When couples come to see me, they are often at a crossroads. They are both unsatisfied on some level with the current state of their relationship, even if they can’t agree on how or why it got this bad. Often, they know they can’t go on this way, but the path forward is rarely clear. Big questions like whether or not to stay in the marriage can loom large in the background. Or it can be the main focus as it was the case with Jasper and Ruby*. Either way, the feelings around these questions can feel enormous. Feelings of anxiety and overwhelm are the norm for many couples, as was the case with them.
Jasper and Ruby came to me in a state of uncertainty. Though they had been together 16years, had two sons, and two successful careers, none of that mattered at the moment. They were both consumed by the uncertainty of their marriage. They had seen another couple’s counselor prior to coming to see me, and it had not gone well. I could see the exhaustion and struggle written across both their faces. This was their last chance.
The Marriage Struggle
They had been struggling for years. But things went from bad to worse with Ruby’s recent autoimmune disease diagnosis. Like many autoimmune disease survivors, her life had been turned upside down since receiving the diagnosis. It cast everything in a new light, especially their marriage. In her time of great need, she felt Jasper fell far short of truly being able to understand and support her.
“We’re here to figure this out… I’m not just giving up.” She spoke, looking down at her lap. “I’m not just throwing our family away, but I am frustrated. There’s a heck of a lot that needs to change. I imagine you feel the same. But are you willing to actually appreciate what I’m going through?”
The question hung in the air for a moment. Neither of them moved.
Jasper explained that he thought he was being supportive, but his efforts often went unrecognized or unnoticed by Ruby. Plus, he had questions of his own.
“I want to support you, but how can I when you keep mentioning divorce or separation?” His voice was heavy and halting as he continued.
“I’m feeling out of sorts, surrounding our relationship. I recognize that this is not good or healthy. I’m just in a pretty miserable state, to be honest.”
Related Article: https://danceofchange.com/9-warning-signs-that-your-couple-bubble-is-in-trouble/
The Big Marriage Decision
Ruby and Jasper were at a classic impasse. Both say that they want to move forward, but sending signals that imply the opposite. Sometimes these signals are obvious with couples, such as threatening to end the relationship. But often there are just as many insidious, non-verbal signals that set off alarm bells. For Jasper and Ruby, the damage is clear.
Neither know for certain if they can trust the other, and trust is often necessary to imagine a future together. Without it, couples get stuck in limbo. If this goes on for too long, it creates irreparable damage. The good news is there are always options, even with the most difficult impasses. I lean in towards them to speak,
“I just want to let you know we’re not going to be doing this for months and months on end without without a resolution… you’ve done that already. Let’s have something to aim for that guarantees this is will be different. Let’s agree on a timeline together.” They both nod in unison. After going over a timeline and the structure and process of our work together, the path forward becomes a little more clear.
The difficult truth is that two people can spend years in therapy just spinning their wheels and get no where. Couples deserve more than that.
The Multilayered Couples Impasse
Underneath the impasse lay other problems too. With all couples, there is the dance between them, an attachment pattern that dates all the way back to childhood. That pattern is still impacting Ruby and Jasper today. There were years of misunderstandings and heart ache. But there was also something else. The conversation turned to the crux of their struggle: unfair power dynamics
Unfair Power Dynamics
In a previous session, Ruby had often felt she had to too much power and responsibility in their marriage. “I often feel like his parent.” she said. “And if I’m honest, I’m beyond resentful.”
Jasper became defensive. “It goes both ways. She often talks down to me like I’m her child. I try to keep up with her high standards for cleanliness, but it’s next to impossible. I’m not even sure it’s healthy. Plus, I’m the main one keeping us afloat financially. It’s an incredible burden that I don’t think she realizes.”
A Marriage by Design Rather than Defense
It was clear that neither of them had communicated about the structure of the relationship they wanted before they got married. Division of labor was never part of their pre-marital plan. Unfortunately, this is true for so many couples that enter my office. And in that case, we sit down together and carve out what I call their Marriage by Design. The design is unique to each couple, but should include things like division of labor, power, and responsibility. These are the unsexy, but necessary parts of relationship that are necessary but often ignored when two people are in the throws of love. Some couples adopt a more traditional design where division of labor and power are defined and divided by traditional gender roles. Others want a marriage that’s equal on all accounts in all areas. For other couples, it will be a mix.
Equal Power, Equal Responsibility
For the first time in my office, Jasper and Ruby discussed this issue together, but with more calm and regulation than usual. Gone were the threats, the usual jabs, or storming out of the room. And to both of their surprise, they were in agreement: they both wanted a marriage based in equality. While it took a while to figure out what that meant, and they were still not in agreement on the details, they did eventually land on one. To them, it was the most important to communicate as equals.
I reminded them:
“If you were to stay married, and you both agreed that this has to be a marriage of equals, then power and responsibility has to be shared. And so far, what you’ve told me that means is majorly changing how you communicate together. Specifically, it means you both have to get good at what you both told me you’re bad at: Listening to each other.”
Ruby and Jasper glanced at each other, looked away, and then caught each other’s gaze again. They seemed to be regarding the other as though for the first time. Their bodies calm, and relaxed now, appeared usually receptive. And in the pregnant silence between them a new question began to emerge.
“Are you in on this with me?” They both seemed to be asking.
Stay Tuned for Part 2!
* Names changed for confidentiality.
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