Tag Archives: Anxiety

The 4 Stress Responses & Their Effect on Relationships

January 30, 2025Body-Mind MedicineAnxiety, couples counseling, depression, stress mangementDanielle Kiesler

…And the three elements that help shift them.

The 4 Stress Responses

Understanding the 4 stress responses and their effect on relationships is crucial because when we experience stress, our bodies go into a state of alarm when we experience stress, our bodies go into a state of alarm. This is a natural response that helps us to prepare to deal with threats. Not everyone experiences stress in the same way, but everyone experiences different variations of the same general responses. It is important to know how to manage stress symptoms when it comes to our personal lives and in our relationships. There are four main stress responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.

No doubt, you have heard of them, at least a little bit. However, many people are unaware when they themselves are in a stress response. What’s easier and more common is to see the stress response in someone else rather than in yourself. This happens in couples all the time. Let’s look at each of the four stress responses and how to manage them. First, from an individual perspective, and then from the perspective of a relationship.

Fight

Fight is the most common stress response and often our first go-to reaction. When we fight, our bodies release hormones that increase our heart rate, blood pressure, and muscle tension. This prepares us to physically confront the threat. These changes over time can lead to common physical experiences such as chest pain or tightness, sweating, and breathing changes, such as shallow breathing or rapid breathing. Internally, the primary characteristic of fight is judgment or criticism.

If you find yourself thinking that you have been wronged or that you are bad or wrong, you’re probably stuck in fight. There can be an obsession with the wrongdoing of others and feelings of injustice. Fight can also be turned inward and experienced as self-criticism and eventually depression. With a spouse or family member, you can notice other signs as well. Changes in facial expressions, such as frowning, grimacing, or clenching the jaw are common. They may become more fidgety, or avoid eye contact. You might also notice changes in their voice, such as speaking more quickly or quietly, or with a higher or lower pitch. Your partner may become suddenly withdrawn, irritable, or angry, or make more mistakes than usual.

Flight

Flight is another common stress response. When we flee, our bodies release hormones that help us to run away from the threat. This is a more adaptive response than fight when the threat is too dangerous to confront. It is a natural reaction to a perceived threat, and it involves the body preparing to run away from danger. Internally, you may notice some of the same symptoms that you would when you are in a fight response, however, the internal experience is different. Increased heart rate and blood pressure, muscle tension, and rapid breathing are just some of the physical signs. The main characteristic of flight is obsessive thinking.

Worry and obsessive thoughts are the most common feature. Thoughts tend to center around either what could go wrong in the future, planning or preparing for it, or what went wrong in the past and ruminating on it. There is an avoidance of the present moment and a quickening pace. You can notice this in others in their speech and behavior patterns. Your partner or family member’s facial expressions might look fearful or panicked. They might fidget or pace, and avoid eye contact more than usual. They might also appear grumpy or short-tempered, but the underlying emotion is fear. With the flight response, the impulse to get away or escape is real.

Freeze

Freeze is the least common stress response in the general population and it is the most common stress response when it comes to trauma. This is especially true with medical trauma, sexual trauma, and early developmental or relational trauma. However, even without trauma, we all experience freeze at times. When you freeze, your body goes into a state of immobility. This is a survival mechanism that helps you to avoid detection by predators.

Some signs of the freeze response include shallow breathing and rigid or overly loose muscles. You may feel like you are stuck, unable to move or speak. Or you may feel like you are witnessing yourself from a distance. Some people describe feeling like they are not really there or that things are not real. Numbness, confusion, or lack of feeling can also be a sign.

Fawn

Fawn is what happens when you feel threatened by someone, but it’s not safe to fight or run. You choose to stay and try to keep the peace no matter what. This makes it one of the more complex stress responses. Instead of fighting back or freezing up, you focus on making others happy—sometimes even when it hurts you. If someone is upset, you rush to fix it. You agree with things you don’t believe. Or you may agree to do things your body doesn’t want to do. You may smile when you’re uncomfortable. On the outside, you seem easygoing, helpful, and extremely nice. Inside you might feel anxious, scared, exhausted, or even invisible.

Your body reacts too. Your heart might race, your stomach might feel tight, and your brain might get busy figuring out how to stay on everyone’s good side. This is different from a traditional Fight response, where you get angry and push back. However, it does have some similarities to fight. Instead of fighting for your life, you are fighting for the relationship at your own cost.

Like the Freeze response, there may be parts of your body or experience that shut down. However, it is not a complete freeze response in that you are still actively fighting to preserve the relationship. With Fawning, you move toward the threat instead of away from it—trying to stay safe by being likable and avoiding conflict. Over time, this can make it hard to know what you really want or how you really feel. This is because you’re so used to focusing on others. But the good news? Once you notice it, you can learn to reclaim your true feelings, set boundaries, say what you think, and take care of your needs too. The best part is you can learn to do this without self-sacrifice.

Stress is not your enemy!

As you probably know already, not all stress is bad. Each of the stress responses has its own way of protecting you from harm, in ways that are helpful and even life-saving. For example, the Fight response is necessary when you need to assert yourself. Whether that’s expressing an opinion in a meeting or telling a child to get out of a busy road. In these instances, your fight response is a friend and can be helpful in dealing with short-term threats. The problem is we can get stuck in our stress responses and overdo it. A stuck fight response can also lead to aggression, violence, or even chronic pain symptoms. Flight can be effective in dealing with long-term threats, but it can also lead to anxiety and avoidance. Freeze can be effective in dealing with overwhelming threats, but it can also lead to dissociation and detachment.

How Your Stress Response Affects Your Relationships

Our stress responses can have a significant impact on our relationships. When we are stressed, we may become more irritable, withdrawn, or aggressive. We may also have difficulty communicating effectively or problem-solving. This can lead to conflict, misunderstandings, and distance in our relationships.

It is important to be aware of how our stress responses affect our relationships both individually and as a couple. If we can learn to manage our stress healthily, we can improve our communication, reduce conflict, and strengthen our relationships. One of the best things to do if your partner is in a stress response is simply to express your concern.

To Communicate or Not When Under Stress

Someone who is in a stress response may not be ready to communicate right away. It’s important to respect and honor that. If they are open to talking, you can ask them how they are feeling and if they are aware of any of the signs of stress. If they are not aware of their stress signs, sometimes it better to leave any conversation to rest for some time until the stress is over. Some couples (or even family members) like to give each other permission ahead of time to gently point out when the other person is under stress. This can be helpful, so long as both people agree in advance. Pointing out a partner’s stress without a prior agreement will probably only increase it. You can also offer them support and encouragement either verbally or non-verbally.

But what if you, yourself are caught in a stress response? Then it’s probably best to focus on yourself before focusing on another person. Read on for how to do that for both yourself and as a couple.

3 Approaches to Recover from Stress

There are many different approaches to healing from stress. Some common approaches include:

1. Time

Sometimes, the best way to heal from stress is to simply give yourself time. Allow yourself to take a short break from any current pressures in your life, even if it’s just for five minutes. This allows you the time you need to rest, recover, and process the stressful event. Over time, your body will naturally return to a state of balance. Parents often give kids a time-out for this reason. Adults sometimes need timeouts too. In my work with couples, I often encourage both partners to take a time-out for at least 20 minutes when emotions run high. Twenty minutes is the minimum amount of time most people need for their nervous systems to shift out of the stress mode and into something new. Though, many people need more time.

2. Space

Another helpful approach is to create space between yourself and the stressors. This could mean taking a break from work, spending time in nature, or getting away from the situation that is causing you stress. With couples, this often means physically creating separation between the two of you for a short period. Perhaps moving into different rooms if you live together or leaving the house briefly until the stress has settled a bit.

3. Perspective

Often, our stress is caused by our perception of a situation. Many people experience stress when they feel a boundary has been crossed. The tricky part is sometimes a boundary has not actually been crossed. Misunderstanding can make it seem this way. In this case, there may not be a real physical threat, but the experience can still feel threatening.

The important thing to know is that under stress your perspective will change. Your focus narrows and there may be a tendency to look for fault and to blame. This is the case even for simple misunderstandings, which are common in all relationships. Sometimes taking both time and space to calm down is enough to regain a wider perspective. Then, from a wider perspective, you can actually move beyond blame into a real conversation that might actually be helpful.

Having a wider perspective can be enough to reduce your and your partner’s stress levels. This ultimately can lead to the ability to re-frame the situation in a more positive light or accept that you cannot control everything.

If you are struggling with stress, please know that you are not alone. There are many resources available to help you. Please reach out for help if you need it.

Relationship stress is unavoidable.

Stress is a normal part of life. And it’s also a normal part of all relationships. However, when stress becomes chronic, it can have a negative impact on both your physical and mental health as well as the health of your relationship. It is important to learn how to manage stress in a healthy way. Both with yourself and with your partner. There are many different approaches to healing from stress, and the best approach for you will depend on you and your partner’s individual needs. If you are struggling with chronic stress, please reach out for help.

Stuck in a Stress Response?

A therapist can help you to understand your unique stress response, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and improve your relationships.

At Dance of Change, we use a variety of mindfulness-based stress reduction approaches including Somatic Experiencing (SE), yoga, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and many other approaches customized to your needs. Many of these can be applied to Individual, Family, and Couples Therapy.

Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who can help or go to our booking page to request an appointment.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri, and serve couples in both Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County. Give us a call at (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com.

Self-Regulation: Your Guide to Stellar Mental Health

November 25, 2024Body-Mind MedicineAnxiety, Anxiety Counseling, couples counseling, kids counseling, Work stressDanielle Kiesler

What is Self-Regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to control your thoughts, emotions, and actions, even when things get tough. It’s about managing how you react to stress, frustration, and big emotions instead of letting them take over. Think of it as your inner control tower to keep calm, stay focused, and respond thoughtfully to what’s happening around you.

Why Self-Regulation?

Imagine you’re at work juggling multiple projects, relationships, and daily responsibilities. Suddenly, a big project goes sideways. If you’re like most people, your instinct is either to panic or blame. Whether you blame yourself or someone else, the impulse is strong. Self-regulation can potentially help you change that. Even if you just take a deep breath, step back, often you will be able to think clearly about your next steps. And chances are you will come across better. Instead of reacting emotionally, you might actually be able to calm down long enough to get something done.

Or maybe you’re stuck in traffic after a long day, and the frustration is building. This is a classic time for self-regulation. Rather than fuming or letting it ruin your mood, or boost your blood pressure, you can shift your internal state by using any number of tools.

Is Self-Regulation Just Being Calm?

No, self-regulation isn’t just about staying calm—though for some, that’s a big part of it! It’s also about managing your reactions in a way that aligns with your goals and values. Staying calm is often just the first step. Once you are calm, self-regulation means finding thoughtful ways to respond. If you suffer from anxiety, then finding tools to help calm your nervous system are key.

Also, there are some people who appear too calm. They might have low energy and be slow to respond, even in situations that require it. For these folks, self-regulation might mean finding tools that actually help energize. This is a common experience if you or a loved one struggles with depression.

It takes skill and practice to respond to any situation, even when emotions are strong. But it’s a worthwhile skill that many of us need!

Self-regulation helps you respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.

Will Self-Regulation Help Me Stop Experiencing Difficult Emotions?

Self-regulation isn’t about ignoring emotions. But if you find yourself always stuck in the same difficult emotions, it can help tip your brain in a new direction. It’s about increasing your capacity to handle ALL emotions without getting overwhelmed. You can learn to handle even difficult emotions in a way that keeps you in control, even when things are challenging. These skills don’t come naturally for most, but they can be learned. Whether it’s work stress, a tricky conversation with your partner, or a frustrating moment with your kids, self-regulation tools give you the skills and ability to handle whatever comes your way.

How We Have Organized This Guide:

We have structured this guide into five different categories of self-regulation tools. They are:

Breathing Tools
Grounding Tools
Cognitive Tools
Physical Regulation Tools
Mindfulness Tools

Though many of the tools suggested span multiple categories, we grouped them under just one. Yoga, for example, is a vast and deep practice that contains both physical regulation tools, breathing tools, grounding and cognitive tools. We see this guide as an overview and introduction to many different tools. Our hope is that you feel inspired to choose a few and explore them more in depth. We recommend that you have at least five of these tools in your personal tool belt. And we hope that you use them regularly. Let’s begin.

1. Breathing Tools

Box Breathing

When to use: During moments of stress or anxiety, panic, especially when needing to quickly calm down.
How: Breathe in through your nose for a count of four, hold for four, exhale through your mouth for four, and hold again for four. Repeat until you feel calmer.
Examples: If feeling overwhelmed at work or before a big presentation. Also helpful if you are about to have a difficult conversation with your spouse or child. Box breathing helps to reset your nervous system.

Diaphragmatic Breathing

When to use: Helpful for ongoing stress management or to reduce chronic stress. Can be helpful to reset during high–anxiety phases of life.
How: Place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen. Breathe in deeply through your nose, allowing your belly to expand. Exhale slowly through your mouth.
Examples: Practicing for 5-10 minutes each morning can improve overall stress response. Don’t expect a dramatic change right away though. This technique often takes practice.

2. Grounding Techniques

Sensing Your Feet

This is both a mindfulness and a grounding technique. It is so simple it can be practiced anywhere.

When to Use: Use this exercise when you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or disconnected. It helps you focus on the present moment and regain a sense of stability.
How: Stand or sit with your feet flat on the ground. Shoes off is best. Pay attention to the sensation of your feet touching the floor. Notice the pressure, texture, and temperature. Slowly shift your weight from heel to toe and back, staying fully present with the movement. Take as much time as you need. Notice what happens to your breath and the rest of your body when you stay focused on your feet just for two minutes.
Examples:
- Pause during a stressful workday to feel your feet pressing into the ground.
- Practice when you start to feel overwhelmed by your kids’ behavior.
- Use it outdoors, feeling the texture of grass or earth beneath your feet for extra connection to nature.

Cold Water Splash

When to use: In intense moments of distress, especially with racing thoughts or physical agitation.
How: Splash cold water on your face or run your wrists under cold water to stimulate the vagus nerve and promote a calming effect.
Examples: Useful before an important conversation if you’re feeling stressed or agitated.
Sources: Psychology Today, National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)

3. Cognitive Re-framing

Thought Challenging

When to use: When negative or unhelpful thoughts persist.
How: Identify the thought, evaluate its accuracy, and replace it with a balanced or realistic perspective.
Examples: When self-doubt arises, challenge thoughts like “I’m not good enough” with “I’m learning and improving.”

Gratitude Journaling

When to use: As part of a daily routine or during difficult times to foster positivity and mental balance. Our minds tend to have a negativity bias, and tools like this one can counter it.
How: Write down three things you’re grateful for each day, with reasons why.
Examples: Can be used in the morning to set a positive tone for the day or at night to reflect and relax.

4. Physical Regulation Techniques

Exercise and sleep are obviously an important part of staying regulated. Many people struggle to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep, and you may be one of them. If that’s the case, then many of these tools will help. Often, getting enough exercise during the day is key to a good night’s sleep. Ideally, movement that gets your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes. Just remember to plan to do this at least three hours before bedtime if you have difficulties with sleep.

Dance

When to Use: Dance works well when you want to release pent-up energy, boost your mood, or reconnect with your body. It helps during moments of emotional overwhelm, frustration, or anxiety. Dance can also help you feel more grounded.
How: Dancing combines physical movement with rhythm and music, activating both your body and mind. It regulates emotions by lowering stress hormones, releasing endorphins, and improving focus and body awareness.
Examples:
- Put on your favorite music at home to shake off stress after a long day. Let your body respond to the pulse and rhythm. If you have kids or a partner, invite them to join you. This helps everyone regulate.
- Join a dance class for more structure or guidance. Dance channels emotions into creative expression. Dancing in groups can also build social connections, combat isolation, and reduce loneliness associated with depression.
- Use structured dances like ballet or salsa to build discipline and enhance mental focus.

Cold Plunges

- - When to Use: Cold plunges are great when you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or in need of a quick energy boost. They’re especially helpful for resetting your mood or improving focus during a busy day. Done an hour before bedtime, they can also help with sleep.
  - How: A cold plunge involves immersing your body in cold water, typically around 50°F (10°C), for a short time. The cold activates your nervous system, boosts endorphins, and helps regulate your body’s stress response. Fill a bathtub with cold water or use a non-heated pool. Keep your head above water and submerge up to your neck. Try to stay for at least a minute, building up to 3 minutes. DO NOT immediately jump into a sauna or hot water. Allow yourself to warm up gradually.
  - Examples:
    - Take a quick cold plunge in the morning to feel awake and energized, much like coffee.
    - Use a cold plunge after a tough workout to reduce muscle soreness and calm your mind.
    - Jump into cold water after a stressful day to “reset,” regain focus, and relax.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)

- When to use: When feeling physical tension or stress; effective before sleep or during breaks.
- How: Tense each muscle group, hold for a few seconds, then relax. Move from toes to head.
- Examples: Great as part of a bedtime routine to release tension from the day.

Yoga Poses for Stress Relief

- When to use: Daily for ongoing stress reduction or in stressful moments.
- How: Focus on energizing poses when you need to let off steam. Poses like warrior 1,2 or 3, Lions pose, plank or a vinyasa flow can be helpful. Then, focus on calming poses like child’s pose, forward fold, or legs up the wall to relax and stretch.
- Examples: Use a quick forward fold or deep breathing stretch to ground yourself midday. Use Goddess pose to energize yourself before a big meeting.
- Sources: Yoga Journal, Harvard Health Publishing

5. Mindfulness Techniques

These tools can help with just about anything. Sleepless nights when you lie in bed awake. Chaotic or overwhelming family gatherings. Or when you just finished a highly stressful meeting. These practices can be done any time of day or night. Try right before bed, or even in the middle of the night.

Body Scan Meditation
- When to use: As a daily practice or when needing to relax before sleep.
- How: Lie down, close your eyes, and focus on each part of your body, scanning from head to toe and relaxing each area.
- Examples: Helpful as part of a wind-down routine at night.
- Sources: Greater Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley
Mindful Walking
- When to use: When feeling stuck or overwhelmed; good for grounding or clearing the mind.
- How: Walk slowly, paying attention to the sensations of your feet touching the ground and the rhythm of your breathing.
- Examples: Take a 5-minute mindful walk during a break or to reset after intense work.
Music and Mindfulness

Self-Regulation for Couples

Many couples that come to see us complain of communication problems. But many don’t realize that good communication is at least in part, a self-regulation issue. Self-regulation helps you respond thoughtfully to your partner rather than impulsively. As mention earlier, it is more than calming yourself down. It’s about acting in ways that are true to the kind of person you want to be, no matter how you feel in the moment. Successful couples know how to give themselves and their partners what they need to get back in balance. Whether that means giving, your partner space to respond thoughtfully and effectively, rather than reacting out of impulse or frustration. Or using one of these tools to regulate yourself. Both are essential to making a relationship work.

Self-Regulation for Parents

Parents especially benefit from self-regulation skills. Imagine you’ve asked your child to do something three times, and they still ignore you. Of course, your going to feel frustrated. But what if, before raising your voice, you told your child you needed to take some time to calm down? And you did it! What if they saw you sit down and take a couple of deep breaths before speaking? Perhaps, then you would be able to try a different approach. Many parents would like their kids and teens to become more regulated, but they forget themselves. The reality is that many kids follow our examples. Self-regulation here doesn’t just help you—of course. It models a healthy response for your child, too. Which is something both of you probably need. Also, it’s important for families to regulate together at times.

Note: this information is provided as education . It is not meant as medical advice nor a substitute for medical advice and evaluation by a qualified health care professional.

Need Help With Your Self-Regulation?

Our highly trained Therapist or Can help you put a customized plan together that’s right for you.

Contact our office or…

Book your appointment now.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve people in the following communities: Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com

Anxiety Counseling: “I can’t keep up with this pace!” One woman’s story

February 15, 2024Counseling for Anxiety, Work / Life BalanceAnxiety, Anxiety Counseling, Work stressDanielle Kiesler

I sat across from Alysa as she leaned back in her chair and began to rub her temples. Her large gold earrings lifted up and down in time with the rhythm as she closed her eyes for a moment. She had come to me as a counselor for anxiety counseling.

“I can’t keep up with this pace” she said.

After giving her a little time to decompress I spoke softly, “You’ve mentioned this to me before”

She laughed nervously and her eyes popped open for a minute.

“I told my son, he needed to pay more attention to his body” “ You know, not go full throttle in basketball practice. He could re-injury himself”

Her eyes looked down for a moment. “I’m such a hypocrite. I really need to follow my own advice.” I give good advice!” She said, Laughing.

We both smiled and I nodded ” Yes you do”

Why we don’t Listen to Our Own Advice

When we are under stress the emotional centers of our brain kick in. Then stress & anxiety run the shows. We then move into a survival response of flight. More reactive, less able to think clearly.
“So, if you were to give yourself some good advice what might you say? Would it be the same that you gave your son…to listen to your body?

She looked thoughtful as she stared out out the office.”Yeah, Probably. I don’t always give myself advice. But sometimes I do. And even when I do, I don’t follow it.”

“Why not?”

She leaned into the arm chair as though trying to hold herself up. Then let out a long sigh.

“I’ve lived my whole life, in overdrive. I go 100 miles an hour. It’s what I’m known for. I’m good at it. My whole life has been about not listening to my body.”

“My whole life has been about not listening to my body”.

The Price we Pay for Speed

As a senior VP in her company Alysa had a lot on her plate. She had worked hard to lead her team in efforts to deliver a product with a quick turn around and she was good at it. She has developed a reputation among her colleagues for being a fast and decisive leader. Yet it came at a cost. And the costs were starting to mount up. Her physical and mental complaints were many: chest pains, headaches, back pain, TMJ, irritable bowel syndrome as well as on going stress and anxiety. And on top of that she had started to feel distant, more irritated with her husband. Her marriage was faltering.

Give me a break!

” I need a friggin break! My body just can’t keep up the way it used to. And I feel tired a lot.”

So do you think that you will take this 30 minute break?

She paused in her face. Got still.

She started to speak and then stopped herself. You’re hesitating quite a bit. I said,

“It’s just in the past, when I’ve tried to take a break, I’ve not done it. So I don’t want to hold myself to it. I don’t want to say I will, but then not do it. It’s the follow through. That’s hard for me.”

When Stress & Anxiety Run the Show

The truth is we live in a fast past culture. Many of us run on anxiety.
Adrenaline can be a high. It can be addictive. Plus, our own
family of origin patterns reinforces it. We are wired to respond quickly. Overvalued for our performance. Undervalued for who we are when at rest.
Suffering from job burn out? You’re in need of anxiety counseling.

Get Anxiety Counseling

An experienced anxiety counselor or coach can help by using anxiety counseling and other approaches. Contact our office we’ve got you covered. We will help coach you in a better direction.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve people in the following communities: Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 , email us at admin@danceofchange.com or https://danceofchange.com/book-an-appointment/

We offer in video (Telehealth) session for anyone.

Dancing with Anxiety: overcoming fear in four steps

September 1, 2020Counseling for AnxietyAnxiety, Covid-19, Mind-body medicine, YogaDanielle Kiesler

Often people come to my office asking me to help them “stop their anxiety”. They say that no matter what they DO, the anxiety keeps getting the best of them. That is certainly understandable. Anxiety that’s out of control can wreak havoc on our health and our sanity. But here’s the painful truth: you can’t stop fear or anxiety from happening, our brains and bodies are wired for it. What you can do is shift your relationship to it.

Shifting the dance:

Anxiety does not have to run your life. And you don’t have to work so hard to try and stop it. You can actually thrive and shift the grip hold that anxiety has on your life. This is what I call dancing with anxiety. Like learning a new dance, there are steps that you’ll need to learn. There is some practice involved. But mostly all that’s required is a little patience and a desire to do it differently. Let’s look at what this means.

Dancing with anxiety means…..

Befriending yourself and your body even when stress is high
Learning to shift your attention in ways that actually help you calm down vs just “manage” your symptoms.
Gently confronting anxiety, without making it worse or spiraling out of control
Shifting your perspective of your own anxiety to see it as the super power it really is.
Enjoying a life with less anxiety. Also, feeling confident that when anxiety does hit, you can handle it.

How anxiety works

Before we start doing that steps and start dancing with anxiety, first we have to understand the mechanism of fear. Let’s figure out why you are using anxiety in the first place.

Just like you can’t prevent a car crash from happening after it’s already occurred, you can’t prevent an anxiety attack after the fact. The good news is that anxiety is actually very predictable cycle. Anything you can predict you can actually change to some degree.

If anxiety is the match that eventually leads to a forest fire, we must first understand how that match gets lit.

Your brain on fear: Signs you are being hijacked by anxiety:

Narrow, tunneled vision
Mind in a frenzy: Rapid, negative, future-focused thinking “What if…”
Self-perception also becomes narrow and also negative focused.
Judgement and complaining about self and others increase “somethings wrong with me” or “something’s wrong with them”
Obsessive thinking about how it “should be” how we or another person should be behaving, performing, thinking.
Mental Repetition: Replaying the same dreadful scenario over and over again in our mind.
Over focus on “Doing” vs “Being”
Perception shifts from Perception of a self whose on her way somewhere, get to something
William James “ we leave in a perceptual frenzy, always thinking we should be doing something

The two kinds of Anxiety:

Though anxiety comes in many flavors and variations, it can be boiled down into two main categories: specific anxiety and general anxiety. Specific anxiety I just as it sounds, the anxiety is usually focused on a specific target or triggered by a known set of circumstances. Specific anxiety can include Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Specific phobias like agoraphobia and many others. General Anxiety does not have a specific known target or trigger and appears to be pervasive and chronic. Some people also refer to this as Existential Anxiety. Some anxiety has its origins in deep trauma. Existential Anxiety does not. Existential Anxiety looks and feels like habitual stress.

Regardless of the type of anxiety you are suffering from there is a way to shift the dance.

When we begin to feel at home in our bodies and our minds, we can begin to interrupt that anxious part of us that wants to sound the alarm.

A New Approach to Dancing with Anxiety

There are some predictable steps we can take that will help shift the dance.

1. Start with the body.

Anxiety is primarily a lived and felt experience. That means your body is giving you important signals for you’re to pay attention. No matter what you are doing, start by taking a pause. Listen and feel what your body is trying to communicate to you. Is it tense or constricted in anyway? Are there places where this is less the case? Just by slowing down to notice our physical state can shift us out of the anxiety a bit. Stop and allow the dust to settle.

2. Create a Circle of Safety:

Often we don’t allow ourselves to enter our own experience because we have been taught it’s not safe. Part of stepping out of the grip of anxiety is letting ourselves know it is safe to feel now. Set an intention to step out of anxiety and befriend yourself. Once you befriend your body you might start noticing and befriending other parts of your experience: your thoughts, your emotions. Try to do this without judgement. If you need help with this you might imagined safe people, places or allies that represent safety and curiosity for you. You can also ask for help from a trusted friend or therapist.

3. Shore up on resources:

Once things feel safe enough on the inside and the outside we can look towards sources of creative and life inspiration to help heal. Anything that inspires us, opens us up and allows us to feel free can be used to transform our experience of anxiety. I call these resources. Often it’s a good idea to have a combination of resources to offset the effects of anxiety. Resources can be positive affirmations, soothing people, exercise, creative practice, spiritual practice, community, as well as a whole host of other things. In my work with people we often identify the specific resources that people are using already and which ones are most effective for them. We may also identify new ones that perhaps have been overlooked.

4. Add a Dab of what Frightens

You may be surprised to discover that things that frighten you and normally cause anxiety can actually strengthen you if used in the right way. Familiar anxiety “triggers” can be transformed into helpful reminders to change course. We can learn to choose a different path than the one our anxiety tends to follow. A racing heart can be transformed into a reassuring beat. A tightened jaw can soften and open.

Do you have anxiety?

Ready to dance with it instead of let it run you?

Contact our office to make an appointment:

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at danielle@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri

Finding an Anchor in the Midst Fear and Uncertainty

May 12, 2020Counseling for AnxietyAnxiety, Covid-19, Crisis, fearDanielle Kiesler

Finding an Anchor in the Midst Fear and Uncertainty

(7 Tips for Resilience during Times of Crisis)

Finding an Anchor in the Midst of Fear and Anxiety

In these challenging times of Covid-19, I wanted to reach out and offer some tips that I hope may be helpful for our nervous system settling and regulation.

1. Allow for intense and fluctuating emotions.

These are normal in response to a real danger that’s invisible and largely unknown. Whether it’s untethered fear that jumps around like a wiry nerve, bouts of intense angst or the tired beast of despair, we are all suffering right now. Forgive yourself and others for their behavior under stress. It is so human. And the more you can allow for it, the quicker it will settle and pass.

2. Join the herd.

Under threat animals instinctively know that there is safety in numbers and will stick with the pack for protection. You can use this instinct and still practice social distancing. Get outside and walk or run with others and keep the recommended six feet distance. Know that a healthy nervous system can have a positive impact on others from as far as 30 feet away.

3. Connect with others.

Hunker down with a pet, friend or family member. Who are the people or animals that have a calming or soothing effect on you? Reach out to them in as many creative ways as possible virtually or over the phone. Call an old friend. Start a virtual singing group. Know that you are not alone. We are all in this together. Even in social isolation we are together in our separateness.

4. Rectify a Routine.

Likely, your life as you know it has been completely disrupted, along with your schedule. Try to rectify some semblance of a routine and then stick to it as best you can daily. This will help ground you. Basic routines tend to divide the day into at least three parts: morning, afternoon and evening and then establish activities for each (breakfast, walking, checking emails.) Now, can also be a good time to Dive into a project and this could be a part of your routine too that can help ground you. If you have a home or creative project that you have been meaning to do, now is that time. Organize the closet. Tackle the drawer of old photos. Fix the broken fence. Mend the socks you wore through this winter. Likely, there is some part of your life that has been waiting for a moment like this one.

5. Feel your bones often and throughout the day.

Sometimes the best way to face an invisible threat and the corresponding fear of the unknown, is to touch what is known and has weight in your own life. If you are sitting, find your sitz bones now. Takes some time to feel their weight and allow your breath to settle. If your arms or legs are crossed take some time to notice the points of contact. Let yourself settle into those points a little. You might continue this practice by pushing a little into your hands and feet and also feeling your muscles. (If you practice yoga think: plank pose, down-ward dog, goddess pose, warriors I, II and II)

6. Protect your mind and attention.

Limit the amount of time you consume media, especially at night or when you first wake up. Set aside a specific time or times during the day for media consumption and then track your internal state immediately afterwards. Are you inspired to action? Angry and outraged? Spacey and numb? Try to gently move this energy in creative ways and connect with others. If you noticed yourself getting over-whelmed by media, either really anxious, angry up or feeling stymied and depressed, put limits on your device so that you can only access media during certain times of the day.

7. Remember your ancestors.

Likely you have or had a grandparent or great-grandparent that survived the Spanish Flu. Take some time to feel their resilience. Imagine what it was like for them the day they got the news that the flu was finally over. Just like them, you will get through this too.