Couples often come to counseling seeking better communication, yet many already understand its basics intellectually. However, two key challenges arise:
- Intellectual knowledge hasn’t translated into lived experience
- Even if they have been able to communicate well at times, they struggle to do so under stress. This is a much more challenging task.
Let’s look at both of these situations, starting with the second. Then let’s explore the 5 keys to improve your couples communication style.
The Foundation of Good Communication
The truth is, we can’t separate communication from the background noise that is in a couples life. There are factors in a couple’s life that tend to set a strong foundation for good communication. You can think of them as background noise, or the lack thereof. When a couple is feeling calm, when there are mutual feelings of love flowing in both directions then communication is easy. Let’s also add to this list a few other factors that tend to decrease stress in relationships and therefore lead to better communication: the feeling that there is enough time, money, energy and attention to go around. Yet, for many couples that I know, particularly couples in distress, at least a few of these factors are chronically missing. That means, they are trying to communicate from an already weak foundation.
Communicating Under stress: Why It’s So Hard
What I find is that when they are under stress all that knowledge and good communication goes out the window. And so what they are really asking is either: how do I communicate with my partner when we are both under stress and/or how do I not let stress derail my marriage and erode things like trust, connection in the first place. Communication lies at the surface of all that. Communication lies on the surface of this more deeper question. Many self-help books have been published about how to communicate under stress. Unfortunately, many are predicated on a false assumption: if we just get into the right mindset, and choose the right words our relationships will fall into place. But as so many of us find out, it’s not that simple.
The Dance of Fire: The Patterns Between Us
So, how do you communicate when both you and your partner are under stress? That depends on three factors:
- How well you know your partner under stress
- How well you know yourself under stress
- Whether or not you’ve current couple’s dance ( pattern of interactions between you) can accommodate both.
The truth is that probably you and your partner process stress differently. That makes sense because you are different people. You have different relationship histories and different brains and nervous systems that process that history in unique ways. When under stress often our brains instinctively draw from the memory banks of our past in order to determine how much of a threat our present experience with our partner is, and how to act. In other words, when there is an argument do we fight, try to get away, check-out, or apologize?
The Missing Key: Your Body
Unfortunately, most couples (and also most couples therapists!) think of communication as mostly words. Despite the research stating the fact that something like 80% of communication is actually non-verbal of communication. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk underscored the importance of the body in his seminal book on trauma . You can also watch him discuss his ideas in this video. The recent explosion of neuroscience has supported the importance of the body in healing across many fields. Whether your goal is exceptional job performance, becoming a better parent, or creating a solid marriage. There are at least five most important aspects of communication, let’s look at them.
Five Non-Verbal Aspects of Communication
Not surprisingly, it’s not what we say that matters most, it’s how we say it. Let’s consider:
- Body posture & positioning
- Eye contact (or lack of it)
- Facial Expression
- Vocal Tone, pitch and rhythmicity
- Emphasis or intensity of physical gestures and/or Vocal Tone
One of the most interesting recent research findings on the vocal tone quality, also known as prosody, is how important it is for creating bonding and a sense of safety. This has been established and observed in mother infant studies, but also applies to couples. The research suggested that the more modulation or sing-songy quality a woman has in her voice, also known as Motherese , the more positively associated that attachment bond is between mother and infant. Interestingly, this holds true even for adults in relationship with other adults. It seems we have a preference for certain voice characteristics throughout our entire lives. Another interesting study with men, actually shows that masculine voices can predict attachment style.
What This Means for You and Your Partner
It’s not what you say that’s important so much as how you say it. This is just as true in the living room as it is in the office. A lot of self-help books and communication classes are predicated on a false assumption: that if we just get into the right mindset, and choose the right words our communication problems will be solved. But this is often not the case. Partners are constantly scanning each other for what’s not being said and also checking to see if words are congruent with behavior. We need to get good at recognizing both our own non-verbal signals as well as our partners.
When Silence is Golden.
By now you know that communication is not just about using the right words. But what about silence? In my office there are times when the silence between two people is so thick and heavy you can cut it with a knife. In these instances, couples often have a lot to say to each other but there is so much resentment built up they may not know where to begin. Perhaps, there are certain subjects that when talked about seem to automatically result in a fight. On the other hand, there are times when the best communication is no communication at all. There are times when a look or a touch is all that’s needed to communicate something of importance. These are times when silence is golden.
Communicating in the Middle: Neither Suppression Nor Ruthless Self-Expression
Twenty years ago, I taught classes in anger management and mind body medicine in a wellness clinic that was part of a busy medical center. One of the ideas that ran through all the classes was this concept of the middle path. It’s a concept that is pretty familiar in ancient wisdom traditions such as Taoism, Yoga, and many others. Yet it’s a concept that’s so counter intuitive to our Western way of being, the very idea of it can be disconcerting.
The middle path is the road to moderation. It applies to all areas of life: communication, drinking, eating, working. The middle path will keep you out of trouble and heading in the right direction in most areas of your life. Yet, because many of us in Western culture are accustomed to living on the edge of extremes, it can feel out of reach. I remember the students in my class staring at me with blank expressions, and at times out right irritation when I talked about the middle path. Many of them were men and women who were referred to my classes by doctors, psychologists and social workers. Some of them had dangerous heart conditions and a tendency for road rage. Others appeared mild mannered and calm, yet were dealing with a host of somatic symptoms that doctors could not figure out.
What This Has to Do with Couples Communication
At its heart the middle path is about balance. How we live our lives also carries over to our close relationships. The two are interrelated. If you are in sync and balance with your own body, mental and emotional needs then it is easier to sync up with your partner’s. Yet, many of us live our lives out of touch and out of balance. This shows up in our relationships. For many folks, it’s easy to live on the edge of extremes: either complete denial or suppression of their needs or ruthless and unchecked self expression. In my work with couples it’s not unusual to find one partner who lives on the suppression side of things, while the other counter balances them by being overly expressive. This is what renowned couples researcher John Gottman called a classic distancer-pursuer dynamic.
Questions to Explore Further Together
Do you tend toward either of the extremes of emotional suppression or over expression when it comes to communication? Or do you start off in one of these two places and end up in the other? Does your partner lean toward one of these extremes? Do you find that you expend a lot of time and energy either attempting to manage their behavior or your own behavior in an attempt to find balance? Are there certain subjects that are off limits or result in an instantaneous fight? If you answered yes to either of these questions you and your partner are in need of some real time coaching on how to better communicate. It’s never a sign of weakness to ask for help and can only create greater strength in your relationship together.
Need Help Communicating?
Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who can help coach you and your partner toward a better relationship.
We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the following communities: Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.
Give us a call at (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com with any questions or request an appointment on our booking page.
We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri.