What to Expect in Premarital Counseling:

Counseling for Couples, , ,

Premarital CounselingCongratulations! You have decided to invest in one of the most important aspects of your life: your relationship. According to a longitudinal Harvard study on aging the single most important factor to long-term health and happiness is not good genes, IQ, money, social status, career success, health, or number of relationships, but rather, the quality of our most intimate relationships.

By investing in your marriage now, and throughout your lives together you will be protecting yourself and your partner from life’s discontents, boosting each other’s mental as well as physical health and insuring long term happiness and satisfaction in life.

If this sounds like a tall order, it is. Many people are aware of the high divorce rate in the U.S., which is currently around 50%. Often, role models for a strong and healthy marriage are few and far between. The good news is that even if you or your partner had less than stellar examples of marriage growing up or in your friends circle, many of the skills and elements of a healthy marriage can be taught and learned at any point. The sooner the better!

How  Premarital Counseling can help you build a better marriage.

There are five steps to building a healthy marriage.

Let’s look at each one and what premarital counseling can do for your future together.

  1. Create a Vision Together in Premarital Counseling

One of the key tasks of premarital counseling is to increasing your clarity about the kind of life you want to build together. Many couples have not seriously considered this beyond the basics (Where to live, jobs, # of kids, etc.) and then end up with uncomfortable surprises later on down the road. But this will not be you! That is because many of these surprises can be avoided with a clear, and honest vision.

We will also look at the latest research findings, behaviors and practices that lead to a healthy marriage  vs. those that end in divorce or discontent ( yes, this has been researched) and what that means for your lives together.

  1. Identify Your Path (s)

In order to support this vision you will both get clear on the kind of partner you aspire to be in order to build the kind of life and relationship you want to create.

This involves looking at the relationship as a whole but also the individual strengths and contributions of each person.

We will also look at the long term trajectory of your relationship, the stages of a marriage and the tasks and goals of each stage. You will identify where you and your partner currently stand on your path as couple and what the tasks are of your current life stage. We will also identify the stage you will be heading towards next and what’s needed for success.

  1. Strengthening the Foundation: Communication and Resources

Next we will look at how you and your partner prefer to be loved. This includes love languages but also the “magic ratio” that your marriage needs to stay healthy on a daily basis. Naming your values, attitude and skills is also key. We will look at and practice the essential communication skills that all couples need to feel loved and appreciated. I will actively coach you and give you feedback so you know when you are on the right track. Good communication is much more difficult than most people think. Effective negotiation is even harder. The three most important qualities for effective communication are respect, openness and persistence. We will practice these together and also identify supports and strengths in your relationship (both internal and external). We’ll also look at potential barriers to good communication in your marriage and address them before they become a real problem.

Premarital Counseling

  1. The Zen of Relationships: Dealing with Conflict and Stress

Since stress is an inevitable part of both life and marriage, it’s important to look at how you and your partner’s unique stress physiology play out under stress. This is an element that most traditional couples therapist leave out, yet it is so important! We will look at how to tell when you and your partner are “going over threshold” and what they need from you in those moments. You will also get to know your own “threshold” and “window of tolerance” for handling stress and how to communicate with your partner at these critical times. This is important not only for trauma healing but also trauma prevention as a couple.

Marriage also comes with some built in contradictions (for example: speak up or keep the peace. And also, solutions, no matter how perfect often set the stage for new problems. Knowing this, we will look at how to embrace the paradox and also avoid the usual marriage traps (there are four of them). We look at how to use conflict to actually strengthen a relationship and the steps needed to make a good repair. Finally, we will practice the art of repair together.  This skill is so essential that it can actually save a marriage!

  1. Premarital Counseling helps you create a Resilient Marriage now and  in the  Future

A healthy marriage is like a healthy ecosystem. With the right combination of care and attention it becomes a life-giving place you can live and depend on for sustenance on a regular basis. In this last step we will review all the elements of healthy marriage, the skills you learned, and your commitments to yourself and each other.  We’ll address what it takes to keep your marital “ecosystem” healthy and sustain growth in the long run. Here is what you will need:

  • A vision of the life you want to build together and individually
  • The appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team along this path
  • The motivation and ability to put the “magic ratio” into practice on a daily basis
  • The skills and motivation to persist and grow even in times of stress
  • Time to review progress, recharge and celebrate your lives together.
How to get the most out of Premarital Counseling:

The major aim of counseling is to increase your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the

patterns of interaction between you in order to create a strong foundation for your lives together. This requires some courage and emotional risk taking on both of your parts.  Counseling works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your partner or the relationship itself.

Unlike regular couples therapy where the focus is on fixing difficult problems, in premarital counseling the focus is on growth and prevention. We won’t be dredging up issues from your past and analyzing them. Rather, I work best when I help you reach objectives you set for yourself in the context of your relationship. A powerful approach to our time together is for each person to do the following before each session:

  1. Reflect on your objectives for marriage
  2. Think about your next step that supports or relates to your larger objectives for the kind of Marriage you wish to co-create, or the partner you aspire to become. Then, please share this with your partner at the beginning of our next session.
About to get Married? Need a Premarital counselor or Marriage and Family Therapist in Missouri?

Are you interested in starting marriage boot camp in order to lay the best foundation for your marriage?

Give us a call at : (314) 827-5448 or email us at Danielle@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri

Book Recommendations on Healing Trauma

For Therapists, Trauma Therapy, , ,

People often ask me for book recommendations on trauma. There are SO many great books out there on healing trauma right now.  So I’ve tried to narrow it down a bit  and divided them by category.

For those Just starting Somatic Therapy:

Why you can’t think your way out of Trauma. This article is a quick read and lays the case for the importance of using the body’s wisdom to heal trauma.

A great starter book and even comes with a CD of basic exercises that can be a nice compliment to therapy.

A classic and also a good starter book for understanding trauma and its impact on the nervous system.

For Parents & Kids:

I really like this simple and straight forward video for elementary school aged children by Gina Ross. It’s especially helpful in the aftermath of war violence or natural disaster .  Just scroll down to the bottom for the two videos. The original was made in Hebrew and the English version is dubbed but still quite helpful. My kid loves it and often quotes from it 🙂

For Therapists:

A great companion book for therapists and students going through the first year of the Somatic Experiencing Training Program.

A helpful look at how to heal developmental (early childhood) trauma from a somatic therapy perspective. Written by two senior therapists in the field of Somatic Psychology.

Many therapists love this primer on Steven Porge’s Polyvagal theory.  It lays the theoretical foundation for the Somatic Experiencing approach and many other therapies and somatic models today.

Yoga for the Eyes: 4 simple exercises to prevent pain and strain

Body-Mind Medicine, , , ,
Yoga for the Eyes
Yoga for the Eyes: moving the eyes in all six directions

As I’ve conducted more and therapy sessions online I’ve noticed increased somatic symptoms both in myself and others. Staring at a screen for long periods in not a natural behavior and puts an incredible amount of strain on your body, your brain. Over time it can  create screen fatigue in your entire system,  especially your eyes.

Eyes train can lead to migraines and a whole host of other problems. In addition to following best practices during screen time use, these four exercises from the yoga tradition can be helpful. I’ve put together some of these exercises in a picture format so you can just print out the picture and hang it near your computer. Again, the less screen time the better, and chances are you are reading this on screen right now. J I’ve also kept the exercise descriptions as short as possible. These can be done in any order, but if you are experiencing eye fatigue currently, it’s probably best to start with Palming.

  1. Palming

This is savasana for the eyes. To rest sore eyes immediately after a screen time binge, start by finding a comfortable positon either sitting or lying down and allow the eyes to close. Place your hands together in prayer position and rub them together vigorously to generate heat. Now cup your hands over your eyes and allow the heat and darkness to sooth a relax them.

Variation: If you tend to run hot and/or dry and heat is aggravating to you, place a cool, wet washcloth over your eyes and allow the coolness, darkness and moisture to do its work.

  1. Explore the Six Directions

If you’ve had a lot of screen time already, feel free to print this image and hang on your wall by your computer for a quick visual reminder.  If the eyes are already aggravated, you can do palming in between each direction to allow for both rest and integration.

  1. Look up for a few breaths, then down ( repeat 5x)
  2. Look to the far upper right hand corner; moving the eyes on a diagonal line look down to the lower left. Hold for a few breaths each ( repeat 5x)
  3. Look to the far upper left hand corner; moving the eyes on a diagonal look down to the lower right. Hold for a few breaths each ( repeat 5x)

 

  1. Eye Circles

Now we will put all six directions together. Start by looking up. Circle the eyes slowly by touching all six directions in one smooth connected circle. Switch directions and go counter clock-wise.

 

  1. Near and Far

Hold your thumb close to your face. Let your eyes focus on your thumb for a few seconds then find a point far away to focus. A window with a bit of a view is great for this exercise. Look as far away as you can for a few breaths. (Repeat 5x)

Further exploration on yoga for the eyes:  want more ? Check out these articles here, here and here.

Looking for a somatic therapist and yoga instructor who works online and can help with your particular situation? Check out our schedule for availability.

Finding an Anchor in the Midst Fear and Uncertainty

Counseling for Anxiety, , ,

Finding an Anchor in the Midst Fear and Uncertainty

(7 Tips for Resilience during Times of Crisis)

Finding an Anchor in the Midst of Fear and Anxiety
Finding an Anchor in the Midst of Fear and Anxiety

In these challenging times of Covid-19, I wanted to reach out and offer some tips that I hope may be helpful for our nervous system settling and regulation.

1. Allow for intense and fluctuating emotions.

These are normal in response to a real danger that’s invisible and largely unknown. Whether it’s untethered fear that jumps around like a wiry nerve, bouts of intense angst or the tired beast of despair, we are all suffering right now. Forgive yourself and others for their behavior under stress. It is so human. And the more you can allow for it, the quicker it will settle and pass.

2. Join the herd.

Under threat animals instinctively know that there is safety in numbers and will stick with the pack for protection. You can use this instinct and still practice social distancing. Get outside and walk or run with others and keep the recommended six feet distance. Know that a healthy nervous system can have a positive impact on others from as far as 30 feet away.

3. Connect with others.

Hunker down with a pet, friend or family member. Who are the people or animals that have a calming or soothing effect on you? Reach out to them in as many creative ways as possible virtually or over the phone. Call an old friend. Start a virtual singing group. Know that you are not alone. We are all in this together. Even in social isolation we are together in our separateness.

4. Rectify a Routine.

Likely, your life as you know it has been completely disrupted, along with your schedule. Try to rectify some semblance of a routine and then stick to it as best you can daily. This will help ground you. Basic routines tend to divide the day into at least three parts: morning, afternoon and evening and then establish activities for each (breakfast, walking, checking emails.) Now, can also be a good time to Dive into a project and this could be a part of your routine too that can help ground you. If you have a home or creative project that you have been meaning to do, now is that time. Organize the closet. Tackle the drawer of old photos. Fix the broken fence. Mend the socks you wore through this winter. Likely, there is some part of your life that has been waiting for a moment like this one.

5. Feel your bones often and throughout the day.

Sometimes the best way to face an invisible threat and the corresponding fear of the unknown, is to touch what is known and has weight in your own life. If you are sitting, find your sitz bones now. Takes some time to feel their weight and allow your breath to settle. If your arms or legs are crossed take some time to notice the points of contact. Let yourself settle into those points a little. You might continue this practice by pushing a little into your hands and feet and also feeling your muscles. (If you practice yoga think: plank pose, down-ward dog, goddess pose, warriors I, II and II)

6. Protect your mind and attention.

Limit the amount of time you consume media, especially at night or when you first wake up. Set aside a specific time or times during the day for media consumption and then track your internal state immediately afterwards. Are you inspired to action? Angry and outraged? Spacey and numb?  Try to gently move this energy in creative ways and connect with others.  If you noticed yourself getting over-whelmed by media, either really anxious, angry up or feeling stymied and depressed, put limits on your device so that you can only access media during certain times of the day.

7. Remember your ancestors.

Likely you have or had a grandparent or great-grandparent that survived the Spanish Flu. Take some time to feel their resilience. Imagine what it was like for them the day they got the news that the flu was finally over. Just like them, you will get through this too.