

The Problem:

Freedom Waltz couples are at risk of doing the “slow drift” apart. You might be so focused on your independence that you actually loose your partner. Everything can seem fine on the outside until it’s not. Perhaps an undeniable problem has emerged: someone feels hurt and betrayed. You’ve stopped talking, stopped having sex. Communication as a couple has come to a halt.The air between you feels chilly, tense and distant. Perhaps one or both of you have been questioning if you should even stay married.

Your Growth Edge:

Freedom Waltz couples need to learn to put as much (and probably more) investment in the relationship as they do in things and people outside the relationship. Shows of affection and other positive communication as a couple needs to be high priority. You need to let your partner meet your needs instead of always reaching for more “alone time” or some other external reward system (TV, food, etc.). You both need to learn that you get as much as you are willing to invest in the relationship. Also, you both need to risk feeling like each other’s “burden” at times and to recognize this as GOOD thing. It’s part of the glue that’s needed to make your marriage work in the long run.

As long as there is insecurity in the couples system there will be problems in the relationship. This is what I call the couple’s dance. It’s my job to find these insecurity patterns that lead to predictable problems in the relationship and teach the couple how to change the dance between them.

2. The Intensity Tango

Your Couples Communication Pattern:

Your communication as a couple is both emotionally expressive and intense. The chemistry between you was strong from the beginning. You are adventurous together and can create excitement easily. maybe you even thrive on this intensity. However the intensity can become problematic over time.

The Problem:

The vitality between you also means that you set each other off easily. You are both quick to anger outbursts and misunderstand each other easily. If you don’t get your communication under control as a couples, small misunderstandings can add up.  Insensitive words or gestures can lead to intense burst of rage. If you have kids, pets or neighbors, you may frighten them at times with your loud, intense fighting. Perhaps this has done serious damage to your relationship already. Just as quickly as the fire and chemistry builds between you, it can be snuffed out. In general you both tend to avoid difficult emotions like sadness, disappointment, fear or grief in favor of anger.

Your Growth Edge:

You both need to learn to stand more on your own two feet and regulate your own emotions before communicating them. Strong couples communication is not always about sharing emotions with your partner. Sometimes it’s about helping each other calm down. This means getting in touch with the difficult feelings that are likely hiding underneath the anger such as fear, sadness or disappointment. Also, it is likely that abuses from the past are seeping into your relationship and coloring your experience of each other now. You would both be well served by professional help as a couple in order to understand how this plays out for each of you in the relationship.

Remember, you co-created this relationship together and you can re-create it ways that serve you better. This includes learning to see and hear each other more clearly and accurately. It also means learning to establish healthy boundaries with yourself and with each other in order to be less defensive.

3. The High Contrast Jive

Your Couples Communication Pattern:

Yours is a classic story of “opposites attract”. You are very different people, and that difference is likely what attracted you to each other in the first place. Whether you experienced your partner as “fun” exciting” and “adventurous” or “calm”, “solid” and “down-to earth” you opposing energies probably seemed like a positive initially. The best thing about this coupling, is that you can actually complement each other and help each other stretch in grow in new ways. Often we choose partners because they possess a quality that we admire and value.

The Problem:

The differences that initially attracted you to each other can also be the source of a lot of resentment and frustration. This can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstanding.  You may feel that your partner chronically “doesn’t get it” but feel compelled to stay together regardless. You may be on a mission to change your partner, or them of you. This of course, doesn’t work and leads to more hurt, misunderstanding and eventually resentment.

Your Growth Edge:

As a couple, you  need to learn that you chose someone who will, generally on an intuitive level, make no freaking sense to you, even on a good day. You both need to really get good at asking non-attacking questions for clarification, never assuming anything and not making the other person wrong  because of their choices or actions. Because you choose someone who is fundamentally different in their orientation towards people and relationships, you would do good to cultivate curiosity, a sense of humor and acceptance.

Along those lines the High-contrast couple, is well served by seeing your partner as representing a book that they VERY MUCH need to borrow some pages from (not the whole book, mind you). This goes against your natural impulse: which is to think that your partner’s “book” (how to be in a relationship) is “wrong” and you want nothing from it because your “book” is better. A little humility and openness goes a long way.

4. The Topsy-Turvy Tail Spin

Your Couples Communication Pattern:

All bets off in terms of consistency in your relationship. You may find yourself doing a  intensity tango one minute, and then ease into a Steady Swing for a while and then move a high-contrast Jive the next.  You or your partner may act one way until they hit a pocket where there is unresolved trauma and then all of a sudden they act completely different.

The Problem:

It’s hard to feel safe and secure in a relationship that is so unpredictable at times. You likely are triggering each other constantly without knowing it and that can be frustrating. It’s highly likely that one or both people have a history of past trauma that is being played out unconsciously in the relationship. The good news is that even Topsy Turvy Couples can find a sense of safety and security, with each other, its’ going to require patience and work.

Your Growth Edge:

You both need to learn that significant trauma is makes everyone scared and self-protective and this is likely what’s driving the interaction problems between you.  You and your partner need to get really, really good at not looking threatening to each other by following basic rules of engagement to keep everyone in the window of tolerance and out of trauma response.

5. The Steady Swing

Your Couples Communication Pattern:

You and your partner genuinely love and respect each other through all the trials and tribulations. You know what makes your partner tick and feel that they know you well. Your marriage is built on principles like equality, good communication, sensitivity and fairness. You likely both came from families that valued relationships first and foremost and you have been able to carry that value through to your own marriage. You show affection for each other easily.

The Problem:

Even though your couples communication is basically solid and secure, problems in your environment can still set your marriage off course. Steady Swing couples basically have a good foundation, but you still need support just like anyone else, especially if a crisis arises.  It’s important to note that even positive life transitions can temporarily place stress on a marriage. A job offer, new baby, a major move, a wedding, changes in financial or health status, in law problems can all cause strain on a marriage.

Your Growth Edge:

If you are in a life transition or crisis situation know that the stress you are experiencing is temporarily and also normal often in these situations what you need is some fine tuning in your communication skills and also help to temporarily shift course in order to get back on track. If you are in a new life phase, structural issues in your marriage may need to be addressed first. Then your couples communication will be built on a stronger foundation. Both are needed in order to move forward again. A Steady Swing marriage is often helped by a short term course of couple’s therapy in order to address these issues.

What if we don’t fit?

Keep in mind that the above pattern are general patterns that many couples, but not all fit into. You may relate to several patterns or none of them. It’s all good. In the end, what matters most is that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to your relationship. Do you both see clearly the pattern you are in? Is there agreement that it’s a problem? Are you both agree on how you will solve that problem together? If the answer is no to any of these, than it’s probably a good idea to seek professional help All relationships endure struggle and communication problems at some point in their life span.

Many couples wait too long to get help the help they need. Don’t let that be you. You don’t have to wait until the patterns between you become deeply entrenched. Perhaps it’s time to decide to change them. In fact, change will happen more quickly and easily if you don’t wait. And remember, no pattern is set in stone. If your couples dance is not working for you in any way, you both have the power to change it.

Want to change your communication as a couple? It’s time to change the dance!

Contact our office and get  connected with an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists. Whether you are a new couple thinking about marriage or a mature couple with tons of experience behind you, we’ve got you covered. We will help coach you and your partner toward a better relationship.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the following communities:  Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri

Couples often come to counseling seeking better communication, yet many already understand its basics intellectually. However, two key challenges arise:

1. Intellectual knowledge hasn’t translated into lived experience
2. Even if they have been able to communicate well at times,  they struggle to do so under stress. This is a much more challenging task. 

Let’s look at both of these situations, starting with the second. Then let’s explore the 5 keys to improve your couples communication style.

The Foundation of Good Communication

The truth is, we can’t separate communication from the background noise that is in a couples life. There are factors in a couple’s life that tend to set a strong foundation for good communication. You can think of them as background noise, or the lack thereof. When a couple is feeling calm, when there are mutual feelings of love flowing in both directions then communication is easy.  Let’s also add to this list a few other factors that tend to decrease stress in relationships and therefore lead to better communication: the feeling that there is enough time, money, energy and attention to go around. Yet, for many couples that I know, particularly couples in distress, at least a few of these factors are chronically missing. That means, they are trying to communicate from an already weak foundation. 

Communicating Under stress: Why It’s So Hard

What I find is that when they are under stress all that knowledge and good communication goes out the window. And so what they are really asking is either: how do I communicate with my partner when we are both under stress and/or how do I not let stress derail my marriage and erode things like trust, connection in the first place. Communication lies at the surface of all that. Communication lies on the surface of this more deeper question. Many self-help books have been published about how to communicate under stress. Unfortunately, many are predicated on a false assumption: if we just get into the right mindset, and choose the right words our relationships will fall into place. But as so many of us find out, it’s not that simple.

The Dance of Fire: The Patterns Between Us

So, how do you communicate when both you and your partner are under stress? That depends on three factors:

1. How well you know your partner under stress 
2. How well you know yourself under stress
3. Whether or not you’ve current couple’s dance ( pattern of interactions between you)  can accommodate both.

The truth is that probably you and your partner process stress differently. That makes sense because you are different people.  You have different relationship histories and different brains and nervous systems that process that history in unique ways. When under stress often our brains instinctively draw from the memory banks of our past in order to determine how much of a threat our present experience with our partner is, and how to act. In other words, when there is an argument do we fight, try to get away, check-out, or apologize? 

The Missing Key: Your Body

Unfortunately, most couples (and also most couples therapists!) think of communication as mostly words. Despite the research stating the fact that something like 80% of communication  is actually non-verbal of communication. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk underscored the importance of the body in his seminal book on trauma . You can also watch him discuss his ideas in this video. The recent explosion of neuroscience has supported the importance of the body in healing across many fields. Whether your goal is exceptional job performance, becoming a better parent, or creating a solid marriage. There are at least  five most important aspects of communication, let’s look at them. 

Five Non-Verbal Aspects of Communication

Not surprisingly, it’s not what we say that matters most, it’s how we say it. Let’s consider:

• Body posture & positioning
• Eye contact (or lack of it)
• Facial Expression
• Vocal Tone, pitch  and rhythmicity 
• Emphasis or intensity of physical gestures and/or Vocal Tone

One of the most interesting recent research findings on the vocal tone quality, also known as prosody, is how important it is for creating bonding and a sense of safety. This has been established and observed in mother infant studies, but also applies to couples. The research suggested that the more modulation or sing-songy quality a woman has in her voice, also known as Motherese , the more positively associated that attachment bond is between mother and infant. Interestingly, this holds true even for adults in relationship with other adults. It seems we have a preference for certain voice characteristics throughout our entire lives. Another interesting study with men, actually shows that masculine voices can predict attachment style.

What This Means for You and Your Partner

It’s not what you say that’s important so much as how you say it. This is just as true in the living room as it is in the office. A lot of self-help books and communication classes are predicated on a false assumption: that if we just get into the right mindset, and choose the right words our communication problems will be solved. But this is often not the case. Partners are constantly scanning each other for what’s not being said and also checking to see if words are congruent with behavior. We need to get good at recognizing both our own non-verbal signals as well as our partners. 

             

When Silence is Golden.

By now you know that communication is not just about using the right words. But what about silence? In my office there are times when the silence between two people is so thick and heavy you can cut it with a knife. In these instances, couples often have a lot to say to each other but there is so much resentment built up they may not know where to begin. Perhaps, there are certain subjects that when talked about seem to automatically result in a fight. On the other hand, there are times when the best communication is no communication at all. There are times when a look or a touch is all that’s needed to communicate something of importance. These are times when silence is golden. 

Communicating in the Middle: Neither Suppression Nor Ruthless Self-Expression

Twenty years ago, I taught classes in anger management and mind body medicine in a wellness clinic that was part of a busy medical center. One of the ideas that ran through all the classes was this concept of the middle path. It’s a concept that is pretty familiar in ancient wisdom traditions such as Taoism, Yoga, and many others. Yet it’s a concept that’s so counter intuitive to our Western way of being, the very idea of it can be disconcerting.

The middle path is the road to moderation. It applies to all areas of life: communication, drinking, eating, working. The middle path will keep you out of trouble and heading in the right direction in most areas of your life. Yet, because many of us in Western culture are accustomed to living on the edge of extremes, it can feel out of reach. I remember the students in my class staring at me with blank expressions, and at times out right irritation when I talked about the middle path.  Many of them were men and women who were referred to my classes by doctors, psychologists and social workers. Some of them had dangerous heart conditions and a tendency for road rage. Others appeared mild mannered and calm, yet were dealing with a host of somatic symptoms that doctors could not figure out. 

What This Has to Do with Couples Communication

At its heart the middle path is about balance. How we live our lives also carries over to our close relationships. The two are interrelated.  If you are in sync and balance with your own body, mental and emotional needs then it is easier to sync up with your partner’s. Yet, many of us live our lives out of touch and out of balance. This shows up in our relationships.  For many folks, it’s easy to live on the edge of extremes: either complete denial or suppression of their needs or ruthless and unchecked self expression. In my work with couples it’s not unusual to find one partner who lives on the suppression side of things, while the other counter balances them by being overly expressive. This is what renowned couples researcher John Gottman called a classic distancer-pursuer dynamic. 

Questions to Explore Further Together

 Do you tend toward either of the extremes of emotional suppression or over expression when it comes to communication? Or do you start off in one of these two places and end up in the other?  Does your partner lean toward one of these extremes? Do you find that you expend a lot of time and energy either attempting to manage their behavior or your own behavior in an attempt to find balance? Are there certain subjects that are off limits or result in an instantaneous fight? If you answered yes to either of these questions you and your partner are in need of some real time coaching on how to better communicate. It’s never a sign of weakness to ask for help and can only create greater strength in your relationship together. 

Need Help Communicating?

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who can help coach you and your partner toward a better relationship.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the following communities: Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com with any questions or request an appointment on our booking page.

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri.