Many couples enter marriage therapy after the marriage has soured. Often, they face any number of issues, from communication to arguments about money, sex or parenting. It can feel hopeless and overwhelming. But the sad truth is a lot of these experiences could have been prevented. Or at least they could have been minimized. If only couples knew how to maintain and care for their couple bubble.

What is a couple bubble?

A “couple bubble” is a concept in relationship psychology that refers to the creation of a safe and secure environment between partners. In this environment, both individuals prioritize each other’s well-being, safety, and emotional security above all else. This involves mutual support, trust, and a commitment to protecting the relationship from external stressors and conflicts.

The term “couple bubble” was coined by Dr. Stan Tatkin, a psychotherapist and author who specializes in attachment theory and its application to adult relationships. He introduced the concept in his book “Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship.”

Why a couple bubble is important

Dr. Tatkin emphasizes that the couple bubble is essential for creating a secure and resilient partnership. Without that level of protection an relationship may not last. Marriages can become vulnerable to both internal and external stressors. I like to think of a couple’s bubble as a kind of shield that protects the couples from harm and danger. Yet, the shield can also become permeable when needed to let in support, resources and information from the outside. The combination of both strength and flexibility are important qualities in marriage.

When a couple bubble is ruptured or missing

Marriages that don’t have a protective couple bubble often suffer from chronic dissatisfaction. Emotional withdrawal, and a slow decline in mutual respect and affection becomes the norm. The relationship becomes vulnerable to external pressures and internal conflicts. Overtime, this ultimately lead to a breakdown in the marriage. At this stage, divorce or separation can easily appear to be the only viable option. As always, prevention is always the best medicine. So, let’s look at some of those warning signs together.

We’ll use two different fictional couples to demonstrate how this can play out. Alec and Gary are a same-sex couple that have been living together for ten years and married for eight. Felix and Nadine are a heterosexual couple who have been together for 15years, married for 14years and have two small kids. Let’s look at their different challenges through the lens of the couple bubble. These are challenges that many couples face before they enter marriage therapy or premarital counseling. 

related post: The Couple Bubble: A complete Guide.

1. Shaky communication has become the norm in your marriage.

In Alec and Gary’s marriage, Alec frequently assumes Gary knows when he’s upset about something at work. But Gary has no idea when Alec is stressed out. For one, Alec tends to have a still face, that hides emotions. Also, neither Gary nor Alec express their feelings verbally. So, often Gary misinterprets Alec’s silence as disinterest, leading to frustration and resentment on both sides.

Similarly, in Felix and Nadine’s marriage, Felix assumes Nadine knows when he’s upset about work. Nadine assumes Feli’x knows when she’s upset about the kid’s behavior and needs help. But both Nadine and Felix remains unaware of what the other is truly feeling. This is partly because neither is a good communicator. Nadine often misinterprets Felix’s withdrawn behavior as a disinterest in her and the kids. Felix’s assumes the Nadine has the kids handled, since she never expresses her feelings or asks for help. Misunderstandings and misinterpretations ensue. Over time, mounting and unresolved issues build to a crescendo, leaving resentment and emotional distance in their wake.

2. The marriage takes a backseat to everything else.

Felix consistently prioritizes his work as a sales manager over spending time with Nadine. Nadine, on the other hand, focuses on the kids’ school, extracurricular activities over time with Felix.  Over time, Nadine starts to feel resentful, and like a single parent. While Felix feels unimportant and undervalued. The increased stress and isolation causes them both to cope in the way they know how: by focusing outside the marriage. Felix works even later at work. Nadine complains to her girlfriends about her marriage.

Let’s look at our other couple Alec and Gary, who face similar problems. Alec consistently prioritizes his work as a graphic designer over spending time with Gary. While Gary often chooses to hang out with friends instead of planning time with Alec. Eventually, Alec feels unimportant and lonely. He accuses Gary of cheating on him with one of their friends. Gary feels indignant by the accusation. He feels undervalued and underappreciated. Overtime, he does start to develop feelings for someone else.

But by the time they enter marriage therapy, the damage has been done. It takes a lot of healing and hard conversations before they begin to put their marriage back on the front seat again.

3. Your marriage lacks boundaries.

Gary’s best friend frequently drops by unannounced and often stays for dinner without checking with Alec first. Neither Alec nor Gary sets boundaries to protect their relationship from these disruptions. This leads inevitably to conflicts and a sense that their relationship is not private or respected. Alec starts to feel jealous and angry that he is no longer the primary person in Gary’s life. Gary feels frustrated that Alec never says no to work demands. He feels vindicated in spending time with friends since Alec is always at work and often appears distracted when he’s at home.

As for Felix and Nadine, they are not any better when it comes to boundaries. Nadine’s parents frequently drop by unannounced, to help with the kids. Often they give Nadine advice about her troubled marriage. Nadine shares her marital issues openly with her parents without checking with Felix. Felix is often painted in a bad light. Meanwhile, Felix, feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. He looks for attention elsewhere. He works overtime to hit higher sales numbers. When an opportunity to travel for work comes up, he accepts it without checking with Nadine first. Also, he has begun flirting with a coworker, and travels with hers often, which enrages Nadine.

One of the goals of marriage therapy, is to help couples begin to build healthy boundaries. This is both an inside job and outside job. Meaning that you need boundaries for yourself, but your relationship also needs boundaries to protect it from the outside world.

4. Genuine appreciation is absent.

Often times couples enter marriage therapy feeling unappreciated. For examples, Alec rarely expresses gratitude for Gary’s efforts in keeping the house clean. Even though Gary is naturally a bit of a slob. His efforts to curb his own behavior for Alec’s sake, go unnoticed. Gary also doesn’t acknowledge Alec’s hard work in supporting them both financially. Neither  Over time, both Alec and Gary feel taken for granted and unappreciated. When couples withhold appreciation, often one or both people feel taken for granted. A lack of appreciation in one person often causes the other to follow suit. The couple then becomes gridlocked. Both are waiting for the other person to appreciate them, while withholding appreciation themselves. A couples therapist or marriage therapist can help change this dynamic.

5. Your marriage shows signs of both physical and emotional distance.

In Felix and Nadine’s marriage, physical affection has completely disappeared. They no longer cuddle on the couch or share spontaneous kisses. There are no hugs. Neither holds hands when they walk together. Touch is a powerful balm and healer. It helps cement and also depend connection. But when it’s low or absent the opposite is also true. Weak emotional and physical connections tend to go hand in hand. Untimely, this leads to both people feeling lonely even when together. That’s when a marriage therapist can help. Through the process marriage therapy. both people learn to repair the distance. They learn how to replace it with closeness over time. Both physical and emotional connection can be restored.

6. Support is low or completely missing.

When Alec is stressed about a tight deadline, Gary’s response is indifferent. He fails to recognize that Alec needs support, and so does not offer it. Similarly, when Gary feels overwhelmed by the care-taking of his aging parents, Alec dismisses his feelings and offers no help. This leads to feelings of abandonment and resentment, weakening the emotional bond.

Likewise, when Felix is stressed about a big sales pitch, Nadine becomes irritated. Rather than offering to help him practice or be a sounding board, she adds to the stress by getting angry. When Nadine talks about she feels overwhelmed by managing the kids’ schedules, Felix dismisses her feelings. Instead, he attempts to offer simple solutions to the problem that don’t involve him. He then goes back to work, leaving Nadine to feel abandoned and resentful. The cycle of low support, then  continues until they enter marriage therapy.

7. You don’t make quality time for your marriage.

Alec and Gary spend most of their free time on individual activities or with other people, rarely planning activities together. Alec immerses himself in video games, while Gary spends hours at the gym or with friends. This reduces opportunities for bonding and shared experiences, leading to emotional drifting apart. Similarly, Felix and Nadine spend most of their free time on individual activities or with the kids. Felix immerses himself in watching sports, while Nadine spends hours helping the kids with their homework and projects. This leads to similar emotional drifting apart. By starting marriage therapy, you begin to shift this aspect, simply by making time weekly to focus on your marriage.

8. Destructive fighting is the norm.

Before they entered marriage therapy, Alec and Gary’s arguments escalated quickly. Alec often used hurtful words and Gary blamed Alec for starting the problem in the first place. Conflicts remain unresolved, creating ongoing tension and bitterness.

Similarly, in Felix and Nadine’s relationship, arguments escalate quickly, with Felix using hurtful words and Nadine blaming Felix for their problems. Conflicts remain unresolved, creating similar ongoing tension and bitterness.

9. One or both partners hold grudges.

When a couple enters marriage therapy. it’s not unusual for there to be resentment. Resentment over time can turn into a grudge. For examples, Alec often brings up Gary’s past mistakes during arguments. He criticizes Gary for drinking to much and not picking up after himself. Gary refuses to forgive Alec for a previous nasty comments Alec made during  an argument.  The ongoing negativity fuels further grudges and prevents healing. Neither Alec nor Gary can move forward, at they are both maintain the stale mate.

Let’s look at Nadine and Felix’s marriage now. In order to move forward in their marriage. Felix would need to decide to stop criticizing Nadine’s parenting. He would need to stop bringing up her perceived flaws during arguments and in front of the kids. Although he has apologized, Nadine refuses to forgive Felix for his insensitivity. She holds her own judgements towards him. Both refuse to accept an apology from the other because they both feel  the other wronged them, and that they  alone are “in the right”.

Looking for a good couples therapist or marriage therapist?

Marriage therapy does not have to be painful. And you don’t have to wait until your couple bubble has burst to ask for help. Contact our office to get connected to an experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who can help turn your relationship around.

We are located in St Louis, Missouri and serve couples in the both Saint Louis City and Saint Louis County. This includes the following communities: Maplewood, Webster Groves, Kirkwood, Crestwood, Maplewood, Brentwood, Rockhill, Richmond Heights, Clayton, Shrewsbury, Lindenwood, Ladue, Central West End and the surrounding areas.

Give us a call at: (314) 827-5448 or email us at admin@danceofchange.com

We offer in person sessions in our office in Saint Louis, MO in Webster Groves as well as video (Telehealth) session for anyone located in the state of Missouri